THE PERFECT LOVE...

I WAS ONE INCH AWAY FROM BEING THE PERFECT LOVE .

THE SCORPION...

THERE WAS A SCORPION IN MY SHOE...BUT WHAT MADE IT WORSE WAS I PUT THE SHOE OVER MY PENIS .

GAY PRIDE DAY...

GAY PRIDE DAY ??? GREAT...NOW , HOW ABOUT MASTURBATION DAY ??? OR BI-SEXUAL DAY ???

LIZARD MEN...

LIZARD MEN NEED EXPENSIVE MAKE-UP .

N.H..L. FRANCHISE...

THERE IS MORE LABRADOR TEA IN NOVA SCOTIA THAN LABRADOR...AND IF WE EVER GET A N.H.L. FRANCHISE...WE SHOULD CALL IT "THE LABRADOR TEAS " .

LEO TOLSTOY...

" LEO TOLSTOY AND HIS NEUROTIC GANG OF IMPOTENT SPAZ-BASTARDS"...AN UNPUBLISHED MASTERPIECE .

THE CRAB...

ONCE THERE WAS A CRAB WHO HAD THE MOST POWERFUL CLAWS IN THE UNIVERSE...BUT ALL HE WOULD DO IS SIT THERE AND SCRATCH HIS ASS WITH THEM .

THERE IS CRAB IN ALL OF US .

WHAT WOULD JESUS DO ???

" WHAT WOULD JESUS DO ??? " I WILL TELL YOU WHAT HE WOULDN'T DO...SLEEP WITH MY WIFE...UNLIKE YOU , YOU ASS HOLE !!!

CLEAN SHIT...

IF YOU ARE GOING TO EAT SHIT...MAKE SURE IT IS CLEAN .

POST TRAUMATIC STRESS

BY THE YEAR 2110...EVERYONE IN JURASSIC PARK...WILL HAVE POST TRAUMATIC STRESS .

FIXED THINGS...

TWO THINGS THAT ARE FIXED...LIFE AND YOUR CAT .

THE ANSWERING MACHINE...

MY MOTHER LEFT ME A MESSAGE THAT MY ANSWERING MACHINE WAS BROKEN .

THE DEVIL...

AS A THEOLOGIAN...I CAN TELL YOU THAT THE DEVIL IS ON CRACK .

THE SKY...

I WROTE A POEM ENTITLED " THE SKY "...IT GOES LIKE THIS..." WHAT A NICE SKY " . 

THE ROAD LESS TAKEN...

I HOPE "THE ROAD LESS TAKEN"...HAS A MASTERBATORIUM ALONG THE WAY .

SHIT ON APPLES...

DID YOU KNOW THERE IS SHIT ON YOUR APPLES ???

TOP GRADES OF MEAT...

MY BAR-BO-Q...IS SPECIAL...TO BE USED FOR FOR ONLY TOP GRADES OF MEAT .

NEVER GOODE A MONKEY...

NEVER  GOOSE A MONKEY...ESPECIALLY IF HER BOYFRIEND IS NEAR BY .

THE LOCH NESS MONSTER...

IT DOESN'T MATTER IF WE BELIEVE IN THE LOCH NESS MONSTER...WHAT MATTERS IS THAT HE BELIEVES IN HIMSELF .

TALL SHIPS...SUMMER 1984

THE TALL SHIPS CAME INTO TOWN...AND THE HAMBURGER JOINTS DOUBLED THEIR PRICES...SOMETIMES A SAIL...IS THERE TO BE SHOVED UP SOMEONES ASS .

THE LOCH NESS MONSTER...

MAYBE IF THEY DIDN'T CALL HIM THE LOCH NESS MONSTER...PEOPLE WOULD WARM UP TO HIM A LITTLE MORE .

...HOW ABOUT...THE LOCH NESS SEXY HORN DOG ???

JESUS IN THE GARDEN...

JESUS DRANK HIS COFFEE IN THE GARDEN...THE DISCIPLES...EARL OF GREY TEA .

AN ODE TO AN OLD HAG...

I ONCE KNEW A LADY WHO LOOKED LIKE YOU...BUT NOW THE OLD HAG IS DEAD .

SEXUAL PREFERENCE...

SEXUAL PREFERENCE ??? HAVING THE NEIGHBORS WATCH .

...THE SASQUATCH...

A DOOR HELPS KEEP THE SASQUATCH OUT .

THE FOUR HORSEMEN...

AND WHO SHOULD BE ON THE END OF THE LINE ??? THE FOUR HORSEMEN OF THE BOOK OF REVELATION...AND THEY WERE STONED .

TRUE STORY...SHOPPING MALL SANTA...USE YOUR IMAGINATION .

MY GIRLFRIEND HAD SEX WITH SANTA...WHICH MEANS HE OWED ME AN EXTRA GIFT .