some people

some  people...literally command their sperm not to impregnate...there is a name for such people...they are called...parents .

tennis

the best part of a game of tennis...is when the trolls suddenly appear...and eat your opponent .

remember

just remember...when you say to someone..."are you stupid or something???" it is hardly ever the "or something".

being special

god loves everyone...but me...he hates me...which means...I AM SPECIAL .

blow-up dolls

sex is a beautiful and intimate thing...unless , of course...your blow-up doll springs a leak .

do not argue

it says in the bible...that we should not argue beliefs...which is o.k. with me...chopping someones head off is so much less time consuming .

tit bullets

what we really need...is a female super-hero that shoots bullets out of her tits...not so much to fight the "bad guys"...but more for the entertainment value .

autobiography

i got a title for my autobiography..."everything was hard but my penis."

horny soda

my favorite soda is horny soda...it does not taste very good...but it gets you jerked around .

people

people hate being called unloving...in fact , if you call them unloving...they will do very painful things to you...you might even die .

grandma

when i need guidance...enlightenment...direction...i simply recall those immortal words of grandma..."stop playing with your cock."

two types of people

there are two types of people in this world...me...and everyone else .

gov't rebate

if the government wants to tax people for eating fatty food...then you should get a rebate for screwing .

how to get a job

the best way to get a job...is to tell your potential employer that you believe your weakness is that you love to be abused and controlled by authority figures .

penguins

being raised by penguins would not have been that bad...except for one thing...I FUCKING HATE FISH .

being gay

he never said anything...but i could just tell...my pet squid thought that i was gay .

parking ticket

i remember getting my first parking ticket...and how special i felt .

rats

i would like rats a lot more...if they were better looking...more cuddly...gave good advice on all sorts of shit...and...oh yes...could suck your dick really well .

giant squid

some people like throwing out an octopus onto the hockey arena...but i think a giant squid would be more interesting .

oral sex

by the time you figure out that you cannot get someone pregnant by oral sex...you are just too tired to care .

moby dick

the reason why moby dick was mad...he wanted to be called moby penis .

security

as a child...i felt very secure...manly because my father was a bad shot .

baseball

i would have been a great baseball player...except for one thing...i suck .

meditation

meditation is like spiritual beans...it helps you to fart out all your shitty attitudes .

t.v. shows

t.v. shows should not conclude with credits...apologies would be a lot more appropriate .

t.v.

people ask my why i have a turn on top of my t.v...to them i reply..."it is a lot better than the shit inside my t.v."

human nature

it is human nature to project shit on people...but it is not my fault that everyone on this planet...besides me...if a fish from outer space in disguise .

commitment

my therapist thinks that i am afraid of commitment...truth is however...i am just holding out for a girl with three tits .

toilet paper

i hope that when i buy a 24 pack of toilet paper...that the clerk does not think that i have 24 ass holes .