my christmas album

i just released my christmas album...it is entitled..."it's pretty fucking cold out there".

unlimited power

if you want to find out what someone is really like...give them unlimited power...and then piss them off .

what do born again christians...

what do born again christians and evolutionists have in common ??? a disdain for oral sex .

skyscrapper

and why did i name my dog skyscrapper ??? just to see the look on my neighbors faces when i yelled..."here , skyscrapper !!!"  

justin beiber

maybe justin beiber was put on this planet...to make the "bay city rollers" look really fucking great !!! 

the apology

a friend of mine recently apologized...he said that he was sorry i was an ass hole .

the show...

the show must go HARD on !!!

merry christmas

this christmas will be the most beautiful christmas ever...i am going to break into a shopping mall...and steal every fucking thing i can !!! ho , ho , fucking ho!!! 

bigfoot interview

i saw this american guy interviewed about a bigfoot sighting...you have been to amreica , right ??? do you know this guy ???

what you are doing

it is not knowing what you are doing...it is knowing you don't know what you are doing .

porn

I attempted to rent porn once . The chick in the movie weighed about 500 pounds and her tits were in the wrong place . That fixed me . Never saw a porn again .

bed bug city

in the final analysis...calling his second hand clothing store..."bed bug city"...probably was not a good idea . 

stay thin...

stay thin...work your ass off .

born again christian

Just watched..."the grinch that stole christian"...at one point...the dogs crotch is directly in the grinch's  mouth...the tea party will be informed !!!

the smartest person in the world...

being the smartest person in the world...is like being the fastest slug in the garbage can .

if i were a sea monster...

if i were a sea monster...instead of destroying a boat...i would make the entire crew watch me have sex with another sea monster .

pornography

there is nothing funnier than a bunch of sasquatch making a porn movie .

take no shit

take no shit from nobody...unless it has mustard on it .

the best thing about going fishing with a friend is sucking back a couple of cool beers afterwards...especially if she named her tits...cool beer # 1 and cool beer # 2 .

super hero school

so this fellow opened up a school to train super hero's...for the first lesson...he got his students to jump off a skyscraper and fly into the great wide open...(he wasn't much of a people person).

if you ever get caught running someone over in your car...a good excuse would be that you thought he wouldn't mind .

tribulos

just in case you are wondering...tribulos fucks up sheep.

exorcism

did you ever have an exorcism during tennis ??? 

the day is coming

the day is coming when a humans worth will be determined by the quality of their sexual aids.

fundamentailist christians

i remember back in the 70's fundamentalist christians telling me that there was a persecution coming...what they left out was that they were the ones that were to do the persecuting .   

pissing people off

you.don't know what is going to piss people off under normal circumstances...but if you have something they want...then i will tell you exactly what will piss them off...almost nothing .

the quest for happiness

the quest for happiness...can really piss you off .

e.t.

one thing for sure about e.t...he knew how to end a relationship...tell someone you will be "with them always"...then fuck off into outer-space .

cars on the street

don't be sad when you see all the cars on the street...just remember...most of them are going to some place they sure as fuck don't want to be .

BED BUGS ARE US...

sad??? need a friend ??? someone to share those long nights with ??? try us...BED BUGS ARE US...you will never sleep by yourself again...introduction offer...get you first pack of 20 bed bugs for fifty dollars...and get your second for half price...BED BUGS ARE US...'cause life is too short to be by yourself . 

a true vegan

a true vegan does not eat pussy .

true story...halifax .n.s.

this child was having the crap kicked out of him every day in school...so guess what the fearless leader-school principal- and his gang of idiots decided to do ??? let the poor kid out five  minutes early so he could outrun them home...enough said .  

true love

true love is like bigfoot...hard to find...and even harder to hold onto .

how our planet got its name

so god said to his only son , jesus (in case you are wondering) , let's call it planet BRAINWASHED... jesus scratched his head for a minute...and replied..."too fucking obvious , father...let us call it...EARTH"...the lord shook his shoulders and muttered ..."i will call it anything you want , my boy...but just remember this...you owe me one ".

oak trees get cut down all the time...but shit trees are left to bask in the sun...which would you rather be ???

plague

the good lord encourages us to have children...because the more children...the better the plague .

mother masturbates

as long as only 99.9999 % of the mothers in this world masturbate...it is quite easy to convince yourself...that your mother does not . 

from a distance

from a distance i can see the universe...from a distance your bicycle looks like a greyhound...from a distance your ass hole is so far away...that it eventually wines up back between your legs .

name : peter penis

name : peter the penis...likes...friction...dislikes : being used to stir coffee...favorite hockey team...boston bruins .

tampa bay

i would like to move to tampa bay...just to form a baseball team and call them the tampons .

students 10 % off day...

in the eight and under lane...the lady in front of me had 17 items...the cashier asked her if she was a student...i replied..."if she is...she sure as fuck ain't taking math."   

suck in bed

in a bizarre twist of irony...men love women who suck in bed .

people

you can't really hate people...until you really begin to love them .

"the call"...

i didn't start drinking...until i answered "the call" to ministry .

leaves...

leaves turn color...people turn on each other .

when you die

when you die...people have wonderful things to say about you...unless , of course...your name is jesus .

billy sperm

babies were actually invented...by a guy named...billy sperm .

youth

youth is the perfect opportunity to believe that fucking things up...is good for a laugh .

cock sucker 5

"the cocksucker 5" was a really weird name for a rock group...especially because there were only four people in it . 

oral sex

the best way to have oral sex...is to change the name of your cow to oral .

the flintstones

we are now living in a society where "the flintstones" is too intelligent for the average person...enjoy !!!

let's make a sperm deal

sperm contestant # one...where do you want to go on vacation ??? the back of someones mouth ??? or on a piece of toilet paper ???    

sexual engineer

a whore who makes more than 40 dollars an hour...is a sexual engineer .

hats in church...

the real reason why the apostle paul made the ladies wear hats in church...it gave him a hard-on .

i always wanted to be a sports broadcaster...just so when someone asks me about someones batting average...(or whatever)...i could say..."who the fuck cares???"

faliure...

failure teaches you how to fail .

hockey commentator

why would i like to be a hockey commentator ??? just so i can say..."he shoots...he hits the fucking goal post ." 

cuba

cuba is one of the few places in the world where you can show up at the local bar with a glass of rum in your hands...and nobody will think it to be weird .

shitting on people

it is easy to shit on people...unless they are hanging from the ceiling .

floating on a fart

it is hard to stand your ground...when you are floating on a fart .

signing autographs for elton john

one goose says to the other..."what do you do for a living???" he replies..."i am a plumber and i also sign autographs for elton john." 

smile...

SMILE !!! if someone has a gun to your head...and will shoot you if you don't .

the "big bang"

the "big bang" theory goes on to state...that mrs. god...could not walk for a week .

extrapulate

anyone who would crop their dogs tail...would also crop your heart .

my mother...

my mother told me that she hates bad news...so i never told her i was dying...i figured she would figure it out soon enough anyway .

did you...

did you ever think about how you don't think about anything ???

i love snickers bars

what is the best way to get a free snickers bar ??? catch someone fucking around on their wife .

cock sucker

if your last name is sucker...don't name your kid cock .

opinion

remember , before you give someone your opinion...they were pretty fucking happy with their own long before you got there .

world champ

if i ever become the world champion...i would like to be the world champion of the world .

fuck

Fundamentalist
Universal
Christian
Kingdom

...JOIN F.U.C.K. CHURCH  

the best wrestler

this wrestler had it written on his trunks..."the best (wrestler) in the world"...then...one match...he lost...so he took off his pants and put them over the other guy's head...truly , he was the best...but at what cost ???

the lecture

of all the university lectures i have had in my life...the one that i remember...is the fellow who lectured on the new age movement...and why will i never forget this  , you ask...simple...the fucker didn't have a clue of what he was talking about... stunning , it was !!!

the greater the bullshitter

the greater the bullshitter...the greater ones position in social circles .

if you were a tree

if you were a tree...would you be an orange tree...or a shit tree ???

hanging nuts

some day...when we are all the same color , race , etc...the people with a lower left nut...will persecute those with a lower right nut

pro wrestling

from what i understand about professional wrestling...your cock is the intercontinental champion .

spinosauras

spinosauras was bigger and more powerful than t. rex...thing is...his public relationship team was fucking awful .

stay thin

you must work your ass off to stay thin .

shit eater

it doesn't matter how wonderful you are...if your name is "shit eater"...you are fucked . 

tribulus

just in case you are wondering...tribulus fucks up sheep .

reveal

nothing reveals you to be who you really are...like having your intestines ripped out and spilled all over the place.

rock show

flying rats to put on invisible , silent rock show in atlanta...500 $ per ticket .

throwing up

throwing up can be fun...but throwing down is even better . 

sex in bible college

when i went to bible college...people got kicked out for having sex...they must have not been good at it .

ass hole

sometimes i wonder...is there more to life than just being an ass hole ???

monkeys

are monkeys sexually perverse...or are we just projecting our shit on them ???

the missing link

armpit hair...what separates us from apes .

throwing up

you throw up...you throw down...then you just look at it .

the best in people

nothing brings out the best in people...like having their intestines pulled out .

cannibals and wine

are you aware that cannibals that prefer red wine...despise cannibals that prefer white ???

i hang out with shit turds...

i hang out with shit turds...it helps my self esteem .

badminton

i played badminton with god once...i beat him and my life has been shit ever since .

Flying Rats

"flying rats" back in studio to record rock opera on...rocks...while smoking rock...guest singer..."the rock"...however...they have completely denied there is a theme of any sort to the record . 

a blackbird...

an ostrich can't eat pizza unless his head is up his ass .

flying rats

"flying rats" say that the three people trampled to death in recent concert...are , coincidentally...the only three girls the drummer ever had sex with in his life . 

affectionate dog

this dog jumped on me and began to lick...his master said..."he loves people too much"...i replied..."good...he has to make up for the rest of us".

chips !!!

"flying rats" to give out free chips to immediate families of concert victims .

flying rat concert

three people trampled to death at "flying rat" concert .

gas pumps

people are a lot more self serving than gas pumps...especially the non-self serving ones . 

wet my pants...

the last time i wet my pants...i drowned .

shit eater

if you don't want your dog to eat shit...don't name him..."shiteater".

steak sauce

now i know why my marriage went to shit...wrong steak sauce .

life is like a toaster...

life is like a toaster...but i am not sure why .

if i were an alien...

if i were an alien...i would max out my credit card...then fuck off .

the great thing

there is nothing greater than that thing...you know...that great thing...the one that's so great .

...your inner carabou...

sex is so much better with your inner caribou between you and your metaphoric moose .

nobody left to blame...

when there is nobody left to blame...your cat is in for a big fucking surprise .

self defence

sometimes people try to defend themselves in count...thinking that once truth comes to the light...all will be fine...they never make that fucking mistake again .

a friend...

a friend is to cover your ass...not to draw a target on it .

big

how big must something be...before it starts getting small again ???

your vagina

do not point your finger at people...point it up your vagina instead .

how did batman...

how did bat man beat superman??? he gave him syphilis .

fuck the duck

name your duck...fuck...it's just easier to tell it to fuck off that way .

moses may have parted the red sea...

moses may have parted the red sea...but can he make the bubbles in the bubble bath get really foamy ???

nuts

women fall in love and go nuts...men fall in love with their nuts .

universes

maybe there are billions and billions of universes...but ours is the worst one...you know...made of shit and gas .

if there is a sucker born...

if there is a sucker born every minute...then i want her address .

the same religion

once we are all the same religion...the same color...and all that other stuff...the people who stir their coffee with spoons...will declare war on the people who stir their coffee with sticks .

tarantula

tarantulas YES !!! funnel webs...NO !!!

an exorcism

never wear your best clothes to an exorcism .

drink water up your ass hole

fart out your nose...drink water up your ass...either way...you are set for life .

the bridge

warning...bridge is 15,000 above sea level...anyone attempting suicide...will be shot on sight .

some people...

some people do things for people...buy stuff for people...just so they can say..."you fucking bastard...after all the shit i've done for you".

an ode to marriage

i will tell you
why you should marry me
that's exactly what
you deserve
you rotten little
skank

anti-wrinkle cream

i bought my girlfriend this anti-wrinkle cream...anyway...it sorta worked...it ate her face off .

federer

if roger federer is such a good tennis player...then why didn't he win the bugtussell open ???

go duck yourself

there is only one thing in the universe i do not understand...that is...why the expression..."go duck yourself"...never caught on*

* preferably on a t-shirt...with a picture of a smiling duck directly above the letters .

do not confuse...

do not confuse the hole in your ass...with the hole in your heart .

moses parting the red sea

after moses parted the red sea...he blew a bubble out of his ass...which was , in its own way...just as impressive .

t. rex

my suspicion is...t. rex was better at fighting than he was at oral sex .

take no shit...

take no shit from nobody...unless it has mustard on it .

camp wacka wacka

the ironic thing about camp wacka wacka was...there was no masturbatorium .

this dog i know...

this dog i know...he loves chasing chipmunks...but hates chasing squirrels .

baby let's get drunk and screw

a young man says to his woman..."let's get drunk and screw"...come my age...you say..."let's get drunk or screw".

sometimes a fart...

sometimes a fart...sounds like a duck...but don't expect to eat it for dinner .

pulling away

i pull away from women
so i can pull away on my dick
some people think that's anti-social
but i don't give a shit

i pull on my finger
others pull on my heart
and if it is a lucky day
all that happens in a fart 

we pull on each other
and push at the same time
and we don't see the mess we made
because we're fucking blind

if i were a dinosaur
i'd be pull-a-sauras-rex
i would add a push to my pull
and then i'd call it sex

george bush

george bush has done for world peace...what christians have done for christianity .

some day...

some day we will be all the same color and religion and stuff like that...then the people with a lower left nut...will declare war on the people with a lower right nut .

...the bahamas

stroke it in the bahamas

you never know someone...

you never know someone...until you cut off their head and look deep inside their skull .

the titanic

apparently...the titanic had eight psychics on board...eight useless fucking psychics .

having children

why does god encourage us to have children ??? simple...the more children...the better the plague .

moses and the red sea...

what moses really did was fart in the bath tub...you know how stories get exaggerated .

baby name

a friend of mine bought a book on baby names...eventually she named her child copyright 1978 .

nothing brings out the best...

nothing brings out the best in people...like a chain saw .

wonderful wacky world

there is a  wonderful , wacky , wild world out there...and it is just waiting to beat the fuck out of me...(or fwuck...whatever you prefer.)

frozen food

as the world continues to fall apart...frozen food continues to get better and better...which , of course , means...that the day frozen food reaches its perfection...will be armageddon .

the police did not like...

the police did not like my headlight being out...and the dismembered mayor in the back seat didn't help either .

tuna would taist...

tuna would taste a lot better...if my teeth were sharp enough to bite through the can .

good leadership

so i tell this clergyman that good leadership  means being a servant to your congregation...he couldn't stop laughing .

greek tragedies

i don't know why greek tragedies are considered sad...i never got hurt in any of them .

my age...

it just occurred to me...i am older now than i have ever been before .

barky

a friend of mine named his dog barky...not sure why though .

a hero...

a hero is a coward...too stupid to escape .

alien invasion

the beautiful thing about an alien invasion...is that they can't fuck things up any more than they are  .

pregnant wife..

i was suspicious when my wife got pregnant...you know...me having no nuts and all...but when she gave birth to a moose...well...that was just too much .

the face of jesus

apparently...a few years ago...the face of jesus was seen on the wall of a tim horton's donut shop...as a result...the customers who liked glazed donuts...began to slaughter the customers who liked chocolate dipped .

the prostitute

it didn't bother me that you were a prostitute...what bothered me was that it was your best quality .

fruit bats

since there are fruit bats...there should be lesbian bats as well .

cat lady...

i wonder where you go to school to learn how to be a cat lady ???

religious people...

religious people do not drink...because they are too busy beating their wives .

bin ladin

for all you people who believe people should repress their homosexuality...i have two words for you...bin ladin .

i swear...

i swear to never name a corgi cory...an elephant elli...an alligator...al...or a tarantula...terry .  

boss hogg

maybe boss hogg...is the greatest philosopher who ever lived .

going to heaven

the first thing i am going to do when i get to heaven...is get drunk and screw .

choose...

choose your friends carefully...and the lubricant you use to masturbate with...even more carefully .

fun

the main thing in life is to have fun...and if i find myself not having fun...i inflict physical pain upon myself until i start having fun again .

bizarre twist of irony

in a bizarre twist of irony...men love women...who suck in bed .

playing with your nuts

did you even wonder how many clergymen play with their nuts behind the podium ???

an exorcism

an exorcism without throwing up pea soup...is like sex without an orgasm .

serious

i told a friend that he took life too seriously...he took what i said very seriously...i'm not sure if that is good or bad .

don't take shit...

don't take shit from anyone...unless it has mustard on it .

moses parting the red sea...

moses may have parted the red sea...but you should see me fart in the bubble bath .

oral sex...

oral sex is better than regular sex...because you don't have to listen to anyone talk .

your coffee

never stir your coffee with your penis...trust me .

suckers

if there is a sucker born every second...then suckers must be doing more screwing then sucking .

dinosaurs

dinosaurs are interesting...and the less sex you are having...the more interesting they become .

retarded

i think people who are not politically correct...are retarded .

yoda

i would like to hang out with yoda...but not just to see him naked...but that's part of it though...a big part .

obese cats

any ass hole can find it deep within to support starving cats...we got a new swing on the situation...that is right...here at "the cat factory"...we only feed pussies five to 10 pounds overweight...all the other cats can go fuck themselves...in the year 2012...obese cats rule !!!

too busy

if you are too busy to stick a flag into a turd and drive it around the toilet bowl a couple times...then you are just too busy . 

evil spirit

i once knew a man who had a dog named spirit...when he was bad...he would say..."evil spirit"...and cast him out .