FUCKED UP ROOM MATE

i come home from...where ever
my room mate is all fucked up
he says to me : " if your shit is out of place
it's because the house moved
while you were away"
then he starts freaking out
on my prescription drugs  
( i think he actually put mustard on them
before he ate them )
anyway , they gave him little white room
teach him how to pimp chicks
and use a knife
then sends him back to my place

...i took care of everything 

SUPPER TIME...BIRRABANG ST .

"let us pray" , we bow
i presume to god   
somebody fucked something up
pork chops are hurled across the room
i duck
i would be mad
but i am quite aware that
years of sexual repression
went in to making those fucking pork chops fly 

(the truth of the matter
in fact , has nothing to do with pork chops at all
just like their lord and master , the pig
they were in the wrong place
at the wrong time) 

SHELFISH

there is this shelfish
that lives on the beach in australia
that makes the most beautiful patters
you could conceive of
as he digs in the sand
to some un-named destination

anyway
that's not my point
my point in
in the final analysis
those patterns are actually shit

makes you think , don't it

HAVING SEX

what if you do have sex
the same way
you have life ???
how do you get your dick
out of that one ???

the universe together...

the rocks on the water look like brains...and how will this help bring the universe together ???

the world's largest pineapple

we went to see
the world's largest pineapple
and 1500 miles later
there it was
yup
right in front of us
the worlds largest pineapple
and it was big
i mean real big
not to the stars big
but pretty fucking big
non-the-less
hummmm , boy was that fucking pineapple big
and i only had one question

WHO GIVES A SHIT ???

masturbation

right now
on the planet
"masturbation "
there is nobody in
a traffic jam
butting in at the super market
or having intercourse
with water buffalo

THE PROPHET...

the prophet dresses his boy
to look not just like a girl
but an ugly girl at that
with the words
"fuck everybody"
written on his back
then he sends him to school
and proclaims to the world
from the top of his house

my kid is in big fucking shit

ONCE AGAIN...WE FAIL...

IF THERE REALLY IS SUCH THING AS A SASQUATCH...HE OBVIOUSLY WANTS TO BE LEFT ALONE .

THE BEAR...

i wanted to murder this guy
so i dressed him like a bear
took him into the woods
and shot the fucker
right between the eyes...


next day
the cops show up at my house
and find me 300 dollars
for shooting bear
out of season 

NORTH AUSTRALIA...

THERE I WAS IN A CHURCH
IN NORTH AUSTRALIA DOING "STAND UP " COMEDY
I ASK THE AUDIENCE THE QUESTION
" HOW MANY CLERGY DOES IT TAKE TO SUCK A DICK ??? "

AND THAT IS ALL I REMEMBER

...SO THERE I WAS...

so there i was
my first stand-up gig
i was at this church in north australia
i say..."how many clergymen
does it take to suck a cock ???"

and that's the last thing i remember

...best question...

the best question in bible college 
is the one that
unfortunately
was never asked
that being
if homosexuality is such a sin
then how come god placed
the male "g" spot
right smack dab
in the middle of his ass ???

there would be no hearing  

HIDE AND SEEK

i used to play hide and seek with these kids
i quickly discovered that
the best way not to get caught
is to get so drunk
that you didn't know where you are
logic being...if you didn't know where you were
then certainly the kids didn't

and if that didn't work
i was still bigger than them  

PILE OF SHIT...

before you feel
sorry for someone
remember
they may think their
pile of shit
(own personal shit-fest)  
is the most wonderful
thing ever

and who knows ???
maybe it is

54...

54 bible college students
 sitting in a row
and the teacher says
"in regards to visitation
never eat the parishioners lollies"
and someone replies : " how about just one lolly ???" 
53  bible college students
sitting in a row

FUCKING LICKING GOOD...

 

they took me out for chicken
on the boys birthday
i asked the waitress
if it would help me to ejaculate better
she said
"i don't know about that
but it's fucking licking good "

i got an erection
and a bowl of gravy
to go with it

THOSE FUCKING POODLES...

there are two types of people in this world
people with poodles
and people without poodles
and once we resolve all the other issues
we can kill each other over this one 
then , afterwards
we can blame the poodles
for the whole fucking mess