THE TRADITIONAL TIE

we always got father a tie
for christmas...

each year
a little bit uglier
than the year before

SEA MONSTERS

it is the human condition
to believe that
when someone does something we don't like
it is wrong
but when we do it
it is right

and this is why
we have sea monsters

BEING THANKFUL

as the plane was going down
jacob decided to be positive
and said to himself
"at least the car is safe
in the garage
my wife will never figure out
that i fucked around
and gee , these potato chips
are so fucking good"
...and that's about it

jacob had nothing else to be thankful for 

GO FUCKYOURSELF...

we all remember the day...when mr. and mrs . FUCKYOURSELF...decided to name their kid...GO !!!

SHIT CRACKERS , THE DOG

i have a dog named SHITCRACKERS
and every time i go to church with him
the minister gives him a good swift boot
just because of his name

personally , i think
he is jealous

BATMAN AND ROBIN AND DRUGS

 dreamed that i was "batman"
the thing is , however
every time the bat light shined
"robin" was really fucked up
on designer drugs
having sex with some other young super hero
who's name i could never pronounce  
he would run to the bat mobile completely naked
throwing up on the way
as for me , "batman" 
i would just light up a smoke
then call "iron man"  
or someone like that 

AUGUST 1986

back in august 1986
i did something that  quite possibly
nobody has ever done
that being
i took a bunch of kids camping
in the middle of the woods
you know
miles in from nowhere
and all that shit
then i ordered out for pizza 

oh , yes , and one submarine sandwich 

LOVE IS LIKE YETI VIDEOS

love is like yeti videos
you gotta fumble through a couple hundred
before you find an authentic one

THE HORNY LAD...

the reason why jack keeps on jacking
is because mother goose keeps on goosing
a finger can be a beautiful thing 
shoved up ones privates
helping the hand to write the american novel
or whatever
thing is
it is not so beautiful from jack's perspective

the horny lad    

PREDATOR

ever see that movie , "predator"
you know , this vicious fucking monster
that makes himself invisible
before he stalks us  
i will tell you this , my boy
he does not need to make himself invisible
to fuck us up
i mean , just look at the fucker

the real reason why he makes himself invisible...
so we won't catch him masturbating
yup , and that is it

THE PHONE

there must be something wrong with my phone
every time i answer it
there is an idiot on the other end

THE HURRICANE...

to everyone's surprise
when the hurricane arrived
it got really windy
300 miles per hour wind
to be exact  
you could hardly play tennis
and to make matters worse
the pie eating contest
was shortened to whoever ate
the first 200 pies

and then came the tidal wave

AN ODE TO...PRIMEVAL

in two years in australia
i went skinny dipping with crocodiles
came within a half an inch
of picking up a tia pan snake 
came face to face with a kamodo dragon
and got "bum fucked" extensively
at bible college

point being :
australia don't need no anomalies
they are built right in
to the fucking scenery   

T . F . W .

the funnel web spider
is considered to be the most dangerous spider
on the whole fucking planet  
one bite can kill , like , a billion people
his victims have reportedly said
that being murdered by f.w.s.
his nickname
was beyond imagination  
and that it really bothered them
and they hope it never happens again

chips...

i will tell you why i don't want your potato chips...i would probably just end up eating then , that's why .

the dragon

there i am , confronted by this lizard
about eight feet long 
if we include his tail
and , of course , we should
you know , because he is
rather proud of his tail , i should think
anyway , i tried to feed the girl i'm with to him
he just gives me this "fuck you" look
then , with his tail
walks gently into the sunset...
tail dragging behind 

seaside woman...paul mccartney

the next time i figure out
a paul mccartney trivia question 
( for example , what is his weirdest song)
i would appreciate approval
from the hosts of the fucking contest
and to be told that my father
was completely wrong about me
and that i actually do
deserve to live 
and that nobody should take me into the woods
and blow my fucking brains out

is that too much to ask ???

LOOKING BACK...

I REMEMBER MY FAVORITE CHRISTMAS ORNAMENT...AND HOW IT HUNG LIKE A BULL'S PENIS .

MERRY CHRISTMAS...

I REMEMBER MY FAVORITE CHRISTMAS ORNAMENT...AND HOW IT HUNG LIKE A BULL'S PENIS .

next ???

what if we were to be let out of prison ??? all seven billion of us ...what would happen next ???

THE COOK MARCH !0 1988

the waitress comes into the kitchen
with the customers steak
says that the customer says
it isn't tender enough
the cook takes his knife
throws it at her
pinning her dress to the door
proceeds to grab the steak
throws it on the floor
and stamps on it for a while

"is it tender enough now ???"
he inquires