end of the world

there is just one thing i want to do before the end of the world...move to another planet .

goblins

goblins do not exist...i know this because the trolls told me .

ant eaters

ant eaters have the best oral sex .

never compromise...

never compromise...unless there is something in it for you .

the human race...

the human race is the only know species in the universe that can stick its nose so far up in the air...that it ends up up their ass .

oral sex

oral sex is what healed our relationship...roughly translated...she couldn't talk with my dick in her mouth .

delusions

are you getting better and better every day ??? or just more detached from reality ???

in a recent study...

i  a recent study...people seem to enjoy sex more...if they have to lie to get it .

once upon a time...

once upon a time a man said to a crowd that people were basically violent...he was promptly murdered .

a rose...

a rose by any other name...can still eat you alive if it is from the planet...extromina 7-b...about 500 , 000 light years away .

a hero...

a hero is a coward...too stupid to escape .

cannibals

i wonder if cannibals prefer white or red wine with there human flesh .

tuna

i'm sure tuna would taste a lot better...if i could bite through the fucking can .

bin ladin

every christmas eve...i waited with a loaded rifle by the fire place...for bin ladin to come down my chimney so i could blow the shit out of him...and now...christmas will never be the same . 

girls

when you say you dated tonnes and tonnes of girls...you mean that one big fat one , right ???

pirates

i wonder if when pirates bury treasure...they are actually burying their hidden sexual neurosis .

pig fucker

it doesn't matter what you accomplish in life...once you fuck a pig...you are...in the eyes of just about all...a pig fucker and nothing else .

lying...

there is no good reason to lie...besides you don't want someone to know the truth .

maca is a plant found in peru...it contains sexual propertires...

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santa's elves

there is a time of life when you believe in santa's elves...there is a time in life when you do not believe in santa's elves...then there is that one overlap year...when you think they are watching you masturbate .

roosters...

roosters should never say..."cock-a-doodle-do"...penis a-doodle-do...is much more polite .

if...

if jesus worked for a church...he would be fired .

the path of enlightenment

the path of enlightenment needs...more horny women .

national geographic

i watched this national geographic special concerning mating rituals...then i glued feathers all over my body and ran around my girlfriend squawking as laud as i could...it had limited success .

mrs. jones

mrs. jones preached a wonderful sermon about the unconditional love of a cat...but she probably should not have entitled it..."me and my pussy" in the church bulletin .

if i were a frog...

if i were a frog...i would eat black flies instead of bugs...and i would have all the other frogs who did not...put to death .

when i lived in switzerland...

when i lived in switzerland...i ate horse...until the cows came home .

my favorite magic trick...

my favorite magic trick is to turn piss into water as someone is drinking it...it never works out but it sure is good for a laugh .

a little boy...

a little boy asked me if his dog  was going to be in heaven...i replied..."yes , billy...but you are going to fucking burn in hell" .

some anteaters...

some anteaters prefer beetles to ants...they are shunned and despised by the others .

the walrus

the walrus is the only mammal in the world that has a bone for a penis...and it makes a great stirring stick .

your wife's ass

if nothing else...your wife's ass is great for making fur coats .

the best thing

the best thing about getting old...is watching people die.

never harm an animal

never harm an animal...unless you are quite sure that it can't harm you back .

bill's cafe

...our food tastes better when it comes out of you...than most food does coming in .

resistance

resistance to life is a pie...with no pie.

when a woman is giving birth...the one thing she does not want to hear the dr. say is..."it's a troll".

manhood

never challenge someones manhood...when you knock on the door...you will probably find that the "manhood" has pissed off...however , violence has arrived to take its ugly place .

whos fault???

some people blame all this shit we are in on god...but all we know for sure is...it ain't our fault .

the quest for happiness...can be a very bitter and disturbing thing .

ear wigs

the best way to get rid of ear wigs...is to tell people eating them makes them horny .

day of the night

it was the day of the night of the dawn of the vampires...in the middle of the afternoon .

sex partners

the beautiful thing about only having one sex partner...is that you never have to discover how bad they are at it .

sports in hell

when people play sports in hell...i wonder if they are allowed to cheat ???

chicken and shit

they should have told me no to baste the chicken in shit .

only in america

only in america...would you sell someone bullets to shot at you .

...smaller the dick

the greater the need to take over the world...the smaller the dick .

self esteem

any time my self esteem is low...i punch myself in the face .

born again christians

born again christians love to witness...one of the things they witness...is me...running in the opposite direction .

the best way to

the best way to demonstrate your masculinity is to take a girl bowling...and laugh at her when she rolls the ball into the gutter .

moses

when moses parted the red sea...he misses out on a great opportunity to be the first person to fish sideways .

selling records

selling a million records will make you famous...so will cannibalism .

tobacco companies

in america...people sue tobacco companies and get billions of dollars...in canada...they get a free pack of smokes .

perfect love

if you want to love someone perfectly...change the definition of the word .

be who you are

be who you are...just make sure nobody is around .

stupid people

all the stupid people i know have one thing in common...they think they are smart .

insight

if you can have insight into only one thing...make sure it is not up your ass .

be yourself

it is a wonderful thing for people to be themselves...just not around me .

the neighbor

i am so glad that the neighbors finally put a flood light in their driveway...that way i can see where i am pissing .

the coincidence

so you donate your kidney to this fellow to save his life...and three months later and 2000 miles a way...he accidentally runs you over .

what would jesus do???

every time i hit someone with my car on purpose...i think to myself...would jesus do this??? then i think...i wonder what is on t.v???

balls

god gave guys balls...so girls could play pool with them .

evil spirit

i knew this guy who had a dog named spirit...when he was bad...he would say..."evil spirit"...then cast him out .

anteaters

anteaters actually don't eat ants...they just say they do so people wont get curious about what they really do with their long sexy snouts .

god

some people see god as an angry god...but they will know he is a god of love and compassion...right after he melts their brains .

end of the world

there is just one thing i want to do before the end of the world...move to another planet .

goblins

i know that goblins don't exist...because the trolls murdered them all .

my unique friend part 5

so i get my unique friend a job at a cookie store...the lady who owned it...never talked to me again .

my unique friend part 4

he turns off his answering machine...then bitches at me for not leaving any message .

cooking

cooking can bring so much joy...especially if you are cooking someone you despise .

bullet

i once saved a friends life by taking a bullet for them in their living room...in turn...they made me pay to remove the blood stain from their carpet .

a mean word

a mean word can hurt someone...especially if you write it on a bullet .

bowling

i learned the hard way...never mistake bowling for sex .

the funeral

it was a sad funeral...and when the clown threw up all over the corps...that only made it worse .

sex books

sex books should come with a warning not to have sex with them .

ace in the hole

card players like to have an ace in the hole...what do you want up your hole ???

porno

some people like porn because of lustful desires...others...because the pictures don't argue with them .

drink away

some people will call you a useless , no-good drunk...but they are just jealous .

tennis match

the best way to win a tennis match...is to play against a can of tuna .

lady ga ga

i really don't get this lady ga ga thing...are we supposed to have dreams of waking up with her in bed...or nightmares???

the interview

the best way to get a job...is to tell the fellow interviewing you...that you feel your weakness is...an unquenchable desire to be abused by your employer .

baby names

a friend of mine bought a book of baby names...eventually she decided to name her baby...copyright 1972 .

pirates

not all pirates are in love with the sea...some would rather screw people instead .

going to church

going to church is like watching a porno movie...but with the word "don't" in front of it .

my unique friend part 3

i get him this job as a security guard in a liquor store...he shows up drunk...and staggers to his post...this lady was soon to approach him to ask a question regarding one brand of wine or another...he starts to laugh his ass off...then he simply walks away .

bin ladin

what did bin ladin say when the navy seals broke into his room??? "guess i won't be getting any head tonight". 

my unique friend part 2

my unique friend walks up to his boss...opens a bottle of coke...and proceeds to pour it own his own head while laughing like a hyena...proving that things do not always go better with coke...as he was promptly fired .

the beauty of forgiveness

 

i have this idea for a movie...it is about this man who rapes this woman...and through a variety of circumstances...comes to the place where he asks for and receives her forgiveness...from this point...he demands to be her best friend...she respectfully declines...which sets him off in a tirade of psychotic episodes...killing her prize winning poodles...as well as her best friend...eventually...he gets caught by the police...and locked up in prison...his only phone call...the lady he raped...to ask for her forgiveness .

my unique friend part 1

...so he calls me on the phone...apologizes for waking me up...then asks me why i am not at the gym...thing is...it cannot be both...if i am still supposed to be in bed...then i am not supposed to be at the gym...that is just the way this universe works...if i am missing something...leave a comment...otherwise...enjoy your day...luv stu

the pope

it was wonderful watching the pope drive by and wave at all the people...i just did not understand the point of him throwing cats at the crowd was .

top 10 rules for finding a date

1-make sure she does not have a penis...(unless that is your thing)...2-date her in the daytime at least once...just in case she is a vampire...3-ask her if she thought that hitler was a reasonable human being...(he was not)...4-ask her if she thinks george bush is an intelligent man...(you would be surprised)...5-does she suffer from lock jaw...(for obvious reasons)...6-do lazy ignorant slobs turn her on...(she will figure out that you are lazy and ignorant...by the way you are always acting...you know...lazy and ignorant)...7-does she have an uncontrollably urge to piss in her boyfriends mothers wine during christmas dinner...(seems like a good idea...but the execution does not go over nearly as well as you would expect)...8-will she lie to all of your friends about the size of your penis...9-when you inform her that elvis's ghost is your secret best friend...will she tell you how big and strong you are then proceed to go down your pants...and , finally...10-will she have your grandpa over for supper...even though he has been dead for eight years.                                         

trolls

maybe trolls do live under bridges...but people live under the bridges of fear and insecurity...and they do not come with free rent .

in retrospect

in retrospect...mr. sucker and his wife...should not have named their child...dick .

what did the following people invent???

1-tony adultry
2-billy ping pong
3-susan baseball
4-jimmy fishing rod
5-randy beastiality
6-heather atomic energy

dildo

contrary to popular belief...a dildo is not a prehistoric bird .

integrity

the best way to keep your integrity...is to change the definition to...slimy , deceitful bastard .

if...

if i were a caveman...i would buy a dehumidifier .

church service

the church service was going quite well...until some guy thanked the lord for the chance to have a gang bang with a bunch of sluts .

dog park

there is this dog park close to this pool where i go every day...no shit...there are three parking spaces reserved for the members...and they are marked..."dogs park only".

asshole

i do not think you should ever call someone an asshole...i think that people who do...are assholes .

shit

before you clean your toilet...flush down the shit .

sex

sex...the hamburger of the universe .

english

me teech english...me teech good...you learnd much...phome now.

frogs

after many years of research...it has been proven that the majority of people who flush frogs down the toilet...do not like frogs .

the cow

so i show a friend a picture of a horse that i took in switzerland...i tell her that there is an interesting story associated with the picture...then i show her a picture of a cow...she says to me..."does the cow have an interesting story too?"...i said ..."no"...but what i should have said was..."yes...once upon a time...there was a cow...the end".

having puppies

once upon a time...there was this couple that kept on trying to have a dog...but they kept on having children instead .

having sex

did you know that over one % of people having sex...are thinking about their partners??? incredible!!!

toilets

toilets are the opposite of people...they take a lot of shit...and hardly give any back .

far far away

in a galaxy far far away...people do not inject heroin...because needles are illegal .

highway

i had a dog named...highway...but he got ran over .

being mugged

it is a horrible experience getting mugged at gun point...especially if the fuckers don't kiss you good-by .

the ugly dog

ten minutes ago...i was in the liquor store...and i noticed this lady had a dog with her...i asked the clerk for a treat so i could...you know....bond with the animal...i gave the dog the biscuit...she ate it...then dog and master promptly walked out of the store...at this point...another clerk turned to me and said...and i quote..."stu...we don't feed ugly dogs around here."

shame

there is no greater shame than being ashamed...in the greatest possible way .

people

people should be themselves...unless it makes me feel uncomfortable...at which point...they should find someone else to be .

the yard sale

the yard sale was a complete success...and it was amazing how quickly those young boys just gobbled up the porno magazines .

church and masturbation

it was strange that the local church had all of those protest meetings to stop masturbation...and even stranger that they got people to demonstrate what masturbation was .

potato chips

i have a friend...that whenever he buys potato chip dip...it tastes substantially better than when other people buy it...i deeply feel...that if anyone ever figures out why...we could actually save this fucking planet .

cooking

i love to cook for people...especially when it kills them .

being jealous

you know your wife is jealous...when she accuses you of screwing the rats in the basement .

church bulliten

apparently...replacing the church bulletin with porno mags...just did not fly the way the minister thought it would .

world soccer

the world soccer thing-a-ma-jig...is just fine...but they should spend less time kicking that fucking ball around...and more time soccering .

some people

some  people...literally command their sperm not to impregnate...there is a name for such people...they are called...parents .

tennis

the best part of a game of tennis...is when the trolls suddenly appear...and eat your opponent .

remember

just remember...when you say to someone..."are you stupid or something???" it is hardly ever the "or something".

being special

god loves everyone...but me...he hates me...which means...I AM SPECIAL .

blow-up dolls

sex is a beautiful and intimate thing...unless , of course...your blow-up doll springs a leak .

do not argue

it says in the bible...that we should not argue beliefs...which is o.k. with me...chopping someones head off is so much less time consuming .

tit bullets

what we really need...is a female super-hero that shoots bullets out of her tits...not so much to fight the "bad guys"...but more for the entertainment value .

autobiography

i got a title for my autobiography..."everything was hard but my penis."

horny soda

my favorite soda is horny soda...it does not taste very good...but it gets you jerked around .

people

people hate being called unloving...in fact , if you call them unloving...they will do very painful things to you...you might even die .

grandma

when i need guidance...enlightenment...direction...i simply recall those immortal words of grandma..."stop playing with your cock."

two types of people

there are two types of people in this world...me...and everyone else .

gov't rebate

if the government wants to tax people for eating fatty food...then you should get a rebate for screwing .

how to get a job

the best way to get a job...is to tell your potential employer that you believe your weakness is that you love to be abused and controlled by authority figures .

penguins

being raised by penguins would not have been that bad...except for one thing...I FUCKING HATE FISH .

being gay

he never said anything...but i could just tell...my pet squid thought that i was gay .

parking ticket

i remember getting my first parking ticket...and how special i felt .

rats

i would like rats a lot more...if they were better looking...more cuddly...gave good advice on all sorts of shit...and...oh yes...could suck your dick really well .

giant squid

some people like throwing out an octopus onto the hockey arena...but i think a giant squid would be more interesting .

oral sex

by the time you figure out that you cannot get someone pregnant by oral sex...you are just too tired to care .

moby dick

the reason why moby dick was mad...he wanted to be called moby penis .

security

as a child...i felt very secure...manly because my father was a bad shot .

baseball

i would have been a great baseball player...except for one thing...i suck .

meditation

meditation is like spiritual beans...it helps you to fart out all your shitty attitudes .

t.v. shows

t.v. shows should not conclude with credits...apologies would be a lot more appropriate .

t.v.

people ask my why i have a turn on top of my t.v...to them i reply..."it is a lot better than the shit inside my t.v."

human nature

it is human nature to project shit on people...but it is not my fault that everyone on this planet...besides me...if a fish from outer space in disguise .

commitment

my therapist thinks that i am afraid of commitment...truth is however...i am just holding out for a girl with three tits .

toilet paper

i hope that when i buy a 24 pack of toilet paper...that the clerk does not think that i have 24 ass holes .