pentecostals say it's wrong to masturbate
but here is the thing
if you do it seven times a day
it should be just fine
you know
seven being a biblical number and all
fuck
i'm going for 12 times a day
once for each disciple
Sunday, January 31, 2016
Friday, January 29, 2016
FUCKED UP
in this life
we do every thing we can
to lose connection with each other
then we get all fucked up
because we lose connection
is it just me ???
we do every thing we can
to lose connection with each other
then we get all fucked up
because we lose connection
is it just me ???
Wednesday, January 27, 2016
BIBLE COLLEGE...APRIL 1989
it is special speaker time
not to be confused with special olympics
i sit in class and take notes
today's lesson
how to nail your parishioners
during hymn sing
fucking good shit
if i do say so myself
not to be confused with special olympics
i sit in class and take notes
today's lesson
how to nail your parishioners
during hymn sing
fucking good shit
if i do say so myself
Tuesday, January 26, 2016
GOLDFISH LOVE...
loving , you know
like you love your goldfish
which , of course , is a perfect love
as they remember what is going on
for about 15 seconds
before they forget it all
point being
a goldfish's love
is a perfect love
because god fucked with his head
he's allowed
after all , he is god
like you love your goldfish
which , of course , is a perfect love
as they remember what is going on
for about 15 seconds
before they forget it all
point being
a goldfish's love
is a perfect love
because god fucked with his head
he's allowed
after all , he is god
Monday, January 25, 2016
HARRY THE PERV .
we are all lost
some more than others
and from outer-space
it looks like we are on an island
floating aimlessly
did you ever wonder why nobody
named our universe ???
i got a name for it
harry the perv
it fits , don't it ???
some more than others
and from outer-space
it looks like we are on an island
floating aimlessly
did you ever wonder why nobody
named our universe ???
i got a name for it
harry the perv
it fits , don't it ???
Sunday, January 24, 2016
...SO THIS CAT...
so this cat tells me and my friend
to fuck-off in broken cat dialect
no manners or anything
he is hiding behind the bushes
speaking in cat
we look at each other
i tell him to get his cat dictionary
but his kid is using it
for some fucking science project
why would you need a cat dictionary
for a science project
is what i am thinking
meanwhile , the cat is getting away
to fuck-off in broken cat dialect
no manners or anything
he is hiding behind the bushes
speaking in cat
we look at each other
i tell him to get his cat dictionary
but his kid is using it
for some fucking science project
why would you need a cat dictionary
for a science project
is what i am thinking
meanwhile , the cat is getting away
Friday, January 22, 2016
Thursday, January 21, 2016
MY SUSPICION IS...
my suspicion is
we are no closer to
figuring shit out now
than we were
when we thought the planet
was flat
we are no closer to
figuring shit out now
than we were
when we thought the planet
was flat
Wednesday, January 20, 2016
NOAH MISUNDERSTOOD...
GOD TOLD NOAH TO BUILD HIM AN ARCHY ARCHY ...BUT WHEN GOD RETURNED...ALL THAT HAPPENED WAS THE DOG WENT..." BARKY BARKY " ...YOU KNOW...IN FIVE DIFFERENT LANGUAGES .
Tuesday, January 19, 2016
THE CHICKEN SONG
15 minutes till closing
the chicken goes on sale
in order to catch a chicken
you got to think like a chicken
in order to think like a chicken
it's time for a rum and coke
I rush out to get some
by the time a get back
the store is closed
no chicken for me
the chicken goes on sale
in order to catch a chicken
you got to think like a chicken
in order to think like a chicken
it's time for a rum and coke
I rush out to get some
by the time a get back
the store is closed
no chicken for me
Monday, January 18, 2016
BIBLE STUDY SCREW-UP...
so it is bible study time
i begin to talk about god
and stuff like that
suddenly
out of nowhere
this young lady begins to levitate
her head spins around
eyes go back in her head
pea soup comes out of her mouth
all i'm thinking is
i guess i'm using the wrong
edition of the bible
i begin to talk about god
and stuff like that
suddenly
out of nowhere
this young lady begins to levitate
her head spins around
eyes go back in her head
pea soup comes out of her mouth
all i'm thinking is
i guess i'm using the wrong
edition of the bible
Sunday, January 17, 2016
MIRACLE...
sometimes when people swear
they yell jesus christ
and when they pray
same two words
but i will tell you what will
make you yell jesus christ
as laud as you fucking well can
and that's when you pray for somebody
and they are actually healed
you know , like a miracle
of course , you want to pretend
it is all part of the gig
so you cover it up somehow
non-the-less , a real miracle
can make anyone crap their pants
they yell jesus christ
and when they pray
same two words
but i will tell you what will
make you yell jesus christ
as laud as you fucking well can
and that's when you pray for somebody
and they are actually healed
you know , like a miracle
of course , you want to pretend
it is all part of the gig
so you cover it up somehow
non-the-less , a real miracle
can make anyone crap their pants
Saturday, January 16, 2016
THE TIA PAN...
after much deliberation
i have concluded
that the tia pan
is not an instrument
of love making
nor the kind of pet
one cuddles in bed with
instead
and who would have thought it
it is a motherfucking killing macine
to be avoided at all costs
i have concluded
that the tia pan
is not an instrument
of love making
nor the kind of pet
one cuddles in bed with
instead
and who would have thought it
it is a motherfucking killing macine
to be avoided at all costs
Thursday, January 14, 2016
Wednesday, January 13, 2016
CHRISTIAN SEX . CUM...
are you a born again christian
but you are tired of some idiot
behind a podium directing your sexuality ???
you know , telling you to wait until you are married
or divorced
or something like that ???
well , if that be the case
christian sex . cum is for you
christian sex . cum
where the bull shit is shot back
into the bulls ass
where it belongs
but you are tired of some idiot
behind a podium directing your sexuality ???
you know , telling you to wait until you are married
or divorced
or something like that ???
well , if that be the case
christian sex . cum is for you
christian sex . cum
where the bull shit is shot back
into the bulls ass
where it belongs
Tuesday, January 12, 2016
THE PIZZA PARLOR...
the pamphlet of every second pizza parlor
has the same picture of a fat man
with a mo stash making an o.k. sign
with his hands on the cover
( a big fucking smile too )
...and my question is this
if this guy is actually making pizza
for 50 different places
then how in the fuck
did he get so frigging fat ???
has the same picture of a fat man
with a mo stash making an o.k. sign
with his hands on the cover
( a big fucking smile too )
...and my question is this
if this guy is actually making pizza
for 50 different places
then how in the fuck
did he get so frigging fat ???
Monday, January 11, 2016
THE BIBLE AND THE SAW...
the bible is actually a test
to see who is crazy
and who is not
if you actually believe
it should be
taken literally
well
that's when they break out
THE SAW
to see who is crazy
and who is not
if you actually believe
it should be
taken literally
well
that's when they break out
THE SAW
Sunday, January 10, 2016
Saturday, January 9, 2016
DINGO MADONNA
somewhere in north australia
i was watching a madonna video
as she was kinda doing herself or something
i was approached by this church lady
with a half eaten piece of chicken
i didn't know if i was supposed to eat it
or get madonna to rub it
all over her genitals
but then i figured
she could probably afford the entire chicken
so i ate it
i was watching a madonna video
as she was kinda doing herself or something
i was approached by this church lady
with a half eaten piece of chicken
i didn't know if i was supposed to eat it
or get madonna to rub it
all over her genitals
but then i figured
she could probably afford the entire chicken
so i ate it
Friday, January 8, 2016
COFFEE TIME...
i sit on the porch with my friend
we discuss theology
like why did alligators have such big teeth ?
well
probably to crunch their coffee beans with
and...
how did they pour the brew
now we are treading into really deep shit
too profound for first year bible college students
i need some more coffee
we discuss theology
like why did alligators have such big teeth ?
well
probably to crunch their coffee beans with
and...
how did they pour the brew
now we are treading into really deep shit
too profound for first year bible college students
i need some more coffee
Thursday, January 7, 2016
MY BATHING SUIT...
so there i was swimming with these pentecostals
every time they took a stroke
they would speak in tongues
then they noticed my speedo bathing suit
they informed me it was sin
so i took it off
and that didn't go over very well either
and you should have seen how poorly decorated
their whore house was decorated
every time they took a stroke
they would speak in tongues
then they noticed my speedo bathing suit
they informed me it was sin
so i took it off
and that didn't go over very well either
and you should have seen how poorly decorated
their whore house was decorated
Tuesday, January 5, 2016
ADAM AND EVE
i don't know
about adam and eve
but all i did to get
thrown out of the garden
was to brew some
imported fucking coffee
apparently
the good lord
only allows home grown
about adam and eve
but all i did to get
thrown out of the garden
was to brew some
imported fucking coffee
apparently
the good lord
only allows home grown
Sunday, January 3, 2016
POT PIE BLUES
these people went away for a while
and left me to feed their hound
thing is
they don't have a hound
not even a fucking cat actually
i would think it is a spiritual hound
the hound within
but if my theology is correct
you are supposed to starve that one
anyway
i wonder how the pot pie is doing ???
and left me to feed their hound
thing is
they don't have a hound
not even a fucking cat actually
i would think it is a spiritual hound
the hound within
but if my theology is correct
you are supposed to starve that one
anyway
i wonder how the pot pie is doing ???
Saturday, January 2, 2016
CITIZEN OF THE YEAR
i will tell you why
i shot his head off
you know all those signs that say
"keep this city beautiful ???"
well
maybe i am just an old softy
but i take those things
seriously
so i blew the fuckers head off
which should make me
citizen of the year
by my calculations
i shot his head off
you know all those signs that say
"keep this city beautiful ???"
well
maybe i am just an old softy
but i take those things
seriously
so i blew the fuckers head off
which should make me
citizen of the year
by my calculations
Friday, January 1, 2016
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