GRADUATION DAY

graduation day bible college
i get a couple bottles of wine
travel to the beach downtown with my friends
grab a table 30 yards from where the faculty are
debating shit about who's dick is bigger
moses's or jonah's
(moses , by the way)
then i take off my clothes
and go for a swim

no sharks , baby
they are all sitting at a table
back on shore

40 days

noah wanted it to rain
for 40 days and nights
he didn't get that
instead
he got a pound of heroin
and apparently
that amounted to
essentially the same thing

A DINGO ATE MY BABY

a dingo ate my baby
but it was a metaphoric dingo
and the baby was my inner-child

making a long story short
nobody gave a fuck

THE EXPERIMENT

instead of a cross
the church erected a penis
on the front lawn
just to see what
the congregation would say
they were all for it at first
until they were told
this had nothing to do with the orgy issue
and they were still opposed
to the way of the corinthians # 
at least for the time being  

# the corinthians were given shit by paul for the practice of group sex , among other things 

THE PROPHET...

the prophet is eating chips
thing is
he doesn't know what brand it is
if they are fresh or not  
nor how long will it take him to finish
the fucking things
...better hurry up , prophet 
those whores won't wait forever

THE BANANA / MONKEY THING

the banana / monkey thing
is an exercise of skill and balance 
and learning the art of being invisible
under the most fucked up circumstances
in the world of underground sexuality  
it never works
though science says it is indeed possible
like one in every billion times or so
on more thing
this is definitely not for people
who have any sort of affection for  monkeys
...even in the slightest

BASED ON A TRUE STORY...

IF YOU WANT TO HAVE FUN IN BIBLE COLLEGE...TELL THE GUY SITTING NEXT TO YOU THAT GOD SAID THAT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO SCREW HIS WIFE .

SHIT LIKE THAT

...shit like that

in bible college
you are not supposed to have sex
in any form
be it straight , gay , or self
...or whatever
what this means
is that the real spiritual person
will find ulterior ways 
to release sexual energy
you know , like murder
cat juggling and making fun
of challenged people 

SICK , ISN'T IT ???

sick ,isn't it ???

bible college is over for another day
dave looks at me and says " sick ,isn't it ??? "
his wife cooks us some food
we laugh at each other
hop in my automobile
and make our way to " pizza slut "
we return
brew some java
he looks at me again and says :
" sick , isn't it ??? "

yes , dave : it is indeed sick

THE OLD MAN AND THE SWIMMING POOL

this old fellow was trying to lose some weight
he used the reward system
swim a length of the pool
grab a piece of chicken
then swim another length and repeat

funny thing is
he starved to death in three weeks  

SCREWING

a young couple got thrown out of bible college

for screwing
hummmmmm , me says to meself
i guess they weren't very good at it
i ask politely if they could put on
a demonstration
so us fellow students could judge
( you know judge in the good way )
for ourselves

...and nobody ever heard from me again

POCKET PUSSY

i am going on vacation
and do you know who i am taking with me ???
pocket pussy
yup , that's right
nothing relaxes you
before you preach a sermon
like pocket pussy
pocket pussy
this is one cat
that feeds you
pocket pussy
soap to clean pocket pussy
not included 

SOME PEOPLE

there are some people in this world
though they would never put their lips
to a bottle of rum
non-the-less
would have no problem
taking a bottle of rum
and breaking the fucking thing
over any poor shit
that didn't see things his way

we refer to these people
as ned and steve

THE EVOLUTION OF THE PENIS...

according to evolution
the more intelligent someone is
the smaller the penis
roughly translated
most people consider themselves stupid
when they are wearing clothes
and much smarter
when they are naked

THE FIRST CHURCH OF POCKET PUSSY

i joined the first church of pocket pussy
and it is indeed fabulous
we just sit around all sunday morning
and judge and condemn those who
don't use pocket pussy
fuck , we might even tar and feather some of them
not that we want to
but we sure as shit don't
want to piss off the almighty   

NURSE IN THE OVEN...

so i went to the doctor the other day
and he told me that i got three months to live
i replied : " metric or imperial months ??? "
he just swigged back his rum
and we both had a good laugh

then we put his nurse in the oven  

MID EIGHTIES...AN INTERESTING DATE

the night began with me
telling you that i love you
and it ended with me
telling you to go smoke
a big fat turd

what happened in between
we will refer to this
and the mystery hours

THE LAST DAY...

come the last day of the world
do you think there will be any miracles 
performed by jesus ???
i mean , really !!!
what's the point ???

OLD FOLKS

there i was walking down the street
and there were these old folks
sitting on their front porch
i said to them :
" how you doing ???"
the old lady replied
" i can't complain
nobody would listen to me anyway "
so i said :
"what the fuck are you married to him for
if he won't listen ??? "
she said : " fuck , you're right "
went inside
gathered her shit
and was never heard from again

NOT-LIVE-LONG-A-SAURAS-REX

so i go see my dr.

and...guess what ???
he tells me that i got
three months to live
so i say to him...i say :
"dr. , that means that if i were a dinosaur
they would name me
not-got-long-to-live-a-sauras-rex"
we both laugh
and he passes me a smoke   

THE BEST SEX...

the best sex
is probably done by
really hard core repressed
religious zealots
who , with every thrust
penetrate their partner
with anger , repressed homosexual desires
and secretly hoping that
their mother is watching
and masturbating in the corner

this could lead to amazing orgasms...
among other things

THE GREATEST FORCE...

the greatest force in the universe
is coming to take you away
the greatest force in the universe
he swears to god he ain't gay

oh , the bad guys cannot beat him
even thought they wish they could
he has a heart that's really brave
and a dick that's hard as wood

POST...

DID YOU EVER WONDER WHY THE WORD "POST"...LOOKS LIKE A VERY ANGRY 13 YEAR OLD ???

WHEN YOU LIE...

NEXT TIME YOU LIE...REMEMBER THE PEANUT BUTTER .

GOT MY NEW JUSTIN BEIBER

got my boots
got my tokes  
got my underwear
got my smokes
got my pocket pussy
and pocket pussy lubricant  
my guru gave it to me
it was used by clark kent  


yea , i'm movin' to new mexico
gonna raise some sheep
i'm movin' to new mexico
i can feel the dust under my ass 

got my hat
got my comb
got my stuffed bunny
i won it in the astradome 
got a copy
of the latest justin bieber
won't go nowhere
without my labrador retriever

HOLE IN YOUR ASS...

MAY THE HOLE IN YOUR HEART BE SMALLER THAN THE ONE IN YOUR ASS .

NOSE PICKING IN SLUGVILLE...

HOW DOES A SLUG PICK HIS NOSE ???

all that shit...

all that guilt , shame , fearfulness
self hatred and such
stored up in your testicles
god wants to smite you
and your penis is filled
with the knowledge of your worthlessness
said plain and simple : you suck
and sex has now become some screaming prick
from behind a podium
you think of your mother
as you pounce upon her
the whole fucking thing
was her fault anyway

NECESSITY...

NECESSITY IS THE MOTHER OF NEEDING THINGS .

fuck-eyes

this scientist named his child FUCK-EYES
to see how he would fair in the real world
with such a name
the results were so amazing
that they gave him a NOBEL prize
TOO BAD HIS KID SHOT HIM
DURING HIS ACCEPTANCE SPEECH

AFTER THE GAME...

after the big game
the hockey player was interviewed
and he talked about his
woman's underwear fetish
how he likes to eat
the dirty pairs
and the dirtier the better

don cherry was not amused

EXCUSES AND SUCH...

THE DEMON LADY WANTED TO SEDUCE ME...BUT I TOLD HER THAT I HAD JUST EATEN AN ENTIRE CHICKEN AND WAS FULL .

MY FAVORITE PREACHER...

MY FAVORITE PREACHER...IS THE GRAND WIZARD OF RELIGION .

UNCONDITIONAL LOVE

WHAT I DON'T LIKE ABOUT UNCONDITIONAL LOVE ??? ALL THE CONDITIONS .

SPECIAL SPEAKER

this special speaker in bible college
he talks about screwing sheep
and how you shouldn't do it
then he picks out a sheep from the audience
and clearly demonstrates how not
to fuck the little bastards

i just sit there and take notes
either that or be expelled 

UNWISE WOMAN...

AN UNWISE WOMAN HAS NO BATTERIES FOR HER VIBRATOR .

SEX...

DEATH HAS REPLACED SEX AS THE TABOO TOPIC...SO I WONDER WHERE HAVING SEX WITH DEAD PEOPLE FITS IN .

ALLSOP

his name was timmy allsop
when he died
his kid put on his grave :
" i sop
you sop
all sop "
why he did this
nobody really knows

TOILET PAPER...

I HOPE THE ALIENS DON'T WANT US BECAUSE THEY THINK WE ARE A SOURCE OF TOILET PAPER .

MR . COFFIN

when mr. coffin died
everyone rolled around the grave stone
laughing
and saying things like :
"his name is coffin
and he is in a coffin
get it ???"

his wife laughed so hard
she died too
they threw her in the hole
and saved a shit load of money

NO GOOD DEED...

if there was a bomb
and you threw your body over it
and saved the lives of 100 diplomats
YET
somehow you remained unharmed
do you know what kind of reward you would get
well , i will tell you exactly what would happen
THEY WOULD TREAT YOU LIKE A MOTHER FUCKING GUINEA-PIG
FOR THE REST OF YOUR FUCKING LIFE
COMPLETE WITH TUBES UP YOUR ASS HOLE
AND DEHYDRATED SHIT IN YOUR TRAP
no more and no less
yup...that's about it

NO GOOD DEED GOES UNPUNISHED 

NON-VIOLENCE...

MY FATHER WAS A NON-VIOLENT MAN...AND BY THAT...I MEAN HE WAS A BAD SHOT WITH A GUN .

THE BALCONY...

I WAS TALKING TO THIS DENTIST...WE WERE ON THE BALCONY OF THE 15TH FLOOR OF THIS OFFICE BUILDING...HE SAYS TO ME..." ONE FLEETING MOMENT OF INSANITY AND IT COULD ALL BE OVER "...THEN HE GRABS ANOTHER HANDFUL OF CHIPS .

RYAN ADAMS...

DID YOU KNOW RYAN ADAMS AND BRIAN ADAMS HAVE THE SAME BIRTHDAY ??? SAME BIRTHDAY AND DIFFERENT UNIVERSES .

"PURDY DEAD"...

WHEN MRS . PURDY DIED...THEY PUT ON HER TOMB STONE..."PURDY DEAD "...AND EVERYONE HAD A GOOD CHUCKLE .

FREE LOVE

...SUCK MY FREE LOVE .

GOD AND TOILET...

WHAT DOES GOD HAVE IN COMMON WITH A TOILET ??? THEY BOTH HAVE TO PUT UP WITH PILES AND PILES OF SHIT .

"AN EYE FOR AN EYE"...

"AN EYE FOR AN EYE"...AND NOBODY CAN CATCH ME STEALING SHIT .

LOOK LIKE SHIT...

I TOLD THIS GIRL THAT HER EYEBROWS LOOKED LIKE SHIT...APPARENTLY...SHE DID NOT KNOW THAT " LOOK LIKE SHIT "...IS THE NEW WAY TO SAY REALLY COOL .

DEATH...AND SUCH...

WE ALL DIE...SO MAKE SURE YOU GET YOUR DEATH PACKAGE , COMPLETE WITH DEATH HAIR DRYER AND DEATH BOWLING BALL BEFORE ITS TOO LATE .

ORAL SEX...

ORAL SEX GOT ME GAL FRIEND KNOCKED UP...ANY IDEAS ???

SHIT...

YOU MAY HAVE THE BEST RECIPE FOR SHIT IN THE WORLD...IT IS STILL SHIT .

FAVORITE TURD...

DRESS YOUR FAVORITE TURD IN A MINK COAT...IT IS STILL SHIT .

THE AVERAGE PERSON...

you never know what is inside
the average person until you
blow it out of them
kick it out of them
suck it out of them
tickle it out of them
fuck
anything will do except
except
talk it out of them
that will get you nowhere

THE BEST OF BOTH WORLDS...

SNOW IS BEST WHEN IT HITS THE GROUND AND IMMEDIATELY DISAPPEARS .

what would jesus do ???

my experience with fundamentalist religion
is quite simple
they control people
manipulate people
judge them
condemn them
and reduce their self esteem
to rat shit 
then
after all that shit
they make a documentary
about how fucking persecuted
they have been
...one question :
what would jesus do ???

LOBSTER CLAWS...

"HOW MANY CLAWS DOES A LOBSTER HAVE "...IS NOT A PERSONAL QUESTION .

ELVIS...

ONCE THE ALIENS GO THROUGH OUR ARCHIVES
AND DISCOVER THAT WE MADE ELVIS  COVER
" OLD MCDONALD HAD A FUCKING FARM "
OH , BOY...THE SHIT WILL REALLY HIT THE FAN THEN
I MEAN , THEY WILL FRY OUR FUCKING DICKS
RIGHT OUT OF OUR HANDS
IT WILL BE FUCKING TERRIBLE
AWFUL , EVEN !!!

HOLLAND THE DYKE...

I WANT MY GIRL TO BE A DYKE...I WILL NAME HER...HOLLAND .

FUCK GRASSHOPPERS...

WHERE EVER HE WENT
HE WOULD STEP ON GRASSHOPPERS
BUT HE FORGOT THE REASON WHY
AND THIS ONLY MADE HIM
MORE PASSIONATE ABOUT
THE WHOLE FUCKING THING
HE EVEN HAD A LINE OF T. SHIRTS
" FUCK GRASSHOPPERS "
IT SAID ON THE FRONT
...BUT IT WASN'T UNTIL
HE DEEMED PRO-GRASSHOPPER PEOPLE
AS HOMOSEXUALS
DID IT REALLY CATCH ON

CAMP FUCK-A-NUC

PICTURE YOURSELF IN THE
MIDDLE OF THE WOODS
WITH RED-EYED DRUNKEN SASQUATCH
WHORNIE  AS A LAMP POST
DROOLING
AND WATCHING YOUR EVERY FUCKING MOVE
READY TO POUNCE
AND RAPE THE SHIT
RIGHT OUT OF YOU

WELL...AT CAMP FUCK-A-NUCK
WE TRY TO MAKE SURE
THAT THIS KIND OF SHIT
DOESN'T EVER HAPPEN
AND...GUESS WHAT ??? 
IT IS AVOIDED 79 % OF THE TIME
 ...CAMP FUCK-A-NUCK
'CAUSE LIFE AIN'T ALL
SHITS AND GIGGLES

ALICE SPRINGS , AUSTRALIA

I GET OFF THE BUS IN ALICE SPRINGS...
SLOWLY MEANDER TO THE BAR...
JUST IN TIME TO WATCH SOME LADY...
BURN A CROSS ON THE VIDEO SHOW...
I WAS NOT SURE WHAT IT MEANT...
EITHER SHE IS VERY RELIGIOUS...
OR VERY ANTI-RELIGIOUS...
MY GUESS...
PROBABLY THE ONE...
THAT PAYS THE MOST...
I HEAR THE CRY OF DINGO'S...
IN THE BACK GROUND...
THEY CHAT ABOUT EATING BABIES  

AYRES ROCK...

SO YOU TRAVEL 15 , 000 MILES...
TO SEE THIS ROCK ...
YOU ASK IT A QUESTION...
IT HAS NO ANSWERS...
IT DOES NOT LOVE YOU...
AND THREE WISHES IS...
DEFINITELY OUT OF THE QUESTION...
SO WHAT DO YOU DO ???
WELL , YOU LIE ABOUT...
THE WHOLE FUCKING THING , OF COURSE...
THAT YOU SAW ELVIS AT THE ROCK...
AND HE TOLD YOU THE MEANING OF LIFE...
YOU KNOW , SHIT LIKE THIS...
JUST TAKE A GUESS...
AT THE MEANING OF LIFE...
IT WILL PROBABLY BE GOOD ENOUGH...
NOT TO BE CONSPICUOUS...
HERE'S ANOTHER IDEA...
TAKE A NAKED PICTURE...
OF A BEAUTIFUL GIRL...
THAT ALWAYS WORKS       

THREE COURSE MEAL...

EVERYDAY WILL SERVE YOU A THREE COURSE MEAL OF WISDOM OR STUPID...THE CHOICE IS  YOUR .

A GOOD PILOT...

A GOOD PILOT
KNOWS HOW TO FLY
INTO A FLOCK OF SWANS
AND NOT MISS A SINGLE BIRD
FUCK , A REALLY GOOD PILOT
WON'T EVEN SPILL A DROP OF RUM
WHILE DOING IT

THEN THERE ARE THE GREAT PILOTS 

ANAL PROBING AND ALIENS...

IF ALIENS WERE REALLY
INTO ANAL PROBING
THEN THEY WOULD NOT HAVE ADVANCED
TO THE POINT WHERE THEY
COULD COME DOWN HERE
AND STICK THEIR GREEN SLIMY HANDS
UP OUR ASSES
NOPE
THEY WOULD HAVE CHECKED OUT
LONG AGO

THE COMPLIMENT STAND

THIS GIRL WAS IN FRONT OF ME...
IN THE COMPLIMENT STAND...
GETTING CREAM AND SUGAR FOR HER COFFEE...
YOU KNOW...
THE USUAL SHIT...
SUDDENLY I REALIZED...
HOW FUCKING LONG SHE WAS TAKING...
SO I LOOKED OVER HER SHOULDER...
AND WHAT DO I SEE ???
SHE IS "TEXTING" HER BUDDIES...
FUCKING TEXTING...
YOU KNOW...
LIKE CHARLIE MANSON...
OR SOMEONE LIKE THAT !!!   

THE POCKET PUSSY...

ONE AVERAGE DATE...
IS ABOUT THE COST OF A POCKET PUSSY...
WHICH MEANS...
IT HAS PAID FOR ITSELF...
ALMOST INSTANTLY...
POCKET PUSSY...
BECAUSE WHORES...
PROFESSIONAL AND OTHERWISE...
ARE TOO FUCKING EXPENSIVE

PURDY DEAD...1986

WHEN MAGGIE PURDY DIED...THEY PUT ON THE GRAVE STONE..."PURDY DEAD "....AND WE ALL HAD A GOOD LAUGH .

KILL THE BASTARD...

ONCE THERE WAS A CLERGYMAN WHO WAS NOT INTO THE ABUSE OF SEX , MONEY OR POWER...HE GOT FIRED .

NEWFOUNDLAND SWEATER...

I GOT MY NEWFOUNDLAND SWEATER...THE SAME PLACE I GOT MY NEWFOUNDLAND ASS-HOLE .

LIFE ON MARS...

YOU INSPIRED ME TO GO TO MARS...THAT IS...GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM HERE .

COCK-A-DOODLE-DO'S

TRY : "COCK-A-DOODLE-DO'S "...AND MAKE YOUR PENIS...A HAPPY PENIS .

TRUE LOVE...

TRUE LOVE IS WHEN YOU ARE THROWN OUT THE WINDOW .

GO HAVE A SHIT...

THE BEST WAY TO MAKE THE PHONE RING...IS TO GO HAVE A SHIT .

EVERY BREATH YOU TAKE...THE POLICE

THOUGHT TO BE A LOVE SONG TO THE POINT OF BEING PLAYED AT WEDDINGS AND SUCH...IS ACTUALLY ABOUT SOME DERANGED STALKER .

...SHOWS YOU WHAT WE KNOW ABOUT LOVE .

"GOD BLOWS HERE"...

THE CHURCH SIGN WAS SUPPOSED TO READ..."GET YOUR WIND OF THE HOLY SPIRIT HERE "...WHAT IT SAID WAS..."GOD BLOWS HERE " ...QUITE THE DISTINCTION .

GRAVEYARD...

THEY PUT THE GRAVEYARD BEHIND THE CHURCH...TO MATCH THE ONE INSIDE THE CHURCH .

THE # 56

DID YOU EVER NOTICE THAT THE NUMBER 56 LOOKS LIKE IT IS CRYING ???

DO ALIENS...

DO ALIENS SCRATCH THEIR NUTS AT BASEBALL GAMES ???

HISTORY...

HISTORY DOES NOT TAKE KINDLY...
TO THOSE WHO HAVE TOO MUCH SEX...
UNLESS , OF COURSE ,
THEY SET AN INDOOR RECORD FOR IT...
THEN HISTORY...
CHANGES ITS MIND...
...AND IF YOU DIE...
DO NOT DIE MASTURBATING...
HISTORY DOES NOT LIKE THIS EITHER...
...DO YOU KNOW WHO HISTORY LIKES THE MOST ???
DINOSAURS...
FUCKING DINOSAURS...
NOBODY KNOWS WHY...
IS IT BECAUSE THEY ARE BIG ???
THEY LIKED TO PUSH EACH OTHER AROUND ???
WHO THE FUCK KNOWS...
BUT MORE TO THE POINT...
WHO THE FUCK CARES ???

GIANT CHICKENS...

A CHICKEN WILL LAST ME THREE MEALS...IT USED TO BE ONLY ONE...POINT...WE ARE BEING CONFRONTED WITH A SPECIES OF GIANT CHICKENS .

THE THEME FOR A NON-EXISTANT MOVIE...

THE GREATEST FORCE IN THE UNIVERSE
IS COMING TO TAKE YOU AWAY
THE GREATEST FORCE IN THE UNIVERSE
HE SWEARS TO GOD HE'S NOT GAY

OH , THE BAD GUY CANNOT BEAT HIM 
EVEN THOUGH THEY WISH THEY COULD
HE HAS A HEART THAT'S REALLY BRAVE
AND A COCK AS HARD AS WOOD

PROMISED LAND...

I WANNA GO TO THE PROMISED LAND...AND HAVE A PIECE OF PROMISED HAM...FRESH...NOT OUT OF A CAN...DID I MENTION IT IS NOT OUT OF A CAN ???

A LIFE TIME...

IT USUALLY TAKES PEOPLE AN ENTIRE LIFE TO REALIZE THAT THEY HAVE WASTED A LIFE TIME .

NICE TITS...

I WAS NOT LOOKING AT YOUR TITS
I WAS LOOKING AT YOUR ONION RINGS
JUST ABOUT A FOOT AND A HALF
BELOW YOUR TITS
HOWEVER
SINCE YOU BRING UP THE SUBJECT...
NICE TITS !!!

MAN ON THE STREET...

THIS INDIVIDUAL ON THE STREEET PUT A GUN TO MY HEAD AND ASKED ME FOR MY WALLET...I SAID... " WHERE IN THE FUCK DO YOU THINK I CAN PUT MY MONY IF I GIVE YOU MY WALLET ??? " .

BABY PIGEON...

I SAW A BABY PIGEON...HE WAS DEAD...AND I THOUGHT TO MYSELF..."MAYBE THAT PIGEON IS ME " . 

HIGHER EDUCATION...

IT WAS 1975...BETTY WORE THIS T-SHIRT TO SCHOOL THAT READ..." I WILL BLOW ANY  KID WHO HATES DISCO"...WITHIN THREE DAYS , EVERY BOY IN THE SCHOOL WAS WEARING EITHER A" LED ZEP"... OR "THE BEATLES" T-SHIRTS .

THE GOOD OLD DAYS...

THE GOOD OLD DAYS...DRAGONS WOULD RAPE YOU ON YOUR WAY TO SCHOOL...TOM AND BETTY WERE A-SEXUAL...AND YOUR TEACHER WOULD LAUGH AT YOU IF YOU PISSED YOUR PANTS .

BUT THE ORANGES WERE BETTER .

TURDS AND UNIVERSES...

I SIP MY COFFEE AS I HAVE A SHIT...TURDS AND UNIVERSES...THEY ALL GET FLUSHED AWAY SOONER OR LATER .

THE BODY AND SEX...

DID YOU EVER NOTICE HOW
THE ENTIRE HUMAN BODY IS RELATED TO SEX ???
YOU GOT YOUR VAGINA FOR INTERCOURSE
YOUR EYES TO BEHOLD THE BODY
THE PENIS
ALSO FOR INTERCOURSE
THE TONGUE FOR SEMI-INTERCOURSE
YOUR NOSE
TO SNIFF HER SCENT
YOUR FEET , TO OUT RUN HER
YOUR SHIT
TO THROW AT HER HUSBAND

...IT JUST GOES ON AND ON 

WE ARE ALL PROSTITUTES...

WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SEX FOR 20 DOLLARS...OR FOR A BOX OF CHOCOLATES ???

THE TREE PERSON...

THIS FELLOW GOT CAUGHT MASTURBATING UNDER A TREE WHEN HE WAS A KID...AND WHEN HE GREW UP...HE CHOPPED DOWN TREES FOR A LIVING .

MY FAVORITE MOVIE...

MY FAVORITE MOVIE..."NIGHT OF THE DAY OF THE DAWN OF THE VAMPIRES...IN THE MIDDLE OF THE AFTERNOON" .

MY HORSE...

MY HORSE WAS IN A PLANE CRAFT...HE HAS BEEN WALKING SIDEWAYS EVER SINCE...AND 435 PEOPLE WERE KILLED .

EVERY RELIGION...

EVERY RELIGION HAS ITS UNIQUE FORM OF GUILT .

THE PERFECT LOVE...

I WAS ONE INCH AWAY FROM BEING THE PERFECT LOVE .

THE SCORPION...

THERE WAS A SCORPION IN MY SHOE...BUT WHAT MADE IT WORSE WAS I PUT THE SHOE OVER MY PENIS .

GAY PRIDE DAY...

GAY PRIDE DAY ??? GREAT...NOW , HOW ABOUT MASTURBATION DAY ??? OR BI-SEXUAL DAY ???

LIZARD MEN...

LIZARD MEN NEED EXPENSIVE MAKE-UP .

N.H..L. FRANCHISE...

THERE IS MORE LABRADOR TEA IN NOVA SCOTIA THAN LABRADOR...AND IF WE EVER GET A N.H.L. FRANCHISE...WE SHOULD CALL IT "THE LABRADOR TEAS " .

LEO TOLSTOY...

" LEO TOLSTOY AND HIS NEUROTIC GANG OF IMPOTENT SPAZ-BASTARDS"...AN UNPUBLISHED MASTERPIECE .

THE CRAB...

ONCE THERE WAS A CRAB WHO HAD THE MOST POWERFUL CLAWS IN THE UNIVERSE...BUT ALL HE WOULD DO IS SIT THERE AND SCRATCH HIS ASS WITH THEM .

THERE IS CRAB IN ALL OF US .

WHAT WOULD JESUS DO ???

" WHAT WOULD JESUS DO ??? " I WILL TELL YOU WHAT HE WOULDN'T DO...SLEEP WITH MY WIFE...UNLIKE YOU , YOU ASS HOLE !!!

CLEAN SHIT...

IF YOU ARE GOING TO EAT SHIT...MAKE SURE IT IS CLEAN .

POST TRAUMATIC STRESS

BY THE YEAR 2110...EVERYONE IN JURASSIC PARK...WILL HAVE POST TRAUMATIC STRESS .

FIXED THINGS...

TWO THINGS THAT ARE FIXED...LIFE AND YOUR CAT .

THE ANSWERING MACHINE...

MY MOTHER LEFT ME A MESSAGE THAT MY ANSWERING MACHINE WAS BROKEN .

THE DEVIL...

AS A THEOLOGIAN...I CAN TELL YOU THAT THE DEVIL IS ON CRACK .

THE SKY...

I WROTE A POEM ENTITLED " THE SKY "...IT GOES LIKE THIS..." WHAT A NICE SKY " . 

THE ROAD LESS TAKEN...

I HOPE "THE ROAD LESS TAKEN"...HAS A MASTERBATORIUM ALONG THE WAY .

SHIT ON APPLES...

DID YOU KNOW THERE IS SHIT ON YOUR APPLES ???

TOP GRADES OF MEAT...

MY BAR-BO-Q...IS SPECIAL...TO BE USED FOR FOR ONLY TOP GRADES OF MEAT .

NEVER GOODE A MONKEY...

NEVER  GOOSE A MONKEY...ESPECIALLY IF HER BOYFRIEND IS NEAR BY .

THE LOCH NESS MONSTER...

IT DOESN'T MATTER IF WE BELIEVE IN THE LOCH NESS MONSTER...WHAT MATTERS IS THAT HE BELIEVES IN HIMSELF .

TALL SHIPS...SUMMER 1984

THE TALL SHIPS CAME INTO TOWN...AND THE HAMBURGER JOINTS DOUBLED THEIR PRICES...SOMETIMES A SAIL...IS THERE TO BE SHOVED UP SOMEONES ASS .

THE LOCH NESS MONSTER...

MAYBE IF THEY DIDN'T CALL HIM THE LOCH NESS MONSTER...PEOPLE WOULD WARM UP TO HIM A LITTLE MORE .

...HOW ABOUT...THE LOCH NESS SEXY HORN DOG ???

JESUS IN THE GARDEN...

JESUS DRANK HIS COFFEE IN THE GARDEN...THE DISCIPLES...EARL OF GREY TEA .

AN ODE TO AN OLD HAG...

I ONCE KNEW A LADY WHO LOOKED LIKE YOU...BUT NOW THE OLD HAG IS DEAD .

SEXUAL PREFERENCE...

SEXUAL PREFERENCE ??? HAVING THE NEIGHBORS WATCH .

...THE SASQUATCH...

A DOOR HELPS KEEP THE SASQUATCH OUT .

THE FOUR HORSEMEN...

AND WHO SHOULD BE ON THE END OF THE LINE ??? THE FOUR HORSEMEN OF THE BOOK OF REVELATION...AND THEY WERE STONED .

TRUE STORY...SHOPPING MALL SANTA...USE YOUR IMAGINATION .

MY GIRLFRIEND HAD SEX WITH SANTA...WHICH MEANS HE OWED ME AN EXTRA GIFT .

BILLY BULLSHIT...

BILLY BULLSHIT PUT ON A GREAT SHOW...BUT WHY THE CRITICS REFERRED TO IT AS "A BUNCH OF BULLSHIT"...GOD ONLY KNOWS .

GOOD OLD WHATS-HER-FACE

I HAVE NEVER CHEATED ON GOOD OLD WHATS -HER -FACE .

NOAH' REAL STORY...

NOAH'S SON SAW NOAH NAKED AND TOOK A PICTURE AND PUT IT ON THE INTERNET...TWO OF EACH ANIMAL CAME TO GET AN AUTOGRAPH...HIS WIFE WAS TOO STONED TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE . 

THE CASHIER...

I GO TO THE GROCERY STORE...JUST TO SING A SONG WITH THE CASHIER .

CHIPS AND HOW TO EAT THEM...

CHIPS TASTE BETTER IF EATEN FROM THE BOTTOM OF THE BAG .

HEAVENLY RICK...

MY FAVORITE MOVIE..."HEAVENLY RICK"...AND MY FAVORITE PART ??? WHEN RICK DIES AND GOES TO HEAVEN .

CATS...

THE INTERNET HAS DONE FOR CATS WHAT THE DEVIL HAS DONE FOR PITCH-FORKS .

OUR GREATEST ACCOMPLISHMENT...

WORLD'S GREATEST ACCOMPLISHMENT ??? GODZILLA DEFEATED INVADER FROM OUTER-SPACE...MONSTER ZERO .

FAVORITE DUCKS...

MY FAVORITE DUCKS GO..." QUACK , QUACK , QUACK "...THE OTHER ONES SUCK .

DILL-DO POLICE

DOES YOUR DILL- DO HAVE A SMILEY FACE ???

THERE IS ONLY ONE TRUE RELIGION...PIG .

THE TENNIS MATCH...

I ASKED THIS GUY IF HE WANTED A TENNIS MATCH...THEN I HELD HIS MOTHER HOSTAGE...TOLD HIM...IF HE LOST...THE OLD HAG WOULD GET IT RIGHT BETWEEN THE EYES...YOU KNOW...JUST TO MAKE IT MORE EXCITING .

AN ODE TO A FUNERAL...

THE MINISTER SAYS..."OH , DEATH...WHERE IS THY STING ??? "...AND SOMEONE IN THE AUDIENCE YELLS OUT..."LOOK IN THE FUCKING COFFIN !!! " .

INSANITY...

INSANITY IS NOT A GIFT OF THE HOLY SPIRIT .

MONKEY'S AND TREES...

MONKEY'S CAME OUT OF THE TREES...BECAUSE IT IS A LOT EASIER TO GET EATEN THAT WAY...THAT IS TO SAY...THE MORE WE EVOLVED...THE MORE SELF DESTRUCTIVE WE BECAME .

A DINGO ATE OUR BABY...

ADAM LOOKED DIRECTLY INTO GOD'S EYES AND SAID..." A DINGO ATE OUR BABY"...GOD REPLIED..."YOU ARE SOOO FUCKING BANISHED"...ADAM SAID..."DID I DAY DINGO ??? I MEANT EVE " .

FRIED CHICKEN...

I THOUGHT I BOUGHT YOU FRIED CHICKEN...BUT MAYBE I ONLY BOUGHT YOU FRIED CHICKEN IN MY DREAMS .

MODERN TIMES...

THIRTY THOUSAND FEET IN THE AIR...SOMEHOW SOME OLD LADY GOT STUCK ON THE WING...I PULLED HER BACK IN AND SHE SUED ME FOR EVERY FUCKING PENNY I HAD .

MASTURBATION...

MASTURBATION...GIVE IT YOUR BEST SHOT .

ONTARIO...

YOU DID NOT TELL ME YOU WERE FROM ONTARIO...YOU TOLD ME YOU WERE CIRCUMCISED...THERE IS A DIFFERENCE .

CHICKENING OUT...

I WAS PLAYING TENNIS WITH THIS FELLOW...AND EVENTUALLY...IT WAS TIME FOR LUNCH AND I TOLD HIM THAT I HAD TO GO...HE SAID..."ARE YOU CHICKENING OUT ??? "...SO I TOOK OFF MY GLOVE AND SWATTED HIM ACROSS THE FACE .

CRAZY-ASS...

CRAZY-ASS-BOOGA-BOING OVER JELLYFISH...AND I WISH I COULD AGAIN .

HAND JOB...

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SLUGS AND ERECTIONS...

HOW DOES A SLUG GET A HARD-ON , ANYWAY ???

NO IDEA...

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU ARE SAYING...BUT I AM ABSOLUTELY SURE YOU ARE RIGHT .

TIME FOR A CIRCLE JERK....

PISSOLOGY

WE HEAR GOD SAY..."PISS"...WHAT WE DON'T HEAR IS..."NOT INTO THE WIND ".

MARS...THE BRAVE NEW WORLD...

I THINK WE SHOULD POPULATE MARS...JUST IN CASE THE SUN BURNS OUT .

THE ASSHOLE OF THE UNIVERSE...

WE ONCE BELIEVED WE WERE THE CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE...CLOSE BUT NO COOKIE...WE ARE THE ASSHOLE OF THE UNIVERSE .

FUCK YOU UP...

WHAT CAN FUCK YOU UP...CAN ALSO FUCK YOU DOWN .

WANTED...HOME FOR STRAY PENIS...

PENIS LOOKING FOR HOME...ONLY VAGINA'S AND MALE BRITISH TELEVISION STARS MAY APPLY .

THE GOSPEL OF JESUS' BROTHER , ROBBIE

I 'LL TELL YOU WHY I WON'T FEED THE POOR...THEY ARE FUCKING POOR , THAT'S WHY...I'M GONNA FEED THE RICH INSTEAD .

THE GOSPEL OF JESUS' BROTHER , ROBBIE

FUCK THE SICK...LET'S GO GET STONED .

COFFEE MACHINE...

MY COFFEE MACHINE BROKE DOWN...SO I POURED SOME WATER UP MY ASS...AND PLUGGED MY NOSE INTO THE ELECTRICAL OUTLET .

AN ODE TO THE FOURTH DATE...

I'M JUST CURIOS...YOU SAID YOU WANT TO HAVE SEX..."OR SOMETHING"...NOW...WHAT IS THIS..."OR SOMETHING"...AND SHOULD I BE AFRAID ???  

THE OLYMPICS...

IF THEY MAKE RUBBING YOUR BALLS AN OLYMPIC EVENT...WILL IT HELP YOUR SELF ESTEEM ???

GOD HIDES...

GOD HIDES CUTE THINGS BEHIND BABIES .

RELOAD...

have you ever noticed how the word...RELOAD...looks like a paranoid person ???

HORRIBLE HUMAN BEING...

I MAY BE A HORRIBLE HUMAN BEING...BUT WHO HAS THE EXTRA LARGE BAG OF GLUTEN FREE POTATO CHIPS ???

THE THING...

THE THING IN THEIR MOUTH ISN'T THE THING...THE THING IS THE THING .

IDIOT...

ONLY AN IDIOT WOULD CALL AN IDIOT AN IDIOT .

RELIGION AND SOUP...

PEOPLE LIKE THEIR RELIGION LIKE THEY LIKE THEIR SOUP .

THE EGG AND THE OLD LADY...

HAVE YOU EVER THROWN AN EGG AT AN OLD LADY ??? AND WATCH IT DRIP LIKE SUMMERTIME ???

LOSING IT...

IT IS EASIER TO LOSE IT THAN FIND IT...AND IT IS EASIER STILL NOT TO LOOK FOR IT .

MUGS AND STUFF...

WHY DO I BUY MUGS THAT ARE TOO FUCKING HIGH TO CLEAN PROPERLY ???

SEA MONSTERS...

SEA MONSTERS CAN'T LICK THEIR BALLS...SO THEY ATTACK SHIPS INSTEAD .

CAIN TOAD , MAMMA...

I ONCE MARRIED THIS COUPLE ON TOP OF A ROOF...SHE WAS WEARING ARMY BOOTS AND HAD A THING FOR CAIN TOADS...I DON'T REMEMBER SWEET FUCK ALL ABOUT HIM .

THIS IS THE BEST WAY TO EARN A SIX PACK SINCE THAT SHIT EATING CONTEST .

HOW TO SUCK A DICK...

HOW TO SUCK A DICK...FIRST...FIND SOMEONE NAMED DICK .

HERE ON EARTH...

HOT DOGS WITH JESUS...ARE BETTER THAN STEAK HERE ON EARTH .

PIPPIN...

I CALLED FOR MY DOG PIPPEN..." PIPPIN , PIPPIN...WHERE ARE YOU PIPPIN ??? " BUT PIPPIN DID NOT ANSWER...MAYBE PIPPIN WAS MORE OF A STATE OF MIND THAN A REAL DOG  .

THE PENIS OF DELUSION...

THE PENIS OF DELUSION IS SUCKED BY THE DONKEY OF DISSATISFACTION...IN THE VALLEY OF REGRET...BY THE SEA OF HEARTBREAK...AT 2 P.M.EASTERN .

THE BATH...

I DREAMED I SAW MY TEACHER ON THE STREET...I ASKED HER IF SHE WANTED TO TAKE A BATH TOGETHER SOME TIME .

BE FUCKING CAREFUL...

IF YOU HOLED ON...YOU WILL LOSE IT...IF YOU LOSE IT...YOU WILL ALSO LOSE IT...AND IF YOU LET IT GO...YUP !!! YOU LOSE IT .

SO BE FUCKING CAREFUL .

OLD MCDONALD...

'' OLD MCDONALD HAD A..."...WHAT DID OLD MCDONALD HAVE ??? I'LL GIVE YOU A HINT...IT WASN'T A FARM . 

RICK AND DICK...

WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN PLAYING WITH YOUR DICK...AND PRAYING FOR RICK ???

REAL ART...

A FRIEND OF MINE GOT A TATTOO OF AN OWL...I TOLD HIM HE SHOULD HAVE PLACED HIS PENIS WHERE THE OWLS NOSE WAS...YOU KNOW...REAL ART .

APRIL 1978 , SPRING GARDEN ROAD .

MY FIRST GIRLFRIEND HAD HAIR ON HER NIPPLES...I CUT THEM OFF WITH MY TEETH AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE A THING .

THE LOAD

IT IS NOT THE LOAD THAT WILL BRING YOU DOWN...BUT IT'S THE LOAD THAT WILL BRING YOU DOWN .

LIVING IN TREES...

THE THING ABOUT LIVING IN TREES...IS THAT YOU MIGHT ACCIDENTALLY SHIT ON SOMEONE'S HEAD .

MACCA WACCA...

MACCA ENHANCES SEXUAL PERFORMANCE OF ALL TYPES...THAT IS WHY WE REFER TO IT AS...MACCA WACCA...(MACCA INTERCOURSE...REALLY DOESN'T HAVE A RING TO IT) .

APATHY...JAN . 14 2012

HERE IS A BIBLE VERSE FOR YA..."PUT YOUR KNIFE TO YOUR THROAT IF YOU GIVE INTO GLUTTONY"...HOW DOES THE CATHOLIC "SUICIDES GO TO HELL" FIT INTO THIS ONE ???

IT DON'T...NOT ONE FUCKING BIT...AND NOBODY CARES...THEY JUST IGNORE IT AND FLOG THE FORNICATORS WITH SHIT ON A STICK .

POINT...IT IS A LAZY WORLD .

THE WORLD IS MY OYSTER...

THE WORLD IS MY OYSTER...TOO BAD I GOT MY DICK STUCK IN IT .

FUNNY BANANA MONKEY...

IT IS A FUNNY BANANA MONKEY LAZY KIND OF DAY .

BEWARE...OF THE SCARLET WHORE...

BEWARE OF THE SCARLET WHORE...SHE HAS SHARP TEETH .

DAVID AND GOLIATH...

DAVID ACTUALLY HAD A SHIT IN GOLIATH'S HELMET WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING...AND WHEN HE AWOKE...HE WENT COMPLETELY CRACKERS AND BEGAN TO HUNT DAVID WITH A BASEBALL BAT AND A HERD OF ANGRY , ZOMBIE PROSTITUTES .

...AND YOU THOUGHT HISTORY WAS BORING .

DETROIT CITY...

I WILL TELL YOU WHAT I LIKE MOST ABOUT DETROIT...THE FUCKING AIRPORT...NOW GET ME OUT OF HERE !!!

THE SPIDER AND THE FLY...

"THAT FUCKING RABBIT MIGHT BITE YOU "...SAID THE SPIDER TO THE FLY .

YOU KNOW , IF WE HAD BABIES...THEY WOULD BE REALLY CUTE .

GOV'T AND BIGFOOT...

HOW COULD THE GOVERNMENT COVER UP BIGFOOT ??? HAVE YOU SEEN HIS COCK ???

THE QUEENS BIRTHDAY ???

HAPPY...WHATEVER IN THE FUCK THEY CALL IT...DAY .

INVADING ALIENS...

TO INVADING ALIENS...FUCK YOU AND THE ROCKET SQUIRREL YOU ROAD IN ON .

THE DI-DI BIRD...

THE DI DI BIRD WAS SINGING IN THE MIST...AND MY ROBIN GOT A HARD-ON .

AN ODE TO A BEAVER...

BEAVERS ARE NOT MADE OUT OF WOOD...BUT I UNDERSTAND THE CONFUSION .

THE SHAMPOO BOTTLE...

I WAS 10 YEARS OLD...I PEED IN MY FRIENDS SHAMPOO BOTTLE...HIS FATHER WENT BALD...WE ALL HAD A GOOD LAUGH .

BEST THING ABOUT CHURCH...

THE BEST THING ABOUT CHURCH IS GOING UP TO PEOPLE AND SAYING..."GOD TOLD ME I AM GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR WIFE " .

THE FLOWERS

...THEY SENT ME THESE FLOWERS...MOST...NOT EVEN POISONOUS .

...MAY I PRESENT TO YOU...THE CAUSE OF EVERY FUCKING WAR...

GROUNDHOG...

I APOLOGIZE FOR THE GROUNDHOG INFESTATION...THOSE FURRY LITTLE FREAKS CAN GO SUCK EGGS .

ODE TO A KANGAROO...

IF YOU WANT TO SCREW A KANGAROO...YOU BETTER HOP TO IT .

DRINKING...

THE ONE THING EASIER THAN QUITTING DRINKING...WAS STARTING UP AGAIN .

SPECIES NAMED...

HOW MANY SPECIES WERE NAMED BY IDIOTS ???

HORSE TRANQUILIZER...

MY FAVORITE HORSE TRANQUILIZER...CHERRY .

WISDOM LITERATURE...

THERE I WAS IN A TREE...PISSING ON A SASQUATCH THAT WAS SLEEPING RIGHT BELOW ME...READING MY BOOK ON WISDOM LITERATURE .

BE SUPER HONEST...

BE SUPER HONEST...OR...SPLONTIST .

KIDS VISITING GRANDPA...

GO GET GRANDPA HIS HEROIN...AND GRANDPA WILL TELL YOU ANY SHIT-ASS THING YOU WAN TO HEAR .

ERECTION GODS...

MAY THE ERECTION GODS SMILE UPON YOU !!!

LIFE IS LIKE...

LIFE IS LIKE A MOUSE TRAP...WITH NO MICE...AND THE TRAP DOESN'T WORK .

SPECIAL BATTER...

SOMEWHERE OUT THERE...THERE IS A SPECIAL BATTER FOR EVERY FISH .

JURASSIC PARK...

IT WOULD BE DIFFICULT HAVING SEX IN " JURASSIC PARK "...YOU KNOW...HARD TO CONCENTRATE AND ALL THAT SHIT .

THE DEVIL WENT DOWN TO GEORGIA...

THE DEVIL WENT DOWN TO GEORGIA...AND FARMED PEANUTS .

ASS-OLOGY

THERE IS NOTHING MORE BEAUTIFUL THAN AN ASS THAT ALLOWS YOU TO SMUGGLE A 24 OF BEER INSIDE IT .

TRUTH IS A LEOPARD IN THE FOREST...COMPLETELY HUNGOVER .

HAVE A GREAT DAY !!!

ALPACA INC .

IF YOU EVER BEGIN AN ALPACA  FARM...MAKE SURE YOU POST A SIGN..."NO SUCKING OFF THE ALPACA "

KILL...

I NEVER THREATENED TO KILL ANYONE...AND IF I FIND OUT WHO SAID THAT...I WILL KILL THEM .

B. HORNJUICE

MOSES PARTING THE RED SEA...

I WOULD LIKE TO WRITE A MUSICAL CONCERNING MOSES PARTING THE RED SEA...BUT THROUGH THE EYES OF HIS CAT .

PUPPY LOVE...

PUPPY LOVE IS FINE AND DANDY...JUST MAKE SURE THE PUPPY DOES NOT GROW UP AND EAT YOU .

SCREWING IN YOUR 60'S...

SCREWING IN YOUR 60 'S...IS A GOOD WAY OF TEACHING PEOPLE THE VALUE OF EFFERT .

BUNNY UP MY ASS...

THERE WAS A BUNNY UP MY ASS...AND THE DR . TOLD ME TO TAKE TWO CARROTS AND CALL HIM IN THE MORNING .

BUNNY EARS...

LET'S PUT ON OUR BUNNY EARS...AND HOP THROUGH THE FOREST OF MANGLED PERCEPTIONS .

SEXUAL LUBRICANT...

DID YOU EVER HAVE ONE OF THOSE DAY WHEN YOU PUT YOUR SEXUAL LUBRICANT ON YOUR TOOTH BRUSH...THEN YOU BRUSH SO FAST THE YOU HURT YOUR GUMS ???

GET A GRIP...

GET A GRIP ON YOUR PENIS...NOT YOUR WIFE'S MOTHERS NECK .

THE MINISTER...

THE MINISTER YELLED FROM THE PULPIT..." BREASTS ARE FOR BABIES , NOT FOR SEXUAL PLEASURE !!! "...AND THEN SOME GUY SCREAMED BACK..." NEXT YOU WILL BE TELLING US NOT TO SUCK DICKS " .

AN ODE TO A BULL TERRIER

FOUR COYOTES STALK A BULL TERRIER...ONE GETS TOO CLOSE AND HAS HIS HEAD CHEWED OFF...THE OTHERS HUDDLE FOR A MOMENT...TURN AROUND AND WALK AWAY .

YETI SHIT...

YOU COULD TELL IT WAS YETI SHIT...BECAUSE THE WORDS..." YETI SHIT "...WERE WRITTEN ON IT .

THE LAKE OF FIRE...

THE LAKE OF FIRE...CONTAINS NO BUBBLE BATH .

JEALOUS BOYFRIEND...

ROSE WOULD MASTURBATE WITH A WINE BOTTLE...HER BOYFRIEND GOT JEALOUS AND BROKE IT .

YETI SHIT...

IN A TWIST OF IRONY...YETI SHIT TASTES LIKE CHICKEN .

THE YETI STRIKES AGAIN...

THE ONLY GREATER HONOR THAN BEING EATEN BY A YETI...IS NOT BEING EATEN BY ONE .

FIRST HOMO EXPERIENCE...

SO BILLY HAD HIS FIRST HOMOSEXUAL EXPERIENCE...HIS EVALUATION..."NEEDS MORE VINEGAR" .

DOMINICAN REPUBLIC...MAIDS

THE MAIDS IN DOMINICAN REPUBLIC...WALK IN ON YOU WHILE YOU ARE MASTURBATING...AND FOR NO EXTRA COST , EITHER .

PRICE OF SPERM...

THEN THERE WAS THE TIME THAT MY BOY CAME UP TO ME AND ASKED ME WHY HE HAD NO SIBLINGS...MY RESPONSE..." ARE YOU AWARE OF HOW EXPENSIVE SPERM IS THESE DAYS ??? " .

MUSICOLOGY...WRITTEN...FEBRUARY 2014

WHATEVER IS THE DESIRE OF YOUR HEART...MAY LOVE POUND THE SHIT OUT OF IT .

...SHIT IN YOUR SHOE...

MAKE SURE YOU WASH  YOUR FEET BEFORE YOU SHIT IN YOUR SHOE .

WACKING MATERIAL...

I BOUGHT A COPY OF "CATHOLIC LIFE"...IT WAS GOOD WACKING MATERIAL .

GOD'S CREATURES...

WE ARE ALL GOD'S CREATURES...SOME MORE CREATURE THAN OTHERS.

SANTA ARRESTED...

IN THE TIME IT TOOK ME TO FIND A PERFECT CHRISTMAS GIFT...SANTA WAS ARRESTED AND CONVICTED FOR ARMED ROBBERY .

THE DEVIL TURNED TO HIS CHIEF DEMON...

THE DEVIL TURNED TO HIS CHIEF DEMON AND SAID..." WHO PISSED IN THE LAKE OF FIRE ??? " .

GOD IS IN YOU...

GOD IS IN YOU...BRING HIM SOME COFFEE .

FOUR COYOTES...

FOUR COYOTES STALKED ONE BULL TERRIER...THE FIRST ONE POUNCED AND WAS IMMEDIATELY DECAPITATED...THE OTHER THREE GOT IN A HUDDLE...HAD A SHORT CONVERSATION...THEN LEFT .

...SHE LICKED MY BALLS...

SHE LICKED MY BALLS...THEN I PLAYED TENNIS WITH THEM .

GOD CREATED MAN...

GOD CREATED MAN...JUST TO PROVE THAT HE CAN , INDEED...GET DRUNK .

SOCK MASTURBATION...

SOCK MASTURBATION...THE NEW GAME FROM...MR. TOY .

WOBBY...

I WENT TO MAWASIA WITH MY FWIEND , WOBBY...HE HAS A SPEECH PWOBLEM .

TRUE STORY...

THE SWISS MAN WAS NOT CONVICTED FOR PUBLIC MASTURBATION...BECAUSE HE DID NOT AIM HIS PENIS AT ANYONE .

BEING MORAL...

THERE IS A BIG DIFFERENCE BETWEEN GIVING FREE SEX AND COUPONS TO BURGER KING...THAN ACTUALLY MURDERING YOUR MOTHER .

AN ODE TO A YETI...

I AM GLAD I HAVE NEVER SEEN A YETI...MY LIFE IS WEIRD ENOUGH .

THE ROTTEN PLUMB...

IT IS SIMPLE , ACTUALLY...THOSE WHO DO NOT FEAR GOD...END UP FEEDING THEIR FRIENDS THE ROTTEN PLUMB .

BEE HUMAN...

BEE HUMAN...EVEN IF YOU ARE A GOOSE .

FAVORITE THEOLOGIAN ??? Z Z TOP .

THE MOUSE JOB...

I ONCE INDISCRIMINATELY THREW A MOUSE...AND IT LANDED ON A CATS NOSE...IF I HAD TRIED TO DO THAT...NO FUCKING WAY .

PIG...

PIG...YOU COOK IT...YOU EAT IT .

POCKET PUSSY IN THE JUNGLE...

THEY SAY THAT IN SOME PARTS OF THE CONGO...PEOPLE CANNOT AFFORD A POCKET PUSSY .

RELIGION...

YOU CAN TELL HOW GOOD A RELIGION IS...BY HOW MUCH SHIT THEY MAKE YOU EAT .

THE ASSHOLE TRAIN...

WHY DOES THE ASSHOLE TRAIN...NEVER COME OFF ITS TRACKS ???

POCKET PUSSY...

MY POCKET PUSSY...SCRATCHED MY BALLS .

LA JOGGING

SOME PEOPLE JOG
TO RUN AWAY FROM THEIR SEXUALITY
OTHERS
THEIR HAUNTED PAST
STILL OTHERS JOG
WELL
THEY ARE JOGGING TO JOG
THEIR PATH IS FAR , FAR SAFER

SAME TURD...

SAME TURD...DIFFERENT ASS HOLE .

...INCEST-COLA .

NEW BRAND OF POP...INCEST-COLA .

MESSAGE FORM GOD...

I WENT TO THE MOON TO GET A MESSAGE FROM GOD...HE SAID..." FUCK , IT'S COLD HERE " .

MASTURBATION LAWS...

THE MASTURBATION LAWS WERE PASSED...JUST TO TURN EVERYONE INTO A LIAR .

PARKINSON'S DISEASE...

IF I CAN LAST 10 MORE YEARS
WITHOUT GETTING PARKINSON'S DISEASE
I CAN ACTUALLY DIE OF OLD AGE
BEFORE THE SYMPTOMS
BECOME TOO ACUTE

SO I GOT THAT GOING FOR ME 

AN ODE TO A BORDER PATROL COP...

SURE I COULD OPEN MY BAG , OFFICER...OR I COULD SING YOU A FOLK SONG I JUST FINISHED WRITING AT A CAFE JUST DOWN THE ROAD .

THIS LADY...

THIS LADY TOLD ME SHE WAS
A SEMI-PROFESSIONAL TENNIS PLAYER
THING IS
SHE KEPT ON TELLING ME
TO STOP HITTING THE BALL SO HARD

SHE IS A SEMI-PROFESSIONAL SOMETHING ALL RIGHT
BUT IS SURE AS FUCK AIN'T TENNIS PLAYER

BILLY'S ERECTION...

MARCH 1978...THE BACK OF WINTER WAS BROKEN...AND BILLY'S ERECTION SUBSIDED .

MEXICAN IS A WONDERFUL LANGUAGE...

I WAS JUST AT THE DOMINICAN REPUBLIC....THEY SPEAK MEXICAN THERE .

THE UNIVERSE AND YOUR ASS...

THE UNIVERSE CONTINUES TO SPIN INTO INFINITY...REGARDLESS IF YOU WIPE YOUR ASS OR NOT .

GARBAGE CAN...

THERE IS A GARBAGE CAN WHERE THE URINAL WAS .

YETI STEALS VIBRATOR

WHAT DO YOU SAY
IF A YETI STEALS YOUR VIBRATOR ???
SOMETHING LIKE
..."NEED BATTERIES" ???

AS THE WORLD MELTED...

AS THE WORLD MELTED...I PLAYED MY VIOLIN...AND PUFFED ON MY CHEAP CIGAR .

EVERY UNIVERSE...

EVERY UNIVERSE NEEDS A GARAGE .

DON'T...

have you noticed how the word...DON"T...looks like a paranoid soldier ???

RABBIT POOP...

IF YOUR POOP LOOKS LIKE RABBIT POOP...MAYBE THAT MEANS YOU ARE A RABBIT .

JESUS SAID...

GOD SAID TO ABRAHAM..." YOU USED YOUR WIFE AS A PROSTITUTE ??? GEE , THAT 'S A STRETCH " .

THE JELLYFISH...

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A JELLYFISH THROW UP ??? 

MY COW SCREWED ...

AFTER MY COW SCREWED MY BULL...SHE GAVE HIM A GLASS OF MILK .

ALIENS AND HOCKEY...

MAYBE THE ALIENS ARE TRYING TO FIGURE OUT IF THEY CAN BEAT US AT HOCKEY .

LET US ALL MARRY OUR MOTHERS...AND GIVE THE ALIENS A GOOD LAUGH .

WHY DON'T PEOPLE GO CRAZY WITH POWER ??? LACK OF OPPORTUNITY .

HORSES...

PEOPLE SPEND THE FIRST PART OF THEIR LIVES..." BACKING THE WRONG HORSE "...AND THE SECOND PART...HATING HORSES .

FREDDY FENDER...

EVER SINCE FREDDY FENDER DIED...THE WORLD HAS BEEN GOING TO SHIT .

ODE TO A FORGETFUL CLERGYMAN...

I ASKED MY CONGREGATION WHERE MY BOOK OF SERMONS WAS...THEY SAID..."RIGHT ON TOP OF YOUR POCKET PUSSY "...I SAID...THANK YOU .

THE BEARS...

AT THE RELIGIOUS CAMP...THERE WAS NO MASTURBATING ALLOWED...SO EVERYONE SCREWED THE BEARS .

IF YOU DON'T LOVE ME...

IF YOU DON'T LOVE ME...CAN I HAVE MY BEER BACK ???

SELL SOUL TO DEVIL...

IF YOU EVER SELL YOUR SOUL TO THE DEVIL...MAKE SURE YOU GET THE BONUS BUCKET OF FRIED CHICKEN...THEY CONVENIENTLY FORGET TO TELL YOU IF YOU DON'T ASK .

SIDE ORDER OF SHIT...

LIFE IS BEST SERVED WITH A SIDE ORDER OF SHIT...IT HELPS YOU TO APPRECIATE THE EGGS SO MUCH MORE .

SASQUATCH PORN...

I  RENTED A SASQUATCH PORNO MOVIE...I NOW KNOW HOW TO SAY..."LET'S FUCK"...IN SASQUATCH .

TOAST...

A BRAIN TUMOR CAN MAKE THINGS SMELL LIKE TOAST...TOAST CAN ALSO MAKE THINGS SMELL LIKE TOAST .

MOTHER...

A GOOD MOTHER IS THERE TO FUCK UP YOUR LIFE WITH GREAT INTENTIONS .

RELIGION SUCKS...WRITTEN...FEBRUARY...2014

JUST FOR THE RECORD...THERE IS QUITE A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN RAISING A CHILD...AND TEARING HIM APART .

IF THE DIFFERENCE IS NOT SEEN...SOMETHING IS TERRIBLY WRONG .

BOX JELLYFISH

THEY KEEP US AWAY FROM THE BOX JELLYFISH...SO WE DON'T EAT THEM ALIVE .

THE GRAVE...

THE LONGER SOMEONE IS IN THE GRAVE...THE EASIER IT IS TO LOVE THEM .

THE WAY TO HEAVEN...

THE ONLY WAY TO HEAVEN...POINT OUT AND IDENTIFY ALL SPANIELS .

YODA...

MY GOAL IN LIFE IS TO SEE YODA...NAKED .

DEAD BUNNY...

WHY IS THERE A DEAD BUNNY IN THE MIDDLE OF"THE ROAD LESS TRAVELED" .

ASS HOLE

BILLY HAD ONE HOMOSEXUAL EXPERIENCE IN HIS LIFE...AND THE GUY TURNED OUT TO BE AN ASS HOLE .

WEREWOLF BLOOD

IF YOU INJECT YOURSELF WITH WEREWOLF BLOOD...PEOPLE MAY THINK YOU HAVE LOW SELF ESTEEM .

READY FOR THE 80'S

THE 80'S...WERE A GATEWAY DRUG TO THE 90'S .