GRADUATION DAY

graduation day bible college
i get a couple bottles of wine
travel to the beach downtown with my friends
grab a table 30 yards from where the faculty are
debating shit about who's dick is bigger
moses's or jonah's
(moses , by the way)
then i take off my clothes
and go for a swim

no sharks , baby
they are all sitting at a table
back on shore

40 days

noah wanted it to rain
for 40 days and nights
he didn't get that
instead
he got a pound of heroin
and apparently
that amounted to
essentially the same thing

A DINGO ATE MY BABY

a dingo ate my baby
but it was a metaphoric dingo
and the baby was my inner-child

making a long story short
nobody gave a fuck

THE EXPERIMENT

instead of a cross
the church erected a penis
on the front lawn
just to see what
the congregation would say
they were all for it at first
until they were told
this had nothing to do with the orgy issue
and they were still opposed
to the way of the corinthians # 
at least for the time being  

# the corinthians were given shit by paul for the practice of group sex , among other things 

THE PROPHET...

the prophet is eating chips
thing is
he doesn't know what brand it is
if they are fresh or not  
nor how long will it take him to finish
the fucking things
...better hurry up , prophet 
those whores won't wait forever

THE BANANA / MONKEY THING

the banana / monkey thing
is an exercise of skill and balance 
and learning the art of being invisible
under the most fucked up circumstances
in the world of underground sexuality  
it never works
though science says it is indeed possible
like one in every billion times or so
on more thing
this is definitely not for people
who have any sort of affection for  monkeys
...even in the slightest

BASED ON A TRUE STORY...

IF YOU WANT TO HAVE FUN IN BIBLE COLLEGE...TELL THE GUY SITTING NEXT TO YOU THAT GOD SAID THAT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO SCREW HIS WIFE .

SHIT LIKE THAT

...shit like that

in bible college
you are not supposed to have sex
in any form
be it straight , gay , or self
...or whatever
what this means
is that the real spiritual person
will find ulterior ways 
to release sexual energy
you know , like murder
cat juggling and making fun
of challenged people 

SICK , ISN'T IT ???

sick ,isn't it ???

bible college is over for another day
dave looks at me and says " sick ,isn't it ??? "
his wife cooks us some food
we laugh at each other
hop in my automobile
and make our way to " pizza slut "
we return
brew some java
he looks at me again and says :
" sick , isn't it ??? "

yes , dave : it is indeed sick

THE OLD MAN AND THE SWIMMING POOL

this old fellow was trying to lose some weight
he used the reward system
swim a length of the pool
grab a piece of chicken
then swim another length and repeat

funny thing is
he starved to death in three weeks  

SCREWING

a young couple got thrown out of bible college

for screwing
hummmmmm , me says to meself
i guess they weren't very good at it
i ask politely if they could put on
a demonstration
so us fellow students could judge
( you know judge in the good way )
for ourselves

...and nobody ever heard from me again

POCKET PUSSY

i am going on vacation
and do you know who i am taking with me ???
pocket pussy
yup , that's right
nothing relaxes you
before you preach a sermon
like pocket pussy
pocket pussy
this is one cat
that feeds you
pocket pussy
soap to clean pocket pussy
not included 

SOME PEOPLE

there are some people in this world
though they would never put their lips
to a bottle of rum
non-the-less
would have no problem
taking a bottle of rum
and breaking the fucking thing
over any poor shit
that didn't see things his way

we refer to these people
as ned and steve

THE EVOLUTION OF THE PENIS...

according to evolution
the more intelligent someone is
the smaller the penis
roughly translated
most people consider themselves stupid
when they are wearing clothes
and much smarter
when they are naked

THE FIRST CHURCH OF POCKET PUSSY

i joined the first church of pocket pussy
and it is indeed fabulous
we just sit around all sunday morning
and judge and condemn those who
don't use pocket pussy
fuck , we might even tar and feather some of them
not that we want to
but we sure as shit don't
want to piss off the almighty   

NURSE IN THE OVEN...

so i went to the doctor the other day
and he told me that i got three months to live
i replied : " metric or imperial months ??? "
he just swigged back his rum
and we both had a good laugh

then we put his nurse in the oven  

MID EIGHTIES...AN INTERESTING DATE

the night began with me
telling you that i love you
and it ended with me
telling you to go smoke
a big fat turd

what happened in between
we will refer to this
and the mystery hours

THE LAST DAY...

come the last day of the world
do you think there will be any miracles 
performed by jesus ???
i mean , really !!!
what's the point ???

OLD FOLKS

there i was walking down the street
and there were these old folks
sitting on their front porch
i said to them :
" how you doing ???"
the old lady replied
" i can't complain
nobody would listen to me anyway "
so i said :
"what the fuck are you married to him for
if he won't listen ??? "
she said : " fuck , you're right "
went inside
gathered her shit
and was never heard from again

NOT-LIVE-LONG-A-SAURAS-REX

so i go see my dr.

and...guess what ???
he tells me that i got
three months to live
so i say to him...i say :
"dr. , that means that if i were a dinosaur
they would name me
not-got-long-to-live-a-sauras-rex"
we both laugh
and he passes me a smoke   

THE BEST SEX...

the best sex
is probably done by
really hard core repressed
religious zealots
who , with every thrust
penetrate their partner
with anger , repressed homosexual desires
and secretly hoping that
their mother is watching
and masturbating in the corner

this could lead to amazing orgasms...
among other things

THE GREATEST FORCE...

the greatest force in the universe
is coming to take you away
the greatest force in the universe
he swears to god he ain't gay

oh , the bad guys cannot beat him
even thought they wish they could
he has a heart that's really brave
and a dick that's hard as wood

POST...

DID YOU EVER WONDER WHY THE WORD "POST"...LOOKS LIKE A VERY ANGRY 13 YEAR OLD ???