fuck off...

fuck off...the new " i love you " .

...bad intentions .

circumcise the foreskin of your bad intentions .

ass hole...

once you save someones life...and they call you names...it really opens up your ass hole .

the rat in church...

last night i saw a rat run into a church...i hope they don't fuck him up too badly .

...what about the bats ???

do bats block the doorway at your church ???

measure your ejaculation...

measure your ejaculation by your smile and not the distance .

...bad days ahead for the yeti man...

if i were bigfoot...i would build a flying saucer and get the fuck out of here...you know , for obvious reasons .

IRONY...and a bear...

the irony is...from a certain perspective...if you fuck a bear...you will be a hero .

the simpsons

so the politician got in front of everyone
and gave this fucking speech
about a better tomorrow
and all this shit
...then came the question and answer
portion of the program
...this fellow says
and i quote :
"seriously
what would you rather be doing
speaking to us
or sitting at home
watching " the simpson's" ???
he scratched his ass
got out of his chair 
and walked out the door

...a bunch of kids...

this bunch of kids
were wearing pink shirts that read
" don't bully , be nice "
or something like that
anyway
it was all very sweet
until they took out their brass knuckles
their clubs
and other such stuff
and began to beat the shit
out of this little el-bino  fellow
probably gay and with a lisp
i would have helped
but my viagra was kicking in  

do the math...

if you have eleven..and you spend 13...you are two in shit...simple !!!

there was this cafe...

there was this cafe
across the street from where i lived
they would give me free breakfast at this cafe
thing is
i would have to adide by their dress coad
which was
pretty simple to abide by actually
a bath robe and a pair of slippers
that is it
no more
no less
and the breakfast was great

the lock ness monster...

And the boy declared 
"There is no fucking loch ness monster
and even if there is
i bet you he is 
a fag"

completely unaware
that just a few feet behind him
gazed two angry eyes .

welcome...

welcome to planet earth
we judge way too fast
and will fuck you up for no particular reason
but you will love
our pizza
and our
outdoor sports facilities

...this fellow i know...

this fellow i know
has given blood over 200 times
they have given him an award
a plaque of some sort or another
a celebration
all kinds of shit
thing is
for as long as i
have know him
he has pleaded with these people
to give him a sandwich
that is all he fucking wants

and he has never got one

before you blow up a planet...

before you blow up a planet
even if it is full of nothing but fuck-heads
remember
stay sober
it not only makes the decision
more justifiable
if the authorities decide not to mind
their own fucking business  
but it helps you to aim too
that is to say
why waste any gamma rays
if you don't have to ???  

does it concern you ???

does it concern you
that just about every fucking love song
written in the history
of our quaint little planet
has sweet fuck all to do with love
and a whole lot to do
with a shit-load of narcissistic little toads
getting their own fucking way ???

not going  anywhere with this
just a question    

the rooster...

the rooster never learned to say
"cock-a-doodle-do "
but he did learn to say
"that whore wife of yours
fucked the postman  again"
and that had its benefits too

the canine...

so the dog
had a crap on the floor
"golly-gee" i thought to myself
is this canine ever in trouble
nope , i was wrong
apparently the owner
had just bought a book
about using reverse psychology on animals

they cooked him up
three pounds of hamburger

humans...

as humans...it is our duty...to show as little gratitude as possible .

life is...

life is
what happens
in between
fucking
things up

my basketball league...

i started a basketball league
for lose women
i named it
"slut slammers" 
not to be confuse with my
basketball league for prostitutes
which i refer to as
"whore hoops"
anyway
all good fun    

jonah...

jonah may have been swallowed by a whale...but at least he remembered his pocket pussy .

earth...

earth :
i am not stupid enough
to buy into all this bullshit
apparently
i am not smart enough
to change it
so why in the fuck
did god put me down here
in the first place ???

pizza and beer , maybe

dream analysis...

there i am studying dream analysis
with a friend of mine
he tells me about this one dream
where he has a penis in his mouth
and his head is rocking back and forth
i tell him that it means
LIFE IS HARD
fuck , what else could i say
his wife was there

...life is hard...

there i am studying dream analysis
with a friend of mine
he tells me about this one dream
where he has a penis in his mouth
and his head is rocking back and forth
i tell him that it means
LIFE IS HARD
fuck , what else could i say
his wife was there

fucka yourself...

they named him "fucka"
his last name was "yourself"
the tribe never understood
the significance
thank god
anyway
his daughter grew up to be
a world famous slut

...so that was nice

...you would think...

you would think when people believe things
and they don't work out
they would start to believe
other things instead
however
what they do
is believe the same things harder

surely , this is a bad idea

...when people believe things...

you would think when people believe things
and they don't work out
they would start to believe
other things instead
however
what they do
is believe the same things harder

surely , this is a bad idea

your dog...

your dog will always understand you
never judge
sure as fuck never gossip
and certainly not use the newly acquired information 
as a source of power  
roughly translated
your dog loves you
and i am not saying your mother doesn't
but look at the fucking baggage
she comes with

dog 7 people no score
at the end of the first period  

crotch rut...

billy cock
and johnny balls
together
looking for a name
for their duet
send in your suggestion
there is no financial reward
but
on your death bead
you will not have crotch rut
hopefully 

...chocolate chip cookies...

if i tell you your chocolate chip cookies
are not as good as they used to be
you will tell me to " suck my dick"
if i say they are delicious
you will indeed suck my dick

i wonder what the verdict is ???

...blow me...

...blow me a river...

cavemen...

did you know cavemen
used to kill dinosaurs
just so they could
take their nut-sack
and store baseball cards in it ???
sometimes
they would give one
to cave girls
just so they could store their electric razors
and all the attachments  

toilet paper collection...

just
wait
until
you
see
my
toilet
paper
collection

bad day for the yeti man...

once they discover bigfoot
then nobody will give a flying fuck about him
you know , after the initial excitement
and shit  
point being
if i were bigfoot 
sure as fuck
i would be learning
to make party balloons
or something like that anyway
better still
build a flying saucer
and get the fuck out of dodge

bad days ahead for the yeti man

sour grapes...

someone had a shit on my sour grapes .

DINOSAURS...

they tell us that cavemen
never lived at the same time
as dinosaurs
but you notice
there is not a fucking
dinosaur around
that will testify to this 

i'm just saying

THE CAVEMAN...

they tell us that cavemen
never lived at the same time
as dinosaurs
but you notice
there is not a fucking
dinosaur around
that will testify to this 

i'm just saying

the advent of POCKET PUSSY...

...would do me a favour and put this piece of plastic around your cock ???

...the new church...

you told me you decided to join
this new church down the road
and it was , you know , fine
but three weeks later
you decided to become an atheist
interesting
but better yet
apparently you can get a hard-on again
hummmmm , all i can say to that is
praise the lord :  
"you will know my people
by the fruits they bare'' 

I SPEND MY LIFE...

i spend my life
in service and commitment
to other people
and that is why
when it comes to sex
i want it done my way
for me
and nobody but me

understand ???

POCKET PUSSY...

i asked your wife where i could get a good pocket pussy...and she kicked me in the pocket pussy .

SPERM...

i read that some religions don't want you to waste sperm...so i decorated a cake with it .

...make your contribution today....

ass holes make decisions...fingers write them down...the rest of the body pretends to be doing something to contribute .

he is not that bad...

he is not that bad...he is just an arrogant little fuck .

...one caveman...

one cave man
says to the other :
"i'll tell you why i haven't invented fire
i've been too busy
getting my dick sucked...
what's your excuse ???" 

TENNIS...

i used to teach tennis
i would say things like
"that's one fuckin' rotten back hand
you got there , dumb ass "
and get paid reasonably good money
then i would screw their girlfriends
and overcompensate by
tearing their reputation apart 
and have them fired from work

amen

HOMOSEXUALITY IN IRAN

so this fucker in iran
declares that there is 100 % heterosexuality
in his country
you know , he conveniently leaves out
that if , in fact ,
someone is gay
they will chop his fucking head off
or worse
but besides that
he does has a point
not much of a point
but a point

MR . FOOT

people say bigfoot does not exist
maybe it does
maybe it does not
thing is
if you get these skeptics drunk enough 
you will be soon realize
they aren't talking about bigfoot  at all
nope !!!!!
what they are really saying is :
" i am so fucking smart
that there ain't a fucking monkey alive
that can out whit me
now let me go back to my pea soup
and drown in it until i have convinced myself
that i am straight "  

THE GROCERY STORE LINE...

this fellow behind me in the grocery store
leaves our lane in favor of another one 
i yell : "you fucking traitor !!!"
he just slides away
you know , like most of his type
i slowly pull out my hand gun
as i begin to foam at the mouth 

JOHNNY CASH...

the day that johnny cash died
all the johnny cash vocals on my
johnny cash albums
were completely erased
fucking gone
no more
but the really strange thing is
my life only gets weirder
from here  

SCIENCE AND BLOW JOBS...

science has now concluded that bigfoot gives a lousy blowjob . 

NOW THAT YOUR LIFE...

now that your life is almost over
dying on the good old death bed
and all that shit
tell me
how does it feel to have done
all that stuff
you know the shit
the crap you can only get away with
if there are banana trees
growing all around you
and you are sweating your fucking ass off
just curious
non of my business

tell god i said "hi" 

SHIT HEAD TWO...

the tennis team was called the SHIT HEAD TWO...which...in retrospect...did not help a lot .

2000 YEARS...

two thousand years since jesus christ
and what have we accomplished ???
the curtains in fundamentalist churches
are far nicer now
and are easier to dust as well
and , oh yes ,
church people are allowed to be mean
when they play hockey 

that is about it

THE SCIENTIST...

the scientist does not believe
in the existence of bigfoot
but for very scientific reasons
the foremost being
and i quote :
"it's a bunch of fucking bullshit"

hummmmmmmm
above my head , baby

BE A PROSTITUTE...

the thing about prostitution is that it is such an honest way of communicating...that is to say , prostitution lets the cat out of the bag...or , in this case , pussy.

BEING STRAIGHT

what does it mean to be straight ???
not into lobsters
and certainly not into giant squid
indeed...being straight is all about the absence of sea food
in your sexual diet
and very few will fault you for that

just a few here and there

OPEN YOUR MOUTH

next time you open your mouth
and speak 
remember
there is a slight chance
be it ever so slight
some poor fucker
may take you seriously