turtle soup

i believe people have a second life...so do turtles...it's called soup .

gay cricket players...

i think i might write an opera concerning arachnophobia among gay cricket players .

marriage

the best way to make your marriage work...pretend it is not happening .

the old lady...

the old lady was pleased when i opened the door for her...and equally as unpleased when i charged her a five dollar fee .

brilliant

you know you are brilliant...when you think everyone is stupid .

drunken savage

DON'T YOU FIND IT WEIRD THAT THE SAME PEOPLE WHO DEMAND YOU DON'T DRINK...ARE THE ONES THAT CAN EASILY TURN YOU INTO A DRUNK  ???

paying this guy off...

...i payed this guy off to stop asking me for money .

genius...

they asked me..." do you think of yourself as a genius ??? "...i reply..." i screwed my teacher , if that means anything to you " .

angels

there are things about angels you don't know...you know...unless you know them .

the answer my friend / is blowing up your ass

do sharks have oral sex ???

tigers and boyfriends

a boyfriend was jealous when i referred to his girlfriend as ..." little tiger "...maybe he thought i like to screw tigers.

shit...

shit is a dish best served on wheels .

world peace

I dreamed that everyman was sterilized for a bottle of rum . Then the angel of God appeared and said : " world peace in 70 years " .

planet earth

maybe it takes god 60 000 of our years to smoke a joint...and when he is finished...and comes to his senses...BAM !!! no more humans !!!

where does wealth get you ???

alice cooper believes that jonah got swallowed by a whale...which is one of the benefits of being rich...you can believe any retarded thing you want and get away with it .

mcshithead...

willian mcshithead...never got elected to office .

cocaine

my favorite cocaine...is banana cocaine...cause it certainly works on monkeys .

dill-do and such

age 10 and 11 is a special time in life...a time when you very well may sit on santa's lap and ask him if you could become a dill-do for christmas .

fuck-off

god's new commandment...fuck-off .

mother fucking discovery

i discovered a species...or did the species discover me ???

johnny cash

the minks disguise of johnny cash would have worked but for one thing...they all knew that he was dead .

revolution...and fuck !!!

the only real revolution...is a drunk man in the bleachers...saying...where is my fucking poodle ??? and the choir goes silent...as the lizard slips his skin . 

there is a fine line...

there is a fine line between human rights and human sacrifice .

...pissing on a viking's face

never piss on a viking's face while he is sleeping.

loch ness monster...

what is the difference between the loch nest monster and your wife ??? the loch ness monster won't suck my dick .

he is dead...

he is dead...someone call the dr. , quick !!!

HAVE A NICE DAY...

what do you mean..."have a nice day" ???  don't tell me what to do !!!

bigfoot porno

did you ever wonder why bigfoot porno movies are kinda rare ???

adultery

when i was a kid...adultery was this thing terrible people did in the shadows...now it is a multimillion dollar institution...complete with dancing bunnies and shit like that .

dying while masturbating...

the thing you have to understand about masturbation...is that if you die doing in...they will never make a movie about your life .

murder and football

a football is just a football...until you murder someone with it...then it takes upon itself...special meaning .

sense of humor

the thing about the person who told me to never lose my sense of humor...is that they didn't have one to lose .

jesus and the masses and shit...

the more people think they are jesus...the less they act like him .