BE A PROSTITUTE...

the thing about prostitution is that it is such an honest way of communicating...that is to say , prostitution lets the cat out of the bag...or , in this case , pussy.

BEING STRAIGHT

what does it mean to be straight ???
not into lobsters
and certainly not into giant squid
indeed...being straight is all about the absence of sea food
in your sexual diet
and very few will fault you for that

just a few here and there

OPEN YOUR MOUTH

next time you open your mouth
and speak 
remember
there is a slight chance
be it ever so slight
some poor fucker
may take you seriously

PASS THE CHICKEN , PLEASE

yes ,
you are absolutely right
god made you smart
just so you can make fun
of all the stupid people
maybe even torture them
if you get half a chance 
you know , their mother is screwing the post man
or something like that

pass the chicken , please

LIFE IN OUTER - SPACE

if we ever did discover
life in outer-space
first thing we would do
is evaluate the situation and figure out
if we could beat the fuck out of them
or not
...and if we could
we would dress them up as indians
then proceed
to eliminate the whole fucking species

human style 

SUPER VILLAIN

so you cut some girl's pony tail off
while she was sleeping
and when she called the cops on you
you told them you were auditioning
for the next "batman" super villain position
anyway
making a long story short
you gave them your autograph  

UNDER THE SUN

look at your average family
extrapolate
and there you have it
planet earth

nothing new under the sun , baby

SASQUATCH ISLAND

they call this island
sasquatch island
do you know why ???
take a guess
take one fucking guess
have you guessed yet ???
good
then i will tell you
it's because
in the entire history of the island
a sasquatch has never been seen
in the fucking place
so they wanted to compensate for this fact

weird , eh ???

JOHNNY COCK

i was 13 years old
i told my mother
and i quote :
"johnny cock and the suckers
are coming to town"

i got grounded for a week 

HOLY WHORES

hopefully
the position
your prostitute taught you
is down on your knees , brother

amen !!!

4 signs you had a heart attack...

1-you are dead
2-you are still dead
3-people begin to notice how dead you are
4-people begin to talk regarding you being so dead and all

THINGS THAT MAKE US WALK AWAY FROM OURSELVES

1-lying to those we love
2-denying sexual thoughts
3-taking the last piece of chicken
4-taking  religion seriously
5-achieving through violence
6-handing out shit is fine...but not if you tell the recipient it is t-bone steak
7-sucking the penis of the institution
8-having sex with a pissed off baboon
9-smoking
10-bum fucking when there is no bum

...and do you know what doesn't make us walk away from our humanity ??? walking away from our humanity...THINK ABOUT IT !!!  

MASTURBATION MILDRED

i told her to do on stage
what we were practicing in private
next thing you know
she is in front of 27 , 000 people
with her finger up her privates
singing willie nelson's greatest hits

i yelled out :
"mildred , the other thing
we practiced in private"

JESUS

they crucified jesus...because he said he was...and i quote...'' bigger than the BEATLES '' .

DINOSAURS

the way this world is going
pretty soon they will discover
that tyrannosaurus rex
was a vegetarian
and that the dinosaurs all became extinct
because of mass homosexuality...
all but the yeti
( of course , bigfoot is just
a fucking myth )   

SEX EDUCATION...GIRLS

"listen , teacher
no offense
but i don't want one of
those fucking things
in my mouth
i don't care what
billy's mother says"

the teacher walks to her desk
and sniffs some more coke

SEX ED .

so the 12 year old boy
says to his sex ed  teacher
"do i have to fuck frogs  ???
i mean
no offense
but chicks seem like
a far better idea"

the teacher injects
some more heroin   

THE CAT

the cat wants me to let it out
of its fucking room
he is unaware that if i were
to do this favor
i could possibly go to jail
he is also unaware
that i don't really give a flying fuck
about his predicament

the cat
come to think of it
he is unaware of a whole lot
of shit

the cat !!!