sex books

sex books should come with a warning not to have sex with them .

ace in the hole

card players like to have an ace in the hole...what do you want up your hole ???

porno

some people like porn because of lustful desires...others...because the pictures don't argue with them .

drink away

some people will call you a useless , no-good drunk...but they are just jealous .

tennis match

the best way to win a tennis match...is to play against a can of tuna .

lady ga ga

i really don't get this lady ga ga thing...are we supposed to have dreams of waking up with her in bed...or nightmares???

the interview

the best way to get a job...is to tell the fellow interviewing you...that you feel your weakness is...an unquenchable desire to be abused by your employer .

baby names

a friend of mine bought a book of baby names...eventually she decided to name her baby...copyright 1972 .

pirates

not all pirates are in love with the sea...some would rather screw people instead .

going to church

going to church is like watching a porno movie...but with the word "don't" in front of it .

my unique friend part 3

i get him this job as a security guard in a liquor store...he shows up drunk...and staggers to his post...this lady was soon to approach him to ask a question regarding one brand of wine or another...he starts to laugh his ass off...then he simply walks away .

bin ladin

what did bin ladin say when the navy seals broke into his room??? "guess i won't be getting any head tonight". 

my unique friend part 2

my unique friend walks up to his boss...opens a bottle of coke...and proceeds to pour it own his own head while laughing like a hyena...proving that things do not always go better with coke...as he was promptly fired .

the beauty of forgiveness

 

i have this idea for a movie...it is about this man who rapes this woman...and through a variety of circumstances...comes to the place where he asks for and receives her forgiveness...from this point...he demands to be her best friend...she respectfully declines...which sets him off in a tirade of psychotic episodes...killing her prize winning poodles...as well as her best friend...eventually...he gets caught by the police...and locked up in prison...his only phone call...the lady he raped...to ask for her forgiveness .

my unique friend part 1

...so he calls me on the phone...apologizes for waking me up...then asks me why i am not at the gym...thing is...it cannot be both...if i am still supposed to be in bed...then i am not supposed to be at the gym...that is just the way this universe works...if i am missing something...leave a comment...otherwise...enjoy your day...luv stu

the pope

it was wonderful watching the pope drive by and wave at all the people...i just did not understand the point of him throwing cats at the crowd was .

top 10 rules for finding a date

1-make sure she does not have a penis...(unless that is your thing)...2-date her in the daytime at least once...just in case she is a vampire...3-ask her if she thought that hitler was a reasonable human being...(he was not)...4-ask her if she thinks george bush is an intelligent man...(you would be surprised)...5-does she suffer from lock jaw...(for obvious reasons)...6-do lazy ignorant slobs turn her on...(she will figure out that you are lazy and ignorant...by the way you are always acting...you know...lazy and ignorant)...7-does she have an uncontrollably urge to piss in her boyfriends mothers wine during christmas dinner...(seems like a good idea...but the execution does not go over nearly as well as you would expect)...8-will she lie to all of your friends about the size of your penis...9-when you inform her that elvis's ghost is your secret best friend...will she tell you how big and strong you are then proceed to go down your pants...and , finally...10-will she have your grandpa over for supper...even though he has been dead for eight years.                                         

trolls

maybe trolls do live under bridges...but people live under the bridges of fear and insecurity...and they do not come with free rent .

in retrospect

in retrospect...mr. sucker and his wife...should not have named their child...dick .