THE YETI'S SNEAKERS...

THE YETI'S SNEAKERS...MAKE HER LOOK JUST LIKE ANOTHER MONKEY .

ROAD LESS TRAVELED...

"THE ROAD LESS TRAVELED"...HAS A POP MACHINE...AS AN ADDED BONUS .

THE YETI

I SAW THE YETI...AND HER TITS HUNG LOW .

LION TRAINING SCHOOL

ONE LION SAYS TO THE OTHER LION IN LION TRAINING SCHOOL..."ABOVE ALL...NEVER GET CAUGHT STIRRING YOUR RUM AND COKE WITH YOUR PENIS ".

ODE TO THE BANANA UNIVERSE

I SLIPPED ON A BANANA PEEL...AND FELL INTO AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE...WHERE EVERYTHING WAS BEAUTIFUL...BUT SMELLED LIKE JUST A HINT OF BANANA .

RATS UP YOUR ASS

PEOPLE WHO COMPLAIN OF HAVING RATS IN THE SEWER...NEVER HAD ONE UP THEIR ASS .

PROOF OF THE PUDDING...

THE PROOF OF THE PUDDING IS IN THE EATING...SO ARE THE EMPTY CALORIES .

MASTURBATION DAY

GOD MAY TAKE US ALL OUT SOONER OR LATER...UNTIL THEN...HAPPY MASTURBATION DAY !!!

NAMING...

PEOPLE SHOULD NAME THEIR PENIS "HAND"...THEN THEY WOULDN'T FEEL SO BAD ABOUT SHAKING IT .

THE LOBSTER

I DON'T KNOW HOW MANY LEGS A LOBSTER HAS...WHO DO YOU THINK I AM...THE POPE ???

COMING THIS SUMMER

COMING THIS SUMMER..."MY CRACK BABY RAN OFF WITH THE CIRCUS"

BULLSHIT ROOMMATE

I WALK INTO MY ROOM...MY ROOMMATE SAYS..." IF YOUR STUFF IS OUT OF PLACE...IT IS BECAUSE THE HOUSE TIPPED WHILE YOU WERE AWAY" .

DARWIN'S BIG DICK

IF EVOLUTION WERE REAL...WOULDN'T EVERYONE HAVE A REALLY BIG PENIS ??? 

EVOLUTION

IF EVOLUTION ALLOWS FOR US TO SUCK OUR OWN PRIVATE BITS...YOU KNOW THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG.

EXORCISM

I CHARGE 12 DOLLARS FOR AN EXORCISM...10 DOLLARS TO GET THE DEMON OUT...AND TWO TO CLEAN THE PEA SOUP OUT OF THE CARPET .

WORDS

EVERY WORD BEING UTTERED OUT OF OUR MOUTH...INCREASES THE ODDS OF THE NEXT ONE BEING UTTERLY RIDICULOUS .

FLARMS DICTIONARY

REALITY...SOMETHING YOU RUB ON YOUR PENIS BEFORE SEX .

THE GRAND CONFUSION

WHAT CONFUSES GIRLS IS WHEN THE BEST LOOKING AND COOLEST BOY IN THE CLASS...GETS CAUGHT EATING A TURD .

DINOSAURS

DINOSAURS ARE VERY INTERESTING...AND THE LESS SEX YOU ARE GETTING...THE MORE INTERESTING THEY ARE .

SPIRITUAL BEANS

I BOUGHT SOME SPIRITUAL BEANS...SO I COULD FART MY WAY TO ENLIGHTENMENT .

FAVORITE GROUP

MY FAVORITE GROUP IS THE ONE THAT DOESN'T LAUGH AT ME WHEN I ATTEND THEIR CONCERT .

PENIS FLYING INTO THE SUN .

MY PENIS TOLD ME THAT HE WANTED TO FLY INTO THE SUN...I SAID..."JUST WAIT UNTIL I PACK MY BAG" .

MY PET SQUID

MY PET SQUID MAKES FUN OF MY SEXUALITY .

# 69

# 69 MAY HAVE BEEN A LOT OF FUN...BUT # 47 SENT ME TO THE HOSPITAL .

THE SHIT DEMON

THE SHIT DEMON PLAYED IN THE KITCHEN...AND NOBODY NOTICED...BESIDES THE CAT .

JANE AND TARZAN

JANE LEFT TARZAN...BECAUSE HE WAS A SWINGER .

WIFE'S ASS

LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT...YOU MADE A WOOL SWEATER...FROM YOUR WIFE'S ASS .

PENIS IN MOUTH

I WAS TRYING TO TELL EVERYONE I WAS NOT GAY...BUT I COULDN'T TALK...BECAUSE THERE WAS A PENIS IN MY MOUTH .

HURTING THINGS

IT IS A HORRIBLE THING TO HURT AN ANIMAL...UNLESS YOU ARE SURE IT CAN'T HURT YOU BACK .

VILLAGE IDIOT

I WOULD RATHER HAVE 1000 VILLAGE IDIOTS...THAN ONE VILLAGE GOSSIP .

FUCKALEE-DUCK-DUCK

THE SKY IS NOT FALLING...THE WORLD IS GOING FUCKALEE-DUCK-DUCK...IT'S OBVIOUS , ACTUALLY .

...BUT WHAT DO COWS KNOW ???

A COW TOLD ME RACCOONS LIVE 20 YEARS .

IT'S A TROLL

WHAT DOES A WOMAN NEVER WANT TO HEAR WHILE GIVING BIRTH..." IT'S A TROLL " .

PISSING IN THE GARDEN

...SO YOUR NEIGHBOR THINKS YOU ARE A BAD PERSON...JUST BECAUSE YOU PISSED IN THE GARDEN .

PENIS SIZE

THE GREATER THE NEED TO TAKE OVER THE GOVERNMENT...THE SMALLER THE PENIS .

WHO WOULD WIN ???

WHO WOULD WIN...JESUS OR GODZILLA ???

A CAT-AS-TROPHY

MY COUGAR ESCAPED AND WENT INTO THE LOCAL SHOPPING MALL AND ATE 14 PEOPLE...THE NEWSPAPER SAID..."IT WAS A CAT-AS-TROPHY " .

COLUMBUS

THE FIRST THING THAT COLUMBUS DID WHEN HE REACHED NORTH AMERICA...WAS TO DECLARE HOMOSEXUALITY...HETEROSEXUAL...THEN HE SCREWED EVERYONE...INCLUDING BIGFOOT .

COLUMBUS THE FAKER

THE FIRST THING COLUMBUS DID WHEN HE CAME TO AMERICA...FAKE A SASQUATCH SIGHTING .

MAN FROM ATLANTIS

IF I WERE THE MAN FROM ATLANTIS...I WOULD DROWN...BECAUSE I CAN'T SWIM .

MOVING TO AUSTRALIA

...GO TO THE LOCAL MALL AND DISTRIBUTE SWEATERS TO THOSE WHO SHOWED THE MOST APPRECIATION FOR ANY PARTICULAR ONE...BASICALLY...GIRLS WHO WORKED IN COFFEE SHOPS  .

THE LAST SUPPER

IF YOU READ THE GREEK...AT THE LAST SUPPER...THEY HAD A BUCKET OF CHICKEN .

13 MONTH CALENDERS

i like calenders with a BONUS MONTH...they give me a hard-on .

APRIL 1978

MY FIRST GIRLFRIEND SAID I COULD GOOSE HER...SO I WENT OUT AND BOUGHT A GOOSE...NEXT TIME I DUCKED HER .

GRANDMA'S VAGINA

THE QUESTION IS NOT..."WHAT DOES YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S VAGINA LOOK LIKE ???"...THE QUESTION IS..."HOW DO YOU KNOW ??? "

CHICKENING OUT

CHICKENING OUT...THE NEW COURAGE !!!

MOTHER SEX

I AM GLAD MY MOTHER ISN'T YOUR MOTHER...BECAUSE I HAD SEX WITH YOUR MOTHER .

DREAMS

WHAT I LIKE ABOUT DREAMS...IS THAT I CAN DRIVE REALLY FUCKING DRUNK .

COMING THIS SUMMER...

coming this summer...JOHNNY CAPITALIST AND THE PIGS !!!

MACA...KING OF FERTILITY

MACA IS GREAT FOR SEXUAL ENHANCEMENT...NICKNAMES...MACA-BATION...AND...MACA WACKA !!!OH , YES...AND MACA-CATION MACING-OFF... : )

YOU WOULD HAVE TO BE A SARGENT...AT LEAST...

THIS FELLOW ASKED ME IF I HAD EVER SHAVED MY PRIVATES...I RESPONDED..." FUCK ,NO...I WAS NEVER EVEN IN THE ARMED FORCES" .

DESERT ISLAND

IF I WERE STRANDED ON A DESERT ISLAND AND COULD ONLY HAVE ONE BOOK TO READ...IT WOULD BE..."HOW TO GET OFF A FUCKING DESERT ISLAND " .

BANANA THEOLOGY

THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF MONKEYS IN THIS WORLD...THE KIND WHO GOOSE THEMSELVES WITH THEIR BANANAS AND THE KIND WHO DO BUT LIE ABOUT IT .

ORAL SEX...AND BATS

THE BATS DISCOVERED ORAL SEX...NOW THERE ARE NO BATS...THEY SUCKED EACH OTHER TO EXTINCTION .

FUCK-EYES RETURNS

coming soon...THE RETURN OF A HORSE NAMED FUCK-EYES .

MY KID...

IF MY KID LOOKS LIKE A PIG...THEN HOW COME HE DOESN'T SAY "OINK " ???

FUCK-EYES...

coming soon to a theater near you...A HORSE NAMED FUCK-EYES .

SHIT...

DON'T TAPE YOUR LIFE TOGETHER WITH SHIT .

THE HOCKEY PLAYER

THEY INTERVIEWED THE STAR HOCKEY PLAYER AT THE END OF THE GAME...ALL HE COULD SAY WAS..." I AM GOD " .

CHURCH BROWNIES

I LEFT THE CHURCH OVER THE BROWNIES...I REPLACED THEM WITH SHIT AND TOOK THEM HOME .

"WHY" , YOU ASK ???

"THEY WERE GOOD"...THAT'S WHY !!!

THE NEWLY REVISED EDITION OF THE BIBLE

"NOT ONLY IS YOUR FLOOR MADE OUT OF SAND...BUT YOUR CEILING IS MADE OUT OF SHIT "...JESUS SAID TO THE PENCIL-DICKS .

CONFUSION

PEOPLE SEEM CONFUSED ABOUT THEIR CONFUSION .

DRAGON FLIES...

SHOWS YOU WHAT I KNOW ABOUT 55 FOOT DRAGON FLIES .

...PASS THE MUSTARD...

OF COURSE YOUR MOTHER IS A BITCH...NOW PASS THE MUSTARD .

THE OLD DAYS...

ACROSS FROM THIS COFFEE SHOP...( WHERE I AM WRITING )...THERE IS A HAIR SOLON...IN MY TEENS...I PLAYED PINBALL THERE...HOW I WAITED FOR  THE ELDERLY LADIES TO HAVE THEIR TIT HAIR TRIMMED .

JOHNNY CACKS...

appearing tomorrow night...JOHNNY CACKS AND THE SUCKERS .

haircut...

what do you mean...what am i going to do about it...the same thing i do to everyone who has a haircut i don't like...NOT A FUCKING THING .

FROGS...

GETTING YOUR PENIS SUCKED BY YOUR GIRLFRIEND...IS THE SAME AS 5 EXPLODING FROGS .

SCREWING...

MOST GUYS I KNOW WOULD FORGET THEIR HEAD IF IT WEREN'T SCREWED ON...AND THEY WOULD FORGET THEIR WIVES IF THEY COULDN'T SCREW THEM ON TOO .

IN THE FOOD COURT...

BRISBANE , AUSTRALIA...THIS FELLOW WAS EATING AT A FOOD COURT...HE SEEMED TO BE IGNORING HIS DESSERT...I ASKED HIM FOR IT...HE GAVE IT TO ME...IT WAS DELICIOUS .

CALLING ALL SCIENTISTS...

A TURD IS LIKE A SOLAR SYSTEM...AND A SHIT IS LIKE A GALAXY...RIGHT ??? ( IF YOU ARE A SCIENTIST...PLEASE WRITE ME AND LET ME KNOW ) .

GOD'S HARD-ON .

MAYBE THE UNIVERSE IS GOD'S HARD-ON .

THE LINE...

WHERE IS THIS FUCKING LINE ??? AND HOW DO WE GO ABOUT IGNORING IT ???

COWS...

NEW BREED OF COWS...BLACK...WHITE...THEN COMPLETELY BLACK AGAIN .

SASQUATCH DEBATE...

I WONDER IF SASQUATCH DEBATE THE EXISTENCE OF PEOPLE ???

OCTO...

ANYONE WHO NAMES THEIR PET OCTOPUS...OCTO...IS A DICK .

ITALIAN MASTIFF

HOLY SHIT...HAS ANYONE EVER HEARD OF AN ITALIAN MASTIFF ??? IT'S LIKE A PIT BULL ON STEROIDS .

GRACE ,TOO...JANUARY 9 - 11 1996

MERCY IS WHAT WE TALK ABOUT...AS WE WATCH THE SHITHAWK SOAR THROUGH THE MIDNIGHT SKY.

ORGASM PER DAY

THIS FELLOW THOUGHT IT WAS WRONG TO HAVE AN ORGASM EVERY DAY...SO HE INVENTED A MACHINE TO SKIP HALF THE DAYS OF HIS LIFE...IT WORKED...BUT HE DIED AT AGE 34 .

THE HARD WAY...

THERE IS A LITTLE GIRL IN FRONT OF ME...SHE HAS A SHITTY HAIRCUT...I WILL SAY NOTHING...I LEARNED THAT ONE THE HARD WAY .

GROWING OLD...

GROWING OLD...EVERYTHING SAGS BUT YOUR DICK .

ODE TO A HAM...

every ham needs a PIG...and every dog needs a SWEATER .

FAVORITE WORD...

MY FAVORITE WORD IS FUCT...AS IN...GO FUCT YOURSELF .

SCIENCE AND POCKET PUSSY

EVERY TIME I LOOK AT MY STATE OF THE ART , SPACE RUBBER POCKET PUSSY...I THANK GOD FOR SCIENCE .

FUCK OFF

why don't you just tell  everyone to FUCK OFF ??? someone's gotta listen .

THE COFFEE SHOP...

THERE IS ONE PERSON IN THIS COFFEE SHOP...AND HE IS SITTING IN MY FUCKING SEAT .

COOKIE JAR

SOMEBODY BOUGHT ME A COOKIE JAR...WHICH MEANS I CANNOT GIVE YOU COOKIES ANYMORE...THEY ARE ALL MINE...FOR MY JAR .

SASQUATCH

SOMEWHERE IN THE MOUNTAINS...THERE ARE FOUR OR FIVE SASQUATCH...DEBATING WEATHER OR NOT HUMANS EXIST .

12

I LEARNED TO COUNT TO 12...BECAUSE MY SISTER HAD 12 PERIODS  A YEAR .

ASSHOLES FOR EARS...

my new book...a commentary on this generation...i am calling it...ASSHOLES FOR EARS .

WHITE AND MILK...

SHITTY ATTITUDES TO LIFE...ARE WHAT WHITE IS TO MILK .

TOILET...

NEVER MARRY ANYONE WHO THINKS IT'S FUNNY TO PUSH OVER A PORTABLE TOILET .

ENJOYING MASTURBATION MORE THAN SEX...COMES IN HANDY .

THE MAGIC BULLET

I ONCE SHOT A CHICKEN...BLEW ALL ITS FEATHERS OFF...AND IT REMAINED ALIVE .

T.V.

IF YOU COULD ONLY SEE THIS STUPID SHIT THAT GOD IS MAKING ME WATCH ON T.V...GEE WIZZ .

IDIOTS...

MAYBE WE SHOULD INBREED UNTIL WE ALL BECOME IDIOTS...THEN WE CAN LIVE IN PEACE AGAIN .

BLOW OUT SALE...

A BLOW OUT SALE IS ONLY A BLOW OUT SALE...IF THEY HAVE THE SHIT YOU ARE LOOKING FOR .

THE FLOOD...

INSTEAD OF A PLAGUE OR  A FLOOD...WHY DOESN'T MOTHER NATURE JUST LOWER OUR SPERM COUNT ???

BRAIN TUMORS...

BRAIN TUMORS SHOULD MAKE US HAPPY...AND GIVE US GREAT ORGASMS .

ICE CREAM

SOMEWHERE RIGHT NOW...SOMEONE IS SCREWING A BUCKET OF BUTTERSCOTCH RIPPLE ICE CREAM .

BRAIN TUMORS...

WHY CAN'T BRAIN TUMORS MAKE US HAPPY ???

SHIT KICKING...

NOTHING LIKE A GOOD OLD FASHION SHIT KICKING TO GET THE BALLS ROLLING IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION .

TWO SEXUAL PROFILES...

THERE ARE TWO SEXUAL PROFILES...LEGAL AND ILLEGAL .

LET'S GET...

LET'S GET THE GAY THING STRAIGHT .

THINKING...

THINKING FOR YOURSELF IS LIKE SCREWING YOUR GIRLFRIEND...IF YOU DON'T DO IT ...SOMEONE ELSE WILL .

YETI OR NOT

what does a sasquatch say when he is playing hide and seek ??? YETI OR NOT...I'M COMING .

TESTICLES...

TESTICLES...ARE LIKE PRIZE FIGHTERS...THEY GET LICKED .

THE PHONE

MY PHONE IS BROKEN...EVERY TIME I ANSWER IT...THERE IS AN IDIOT ON THE OTHER END .

THE CLOSET .

BEFORE YOU COME OUT OF THE CLOSET...REMEMBER WHY YOU WERE THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE .

THE TRUTH

ON YOUR WAY TO FINDING THE TRUTH...HOW MANY LIES DID YOU TELL ???

THE MEEK...

THE MEEK WILL INHERIT THE EARTH...EITHER THAT...OR COCKROACHES .

THE HOUSE

HE BUILT HIS LOVER A BEAUTIFUL HOUSE...THEN HE LOCKED HER IN THE BASEMENT .

THE SHELL AND THE BUG

FUCK , I HATE CARRYING MY SHELL , said one bug to the other bugs...so they helped him take it off...then they ate him .

THE TIGER

ONE MOTHER GAVE HER SON A POUND OF HAMBURGER FOR HIS BIRTHDAY...THE OTHER GAVE HER SON...A BEAUTIFUL TIGER...WHO ATE HIM .

THE TEDDY BEAR

ONCE THERE WAS A LITTLE BOY...WHO HELD ON TO HIS TEDDY BEAR SO TIGHTLY...SHIT CAME OUT OF ITS EARS .

PARALLEL UNIVERSE...

IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE...THE CATHOLIC CHURCH...FLOGGED PEOPLE FOR NOT MASTURBATING ENOUGH .

SUING GOD

I DREAMED THAT WE DISCOVERED THAT THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE WAS SITTING UPON A LADIES NIPPLE...SO THE RELIGIOUS SUED GOD OVER SOME TYPE OF PORNO THING .

ELECTRIC EEL

I DREAMED THERE WAS AN ELECTRIC EEL IN MY CRAPPER....HE TOLD ME THAT HE WOULDN'T STING ME...IF I LIT HIS JOINT FOR HIM .

HOUSE WARMING...

I WAS INVITED TO A HOUSE WARMING PARTY...SO I BURNED THE PLACE TO THE GROUND .

DON'T DO IT...

IF YOU DON'T DO IT...THEN YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY WHERE IT GOES .

VIBRATORS...

I HAVE MADE MY FORTUNE...SELLING NAMES FOR VIBRATORS .

TRY NEW THINGS...

TRY NEW THINGS...YOU KNOW...LIKE ROBBING A BANK .

SHIT FIGHT

WHY DID JESUS NEVER GET IN A SHIT FIGHT ??? HE DIDN'T WANT TO GET SHIT ALL OVER HIM...( WHY IS THIS SO COMPLICATED ) .

the joy of sex...

i bought the book...THE JOY OF SEX...and i screwed the shit right out of it .

THE IDIOT

THE IDIOT DIDN'T WANT TO BE AN IDIOT ANY MORE...SO HE SURROUNDED HIMSELF WITH BIGGER IDIOTS .

FAVORITE MOVIE

FAVORITE MOVIE : night of the day of the dawn of the vampires in the middle of the afternoon .

NEW RELIGION...

I HAVE DECIDED TO START A NEW RELIGION...YOUR NAME CAN BE PACA-LAMA .

TITS

DID YOU EVER THINK GOD MADE TITS JUST FOR YOU ???

COMING THIS FALL...

COMING THIS FALL...ALIEN ERECTION !!!

BREAST MILK

IF THE WORLD KEEPS ON GOING LIKE IT IS...IN 10 YEARS...BREAST MILK WILL BE 50 % SUGAR .

THE GOOD SAMARITAN

ONCE IT WAS DISCOVERED THAT the good samaritan...WAS GAY...MOST JUST SIMPLY REFERRED TO HIM AS THE SAMARITAN .

THE LOVIN MAN...

ONCE A MAN WANTED TO BE THE MOST LOVING PERSON IN THE WORLD...SO HE KILLED EVERYONE .

PICTURES...

SOMETIMES UGLY PICTURES...ARE PAINTED WITH BEAUTIFUL BRUSHES .

...AND THIS IS FUNNY BECAUSE ???

THE SAME SNOW THAT HIDES THE EVIDENCE...PRESERVES IT AS WELL .

RELIGION...

THE BEST THING ABOUT RELIGION...IS GETTING TO BEAT YOURSELF . 

WITH A FUCK-A-DOODLE-DO...

WITH A FUCK-A-DOODLE-DO...EVERYTHING CAN BE CHANGED .

ORAL SEX

THE MINISTER TOLD THE CONGREGATION NOT TO HAVE ORAL SEX...THEN HE DEMONSTRATED WHAT IT WAS THEY SHOULD NOT DO .

ADVICE...

THE BETTER THE ADVICE...THE LESS LIKELY IT WILL BE TAKEN .

IT

...AS LONG AS YOU ARE HAPPY WITH IT...I MEAN HER .

FREEDOM

THERE CAN BE FREEDOM FOUND IN EVERY JAIL...ESPECIALLY IF THE DOOR IS LEFT OPEN AND THE GUARDS HAVE GONE HOME .

TAKING...

DON'T FORGET TO TAKE MORE THAN YOU NEED...IF YOUR INDULGENCE IS NOT LIKE A CANCER...THEN IT DOESN'T COUNT .

do you...

do you know what is cool ??? a sasquatch with a pet dragon .

BIGFOOT

THE QUESTION IS...WHAT IS BIGFOOT ??? MY GUESS...A BAPTIST .

ABOUT LAST NIGHT

HOW IN THE FUCK SHOULD I KNOW WHAT I ATE LAST NIGHT ??? WHO DO I LOOK LIKE , EINSTEIN ???

LIQUOR STORES...

LIQUOR STORES USED TO LOOK LIKE JAILS...NOW THEY LOOK LIKE INSIDE A U.F.O...CHURCHES USED TO LOOK LIKE HAUNTED HOUSES...NOW THEY LOOK LIKE...WELL...HAUNTED HOUSES...BESIDES THE MODERN ONES...WHICH , IN FACT...ARE HAUNTED HOUSES .

DICK SHIT

DON'T TAKE SHIT OFF OF ANY DICK .

...RIDING HOOD

LITTLE RED RIDING=HOOD...SAYS THE " LITTLE " THING IS A REFERENCE TO HER TITS...GOING TO COURT...AND SUE THE FUCK OUT OF SOMEONE.

HEY LADY...

HEY , LADY...YOU DROPPED YOUR SATANIC BIBLE .

A TUNA...

A TUNA IS NOT A FISH...IT IS A SALAD .

DUCK

IF YOU WERE TO DISCOVER THAT EVERYONE IN THE WORLD , BESIDES YOU...WAS A DUCK...WOULD YOU BE SURPRISED ???

SCARY MONSTERS

I WONDER IF SCARY MONSTERS GAZE UPON A BEAUTIFUL SUMMER NIGHT SKY ??? 

ANAL SEX ROOSTER...

A ROOSTER WHO HAS ANAL SEX...IS CALLED A COCK-A-DOODLE-POO .

A NEW BUCKET

WHAT IS ON MY BUCKET LIST ??? A NEW BUCKET .

A PERSON'S VALUE...

NEVER MEASURE A PERSON'S VALUE BY WHAT THEY CAN DO FOR YOU...UNLESS THEY ACTUALLY CAN DO SOMETHING FOR YOU .

AUTOBIOGRAPHY

I TRIED TO READ THIS AUTOBIOGRAPHY ABOUT THIS GUY...BUT THE FUCKER WOULDN'T STOP TALKING ABOUT HIMSELF .

the whore of babylon

Stu Strang ‏@StrangStu

THE WHORE OF BABYLON IS OPENING UP A HAMBURGER JOINT .

MORE ON THE WHORE

THE WHORE OF BABYLON HAS HER OWN T.V. MINISTRY .

WHORE OF BABYLON...

I REMEMBER WHEN I WAS SEVEN YOURS OLD...AND MY FATHER SAT ME DOWN AND TOLD ME THAT THE WHORE OF BABYLON...WAS JUST A SLUT .

HOW TO TREAT PEOPLE...

MOST PEOPLE TREAT OTHERS WELL...WHEN THEY ARE TOO STUPID TO KNOW HOW TO MANIPULATE THEM .

LUCKY 18

18 TIMES I PROPOSED IN A SHOPPING MALL...AND 18 TIMES THEY SAID...NO...KICKED ME...AND WALKED AWAY...GUESS 18 IS MY LUCKY NUMBER .

POODLES...

HOW DID POODLES SURVIVE THE ICE AGE ??? EASY...THEY SOLD POODLE SHIT TO THE CAVEMEN FOR BLANKETS .

HUMAN SACRIFICE...

DON'T SKIMP ON YOUR HUMAN SACRIFICE...YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO THE CROPS LAST YEAR .

...AMONGST FRIENDS...

WHAT IS A PATERNITY SUIT AMONGST FRIENDS ???  

CLIMBING...

THE HIGHER YOU CLIMB...THE MORE YOUR HEART SOARS AND YOUR FINGERS BLEED .

REPRESSED SEXUAL ENERGY...

REPRESSED SEXUAL ENERGY...THE ESSENCE OF MANY GREAT RELIGIONS .

GAY RALPH RETURNS...

GAY RALPH RETURNS...AND HE HAS BROUGHT A DILL-DO...BUT NOBODY KNOWS WHAT FOR .

FEMALE YETI...

IF YOU ARE ATTACKED BY A FEMALE YETI...RUN DOWN HILL .

THE IDIOT

IF YOU HAVE A FRIEND WHO IS AN IDIOT...DON'T BE SURPRISED IF THEY ACT IDIOTIC .

ROCK STAR

I REMEMBER MEETING THIS ROCK STAR...I TOOK ONE OF HIS FLEAS HOME AS A SOUVENIR .

ASS HOLES

I WONDER HOW JESUS FELT WHEN HE DISCOVERED MOST OF THE PEOPLE HE RAISED FROM THE DEAD...WERE ASS HOLES .

ARE YOU TIRED OF ONLINE DATING ???

ARE YOU TIRED OF ONLINE DATING ??? I AM...ESPECIALLY CLEANING UP THE MESS .

SASQUATCH GOOSING

I CANNOT TELL A LIE...I GOOSED A SASQUATCH .

GAY RALPH

IT WAS NOT THAT RALPH WAS GAY...IT WAS JUST THAT EVERY HUMAN IN THE WORLD WAS A LITTLE SISSY GIRL COMPARED TO HOW MACHO HE WAS...SO HE SCREWED THEM ALL .

LIFE IS A LIE

IF YOUR LIFE IS A LIE...TELL THE TRUTH ABOUT IT .

CAT POPE

AGAINST ALL ODDS..MY CAT WILL BE THE NEXT POPE .

VIRGIN

I KNEW THIS GUY WHO FIGURED HE WAS STILL A VIRGIN...IF HE CLOSED HIS EYES WHILE "DOING IT"...I SAID..." SURE , WHY NOT???  WHO CARES ??? " .

THEOLOGIANS

THE GOOD THING ABOUT TALKING TO THEOLOGIANS...IS THAT THEY DON'T HAVE A FUCKING CLUE WHAT THEY ARE TALKING ABOUT...OR IS THAT THE BAD THING ??? HARD TO SAY ACTUALLY .

THE LAST SUPPER

WHAT WAS THE MEAL AT THE LAST SUPPER ??? PIZZA OR FISH AND CHIPS ???

CITY CHAMPIONSHIP

IT SEEMED LIKE A SURE THING THAT THE ALLIGATORS WOULD WIN THE CITY CHAMPIONSHIP...UNTIL THEY WERE EATEN BY THEIR MASCOT .

JOB AT LIQUOR STORE...

IF YOU EVER APPLY FOR A JOB AT THE LIQUOR STORE...DON'T PUT " DRUNK" ON YOUR RESUME .

FUCK EYES

WHEN I WAS 8 YEARS OLD...TO MY SURPRISE...I FOUND OUT MY NAME...WAS NOT FUCK-EYES...

CAT AND BABOON...

HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF YOUR CAT...( OR BABOON )...WAS MADE POPE ???

street dogs...

dogs fuck on the middle of the street...just to teach us humility .

TALKING CAT

THE CAT SAID HE COULDN'T TALK...AND EVERYONE BELIEVED HIM .

BUTCHERING YOUR MOTHER...

ONE GOOSE SAYS TO THE OTHER..." YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND...I BUTCHERED YOUR MOTHER BECAUSE I DIDN'T HAVE A REASON...I WOULD NEVER BUTCHER SOMEONE FOR A REASON ".

DISTANT PLANET

MEANWHILE...ON A DISTANT PLANET...THE NUDEST AND THE NAKEDESTS...WAGE A VIOLENT WAR AGAINST EACH OTHER .

ENLIGHTENMENT

THE PATH OF ENLIGHTENMENT...NEEDS A LOT OF ALCOHOL .

TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE...

WHAT DO YOU MEAN..." TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE"...WHO DO YOU THINK I AM ??? JOB ???

HOW TO IMPRESS A GIRL...

THE BEST WAY TO IMPRESS A GIRL...IS TO BURN DOWN HER FATHERS HOUSE...AND SCREW HER SISTER .

PROSTITUTES

I THINK PROSTITUTES SHOULD BE REFERRED TO AS SLUT-OLOGESTS .

MAGIC HAIR...

I JUST THOUGHT YOU SHOULD KNOW...I HAVE A HAIR PAINTED ON MY CEILING .

CHEATING WIFE...

IF MY WIFE CHEATS ON ME...SHE HAS TO FEED THE GOLDFISH FOR THE NEXT WEEK .

SEX ENGINEERS...

I THINK PROSTITUTES SHOULD BE REFERRED TO AS SEX ENGINEERS .

BEFORE TENNIS...

BEFORE I PLAY TENNIS...I ALWAYS HAVE A VASECTOMY .

SLUTTY CRABS...

I WONDER IF SLUTTY CRABS...EVER GET A CASE OF THE PEOPLES .

UNCOMFORTABLR SILENCE

UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCE...MAKES SOME PEOPLE HORNY .

THE VILLAGE IDIOT...

THE VILLAGE HERO...LIVES EXACTLY ONE FART AWAY FROM THE VILLAGE IDIOT .

MISPLACED YOUTH...

BETTER TO MISPLACE YOUR YOUTH...THAN YOUR BALLS .

MEANING OF LIFE...

YOU JUST DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT LIFE....UNTIL YOU FILL UP YOUR COFFEE CARD FOR THE FIRST TIME .

FREEDOM...

YOU CAN HAVE FREEDOM...EVEN IN JAIL....ESPECIALLY IF THE DOOR IS LEFT OPEN AND THE GUARD IS ASLEEP .

SHIT...

WHEN THEY SPEAK GOOD SHIT ABOUT YOU...REMEMBER...IT IS STILL SHIT .

NEVER TRUST...

NEVER TRUST A CLERGYMAN WHO DOESN'T DRINK...IT MEANS HE ISN'T DOING HIS JOB .

POLITICAL CORRECT...

BE POLITICALLY CORRECT...THOSE WHO AREN'T...ARE RETARDED .

SNAKE HANDLING CHURCH

WOULDN'T IT BE WEIRD IF THE " SNAKE HANDLING CHURCH"...CONSIDERED MASTURBATION TO BE A SIN ???

CAT-HEAD

IT WAS FUCKED UP WATCHING THE MAN WALK DOWN THE STREET WITH A CAT ON HIS HEAD...BECAUSE THE CAT DIDN'T MATCH AT ALL .

THE WHORE HOUSE...

THE WHORE HOUSE IS JUST DOING WHAT IT SUPPOSED TO BE DOING .

VAMPIRE BAT

A VAMPIRE BAT MAY SUCK YOUR BLOOD...BUT GUESS WHAT A FRUIT BAT SUCKS ???

STUPID FUCKING MARRIAGE...

I WILL NOT JUDGE YOUR STUPID FUCKING MARRIAGE .

THE MANSON FAMILY

new situation comedy...THE MANSON FAMILY...coming this fall .

TOILET PAPER...

TOILET PAPER...APPLY DIRECTLY TO ASS .

OUR GREATEST PRESIDENT...EMBELLISHED

IF YOU WANT TO TEST A MANS CHARACTER GIVE HIM POWER*...IF YOU WANT TO TEST HIS ABILITY TO SMILE...GIVE HIM A BLOW JOB .

*ABRAHAM L.

ME AND MY BALL...

ME AND MY BALL ARE GOING HOME...AND I AIN'T GOT NO FUCKING BALL .

BILL'S TOILET PAPER...

BILL'S TOILET PAPER...JUST ASK YOUR ASS HOLE WHO MAKES THE BEST TOILET PAPER .

SHUT THE FUCK UP...

IT'S NICE SEEING KIDS YOUR AGE HAVING A GOOD TIME...NOW SHUT THE FUCK UP .

HERO...

IF A HERO DOESN'T HAVE A VILLAIN...THEN HE WILL PROBABLY JUST GO BACK TO HIS DRUGS OR HIS PORN .

pregnancy

increase your chances of pregnancy...stick it in the right hole .

CLERGYMAN DOING WEIRD SHIT...

IF YOU ARE SURPRISED THAT YOUR CLERGYMAN GOT CAUGHT DOING SOME REALLY WEIRD SHIT...THEN YOU NEED YOUR HEAD EXAMINED .

STUPID FUCKING VALUES...

I WOULD NEVER QUESTION YOUR STUPID , FUCKING VALUES .

RELIGION...

RELIGION IS LIKE LYNARD SKYNARD...AFTER THE PLANE CRASH .

GODZILLA PORN...

WHAT THE WORLD NEEDS IS A GOOD GODZILLA PORNO MOVIE .

hitler's dick...

my theory is that if hitler's dick had been two inches longer...there would have been no war .

your shit...

your shit has no handles...so let it go .

ICE CREAM...

THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF ICE CREAM...HARD AS A DICK AND SOFT LIKE A PENIS .

PET SQUIRREL...

...BUT I DID TAKE CARE OF YOUR PET SQUIRREL WHILE YOU WERE AWAY...I PRAYED EVERYDAY THAT SOMEONE WOULD FEED IT .

JUDGEMENT...

GOD HAS GIVEN US EACH OTHER...TO JUDGE .

finding myself...

i went on a big foot expedition...and i found myself .

DON'T BLAME THE CIGARETTE...

DON'T BLAME THE CIGARETTE...IT WAS THE CANCER THAT KILLED HIM .

SAM THE SPERM

SAM THE SPERM SPENT HIS ENTIRE LIFE BEING TERRIFIED OF BEING SHOT ONTO THE CEILING .

ENDANGERED SPECIES...

THE ENDANGERED SPECIES I SUPPORT...IS THE PIGEON...BECAUSE WHO WANTS TO SUPPORT A LOSER .

HUMAN BEHAVIOR

THE MOST UNNATURAL PART ABOUT HUMAN BEHAVIOR...IS HOW PEOPLE REACT TO IT .

PICK-UP LINE...

FAVORITE PIC-UP LINE..." WHAT IS THAT BIG FAT ASS OF YOURS DOING TONIGHT ??? "

BULL RING

IF YOU PUT A BULL RING IN YOUR PENIS...MAKE SURE THE BULL IS NOT ATTACHED .

LITTLE RED RIDING-HOOD

THE TRUTH IS LITTLE RED-RIDING-HOOD WAS INTO SCREWING WOLVES...THE REST OF THE STORY IS JUST A COVER-UP .

GRANDMA AND DYLAN

MY GRANDMOTHER NEVER LIKED BOB DYLAN...BUT I AM SURE HE GOT OVER IT .

WONDERFUL EYES

ME SAYS TO DA YOUNG LADY...ME SAYS..." YA GOT WONDERFUL EYES...WHERE DID YA GET 'EM ??? "

I NEVER MET A SHRINK...

I NEVER MET A SHRINK...THAT DIDN'T NEED ONE .

SPACE TURD...

I REMEMBER THE TIME I HAD A SHIT IN OUTER SPACE...AND THE GOVERNMENT GAVE ME A MEDAL .

WIFE SWAPPING

THE BEST WAY TO AVOID WIFE SWAPPING...IS TO DON'T GET A WIFE TO SWAP .

devil worship...

i am not trying to be negative...i  just think you worship the devil .

utah

i wonder if sports players who play for " utah "...get suspended for masturbating ???

war in middle east...

whoever wins the war in the middle east...should get to play "the mormons" in the next round .

stupid people...

did you ever wonder why stupid people buy smart dogs ???

...firing squad...

the only difference between a 21 gun salute and a firing squad...is a 45 degree angle .

ann of green gables...

ann of green gables may have been born in p .e .i...but she learned to do micheal jackson's moonwalk...in good old halifax , nova scotia .

like a son...

when i say "you are like a son to me"...what i mean is...my son is an idiot .

church earthquake

as everyone in church sat and prayed for peace and tranquility...an earthquake swallowed them all up .

loch ness monster...

there is so much we can learn about the loch ness monster...like does he taste better with garlic or pepper .

the girl was very upset...

the girl was very upset when her boyfriend broke up with her...and even more upset when he sent her a bill for sexual favors .

...IF MOLESTED BY A YETI...WHAT ELSE SHOULD YOU NOT DO ???

2-GIVE HIM A TARANTULA INFESTED BANANA .

HINTS , IF YOU ARE EVER MOLESTED BY A YETI

1-DON'T LAUGH AT THE SIZE OF HIS PENIS .

my panther got diarrhea...

my panther got diarrhea...anyone got a hammer and a cork ???

great men...

behind every great man...there is a great women...and that's why there are no great men .

jimi hendrex...

i met a guy who saw jimi hendrex'x last concert...and get this...he said it was good .

what is a country ???

a country is no better than its sperm .

whore of babylon

the bible would have sold a lot better if "the whore of babylon"... hadn't been reduced to a supporting role .

keep out of reach...

keep out of reach of children...and idiot adults .

big foot

...so i die...go to heaven...and the first thing god says to me..." how did that fucking big foot expedition go ??? " 

married people...

what does a married couple have in common to keep them together ??? they don't like kids .

the penis knows...

The penis knows only one button...and it is not a button .

pock pussy wars

a long time ago...in a galaxy far , far away...an evil emperor confiscated all the pocket pussies .

earthquake...

they were praying to get to know god better at church...when suddenly...an earthquake swallowed them all up .

2100

the year is 2100...we judge each other by the length of our turds...nobody knows how we got to that place...we just did .

frienamy...

are you my enemy ??? or my friend ??? or my frienamy ???

sexual stuff...

my girlfriend was very upset when i sent her a bill for all the sexual stuff we did...so i gave her a 10 % discount .

becoming a man...

you are not a man...until you can make your vagina whistle "the star spangled banner" .

mating sasquatch...

if you ever get to watch sasquatch mate...that makes you a unique and special person...but god only knows why .

THE POPE...

UNTIL THE POPE STANDS IN FRONT OF THE VATICAN CITY AND DECLARES THAT "POCKET PUSSY" IS THE GREATEST THING THIS "VATICAN 2" ALLOWED PEOPLE TO READ THE BIBLE IN ENGLISH...COUNT ME THE FUCK OUT .

ME CACK

ME CACK DON'T WORK LIKE IT USED TO...BUT THAT'S O.K...PEOPLE CAN GO FUCK THEMSELVES .

murder 101...

I ASKED MY FATHER IF HE WAS GOING TO MURDER ME...HE SAID THAT IF I EVER SAID SOMETHING SO STUPID AGAIN...HE WOULD CHOP OFF MY HEAD .

CLEANING AN ASS...

IT IS EASIER TO CLEAN AN ASS THAN IT IS TO CLEAN A HEART .

eyes

tell her she has beautiful eyes...sure....but never ask her where she got them .

horse with one leg...

i bet on the horse with one leg...because he had passion in his eyes .

rest in peace

walking through the graveyard...i couldn't help but notice how many people were named "rest in peace" .

oral sex

I dreamed that every time I went to have oral sex with my wife...her mouth fell off .

peaceful demonstration...

there is nothing more violent than a peaceful demonstration .

the world...

the world is a wonderful place...or not .

when i see god...

when i see god...the first thing i will say is..." i fixed the lottery...but i did not steal the duck " .

resolve shit in middle east...

there is only one thing that can resolve all the violence in the middle east...mandatory compulsive masturbation .

mood for sex...

if your wife isn't in the mood for sex...just offer her 10 dollars .

my manager says...

my manager says...i don't make enough bull shit promises .

churches

i heard that over 100 churches close in canada every year...and you said there is no god ???

MY FAVORITE HOLY BOOK...

MY FAVORITE HOLY BOOK...HARRY POTTER

bugs bunny...

IS BUGS BUNNY A MAJOR OR MINOR PROPHET ???

sex before marriage

the minister said that he doesn't believe in
sex before marriage...strange...i thought it
 happened all the time .

the idiots

lord...forgive me for calling those idiots...idiots .

happy birthday

happy birthday...you little slut .

civilized...

the mark of a truly civilized society...everyone lies to each other using very long words .

screwing tigers...

a boyfriend got very jealous when i referred to his girlfriend as "little tiger"...i guess he knew of my history of fucking tigers .

turtles...

turtles get reincarnated...as soup .

happy father's day

you may be an ass hole...but at least i got a big dick out of the deal .

elevator blues

do you know what kind of people hold the elevator open for themselves as long as so desire ??? the kind who think nobody is looking .

cutting off your feet...

if you didn't want someone to take your socks...then why did you cut off your feet ???

socks for your ass...

my new invention...socks for your ass .

girl stimulates in between...

i knew this girl that wasn't very stimulating drunk or sober...but she sure was stimulating in between .

werewolves in church...

it was a great church service...but what were the werewolves doing smoking dope behind the organ ???

anger management...

i bought my father a book on anger management...he beat the shit out of me . 

misplaced stuff...

better to misplace your youth than your nuts .

shit-eater

i was tired of seeing teenagers rebel for no particular reason...so i named my boy...SHIT-EATER .

adultery...

my wife told me she was going to commit adultery...i told her..."good...you need the practice " .

olympic dog paddling...

olympic dog paddling...probably should not have been referred to as doggie style .

misplaced nuts...

better to misplace your heart than your nuts .

the devil

next time you feel compelled to say to someone..."you look like the devil"...remember...the devil has feelings too .

hissing and scratching...

MY POCKET PUSSY HISSED AT AND SCRATCHED MY DOG .

your place in heaven...

Your place in Heaven will be determined by how many free coffees you earn at your local coffee shop .

oral sex...

One amoeba says to the other...i'll tell you why we can't  have oral sex...i don't have a fucking mouth , that's why .

the ass hole of ignorance...

the ass hole of ignorance and rage will surely be licked by the tongue of fearfulness and despair .

don't lick the ass of the bear of self righteousness...

Do not lick the ass of the bear of self righteousness...nor goose the swan of arrogance .

sucking the cock of the sea bass of self righteousness ...

so they all gathered around the campfire...and bill said..." that was fires burning...and now for my next number...sucking the cock of the sea bass of self righteousness " .

ameoba

One amoeba says to the other...i'll tell you why we can't  have oral sex...i don't have a fucking mouth , that's why .

beat yourself...

i don't go to church...because there is a far better way to beat yourself .

amoeba and oral sex...

One amoeba says to the other...i'll tell you why we can't  have oral sex...i don't have a fucking mouth , that's why .

one boa constrictor...

one boa constrictor says to the other.."you swallowed the priest ??? doesn't that religious shit fuck up your digestive system ??? ""

the loch ness monster

it doesn't matter if we believe in the loch ness monster...what really matters is that he believes in himself

meat lovers pizza

they didn't have a meat lovers pizza...so i bought one with salami...pepperoni...ham...hamburger and bacon instead . 

the truth will...

the truth will set you free...right after it kicks you in the nuts .

shit-ology

i hate shit...but i love turds.

chicken...

before you think that chicken is great...try to fuck one .

soul for a bowl of soup

not only did what's-his-face sell his soul for a bowl of soup...but someone pisses in the soup as well .

never betray...

Never betray someone who loves you . You know , unless you get at least 10 dollars .

turtle soup

i believe people have a second life...so do turtles...it's called soup .

gay cricket players...

i think i might write an opera concerning arachnophobia among gay cricket players .

marriage

the best way to make your marriage work...pretend it is not happening .

the old lady...

the old lady was pleased when i opened the door for her...and equally as unpleased when i charged her a five dollar fee .

brilliant

you know you are brilliant...when you think everyone is stupid .

drunken savage

DON'T YOU FIND IT WEIRD THAT THE SAME PEOPLE WHO DEMAND YOU DON'T DRINK...ARE THE ONES THAT CAN EASILY TURN YOU INTO A DRUNK  ???

paying this guy off...

...i payed this guy off to stop asking me for money .

genius...

they asked me..." do you think of yourself as a genius ??? "...i reply..." i screwed my teacher , if that means anything to you " .

angels

there are things about angels you don't know...you know...unless you know them .

the answer my friend / is blowing up your ass

do sharks have oral sex ???

tigers and boyfriends

a boyfriend was jealous when i referred to his girlfriend as ..." little tiger "...maybe he thought i like to screw tigers.

shit...

shit is a dish best served on wheels .

world peace

I dreamed that everyman was sterilized for a bottle of rum . Then the angel of God appeared and said : " world peace in 70 years " .

planet earth

maybe it takes god 60 000 of our years to smoke a joint...and when he is finished...and comes to his senses...BAM !!! no more humans !!!

where does wealth get you ???

alice cooper believes that jonah got swallowed by a whale...which is one of the benefits of being rich...you can believe any retarded thing you want and get away with it .

mcshithead...

willian mcshithead...never got elected to office .

cocaine

my favorite cocaine...is banana cocaine...cause it certainly works on monkeys .

dill-do and such

age 10 and 11 is a special time in life...a time when you very well may sit on santa's lap and ask him if you could become a dill-do for christmas .

fuck-off

god's new commandment...fuck-off .

mother fucking discovery

i discovered a species...or did the species discover me ???

johnny cash

the minks disguise of johnny cash would have worked but for one thing...they all knew that he was dead .

revolution...and fuck !!!

the only real revolution...is a drunk man in the bleachers...saying...where is my fucking poodle ??? and the choir goes silent...as the lizard slips his skin . 

there is a fine line...

there is a fine line between human rights and human sacrifice .

...pissing on a viking's face

never piss on a viking's face while he is sleeping.

loch ness monster...

what is the difference between the loch nest monster and your wife ??? the loch ness monster won't suck my dick .

he is dead...

he is dead...someone call the dr. , quick !!!

HAVE A NICE DAY...

what do you mean..."have a nice day" ???  don't tell me what to do !!!

bigfoot porno

did you ever wonder why bigfoot porno movies are kinda rare ???

adultery

when i was a kid...adultery was this thing terrible people did in the shadows...now it is a multimillion dollar institution...complete with dancing bunnies and shit like that .

dying while masturbating...

the thing you have to understand about masturbation...is that if you die doing in...they will never make a movie about your life .

murder and football

a football is just a football...until you murder someone with it...then it takes upon itself...special meaning .

sense of humor

the thing about the person who told me to never lose my sense of humor...is that they didn't have one to lose .

jesus and the masses and shit...

the more people think they are jesus...the less they act like him .