WHEN YOU LIE...

NEXT TIME YOU LIE...REMEMBER THE PEANUT BUTTER .

GOT MY NEW JUSTIN BEIBER

got my boots
got my tokes  
got my underwear
got my smokes
got my pocket pussy
and pocket pussy lubricant  
my guru gave it to me
it was used by clark kent  


yea , i'm movin' to new mexico
gonna raise some sheep
i'm movin' to new mexico
i can feel the dust under my ass 

got my hat
got my comb
got my stuffed bunny
i won it in the astradome 
got a copy
of the latest justin bieber
won't go nowhere
without my labrador retriever

HOLE IN YOUR ASS...

MAY THE HOLE IN YOUR HEART BE SMALLER THAN THE ONE IN YOUR ASS .

NOSE PICKING IN SLUGVILLE...

HOW DOES A SLUG PICK HIS NOSE ???

all that shit...

all that guilt , shame , fearfulness
self hatred and such
stored up in your testicles
god wants to smite you
and your penis is filled
with the knowledge of your worthlessness
said plain and simple : you suck
and sex has now become some screaming prick
from behind a podium
you think of your mother
as you pounce upon her
the whole fucking thing
was her fault anyway

NECESSITY...

NECESSITY IS THE MOTHER OF NEEDING THINGS .

fuck-eyes

this scientist named his child FUCK-EYES
to see how he would fair in the real world
with such a name
the results were so amazing
that they gave him a NOBEL prize
TOO BAD HIS KID SHOT HIM
DURING HIS ACCEPTANCE SPEECH

AFTER THE GAME...

after the big game
the hockey player was interviewed
and he talked about his
woman's underwear fetish
how he likes to eat
the dirty pairs
and the dirtier the better

don cherry was not amused

EXCUSES AND SUCH...

THE DEMON LADY WANTED TO SEDUCE ME...BUT I TOLD HER THAT I HAD JUST EATEN AN ENTIRE CHICKEN AND WAS FULL .

MY FAVORITE PREACHER...

MY FAVORITE PREACHER...IS THE GRAND WIZARD OF RELIGION .

UNCONDITIONAL LOVE

WHAT I DON'T LIKE ABOUT UNCONDITIONAL LOVE ??? ALL THE CONDITIONS .

SPECIAL SPEAKER

this special speaker in bible college
he talks about screwing sheep
and how you shouldn't do it
then he picks out a sheep from the audience
and clearly demonstrates how not
to fuck the little bastards

i just sit there and take notes
either that or be expelled 

UNWISE WOMAN...

AN UNWISE WOMAN HAS NO BATTERIES FOR HER VIBRATOR .

SEX...

DEATH HAS REPLACED SEX AS THE TABOO TOPIC...SO I WONDER WHERE HAVING SEX WITH DEAD PEOPLE FITS IN .

ALLSOP

his name was timmy allsop
when he died
his kid put on his grave :
" i sop
you sop
all sop "
why he did this
nobody really knows

TOILET PAPER...

I HOPE THE ALIENS DON'T WANT US BECAUSE THEY THINK WE ARE A SOURCE OF TOILET PAPER .

MR . COFFIN

when mr. coffin died
everyone rolled around the grave stone
laughing
and saying things like :
"his name is coffin
and he is in a coffin
get it ???"

his wife laughed so hard
she died too
they threw her in the hole
and saved a shit load of money

NO GOOD DEED...

if there was a bomb
and you threw your body over it
and saved the lives of 100 diplomats
YET
somehow you remained unharmed
do you know what kind of reward you would get
well , i will tell you exactly what would happen
THEY WOULD TREAT YOU LIKE A MOTHER FUCKING GUINEA-PIG
FOR THE REST OF YOUR FUCKING LIFE
COMPLETE WITH TUBES UP YOUR ASS HOLE
AND DEHYDRATED SHIT IN YOUR TRAP
no more and no less
yup...that's about it

NO GOOD DEED GOES UNPUNISHED 

NON-VIOLENCE...

MY FATHER WAS A NON-VIOLENT MAN...AND BY THAT...I MEAN HE WAS A BAD SHOT WITH A GUN .

THE BALCONY...

I WAS TALKING TO THIS DENTIST...WE WERE ON THE BALCONY OF THE 15TH FLOOR OF THIS OFFICE BUILDING...HE SAYS TO ME..." ONE FLEETING MOMENT OF INSANITY AND IT COULD ALL BE OVER "...THEN HE GRABS ANOTHER HANDFUL OF CHIPS .

RYAN ADAMS...

DID YOU KNOW RYAN ADAMS AND BRIAN ADAMS HAVE THE SAME BIRTHDAY ??? SAME BIRTHDAY AND DIFFERENT UNIVERSES .

"PURDY DEAD"...

WHEN MRS . PURDY DIED...THEY PUT ON HER TOMB STONE..."PURDY DEAD "...AND EVERYONE HAD A GOOD CHUCKLE .

FREE LOVE

...SUCK MY FREE LOVE .

GOD AND TOILET...

WHAT DOES GOD HAVE IN COMMON WITH A TOILET ??? THEY BOTH HAVE TO PUT UP WITH PILES AND PILES OF SHIT .

"AN EYE FOR AN EYE"...

"AN EYE FOR AN EYE"...AND NOBODY CAN CATCH ME STEALING SHIT .