the cow

so i show a friend a picture of a horse that i took in switzerland...i tell her that there is an interesting story associated with the picture...then i show her a picture of a cow...she says to me..."does the cow have an interesting story too?"...i said ..."no"...but what i should have said was..."yes...once upon a time...there was a cow...the end".

having puppies

once upon a time...there was this couple that kept on trying to have a dog...but they kept on having children instead .

having sex

did you know that over one % of people having sex...are thinking about their partners??? incredible!!!

toilets

toilets are the opposite of people...they take a lot of shit...and hardly give any back .

far far away

in a galaxy far far away...people do not inject heroin...because needles are illegal .

highway

i had a dog named...highway...but he got ran over .

being mugged

it is a horrible experience getting mugged at gun point...especially if the fuckers don't kiss you good-by .

the ugly dog

ten minutes ago...i was in the liquor store...and i noticed this lady had a dog with her...i asked the clerk for a treat so i could...you know....bond with the animal...i gave the dog the biscuit...she ate it...then dog and master promptly walked out of the store...at this point...another clerk turned to me and said...and i quote..."stu...we don't feed ugly dogs around here."

shame

there is no greater shame than being ashamed...in the greatest possible way .

people

people should be themselves...unless it makes me feel uncomfortable...at which point...they should find someone else to be .

the yard sale

the yard sale was a complete success...and it was amazing how quickly those young boys just gobbled up the porno magazines .

church and masturbation

it was strange that the local church had all of those protest meetings to stop masturbation...and even stranger that they got people to demonstrate what masturbation was .

potato chips

i have a friend...that whenever he buys potato chip dip...it tastes substantially better than when other people buy it...i deeply feel...that if anyone ever figures out why...we could actually save this fucking planet .

cooking

i love to cook for people...especially when it kills them .

being jealous

you know your wife is jealous...when she accuses you of screwing the rats in the basement .

church bulliten

apparently...replacing the church bulletin with porno mags...just did not fly the way the minister thought it would .

world soccer

the world soccer thing-a-ma-jig...is just fine...but they should spend less time kicking that fucking ball around...and more time soccering .