jimmy barns...probably the most famous ozzy rock artist ever

i lived in ozzy for two years..."barnsie" would be prayed to for the beer harvest to be a success...and it was .

shit or fan

in this world...you are either shit...or a fan .

first sexual experience...

all i remember of my first sexual experience...is that i was not involved...you know...but the other people performed just fine , i 'm sure .

how to never get caught

don't do anything .

who you are...

it doesn't matter who you are...what matters is...who you are .

persecution of people with third nut...

after we get this racial thing all figured out...we can begin to persecute people with an extra nut .

ejaculating five feet...

billy ejaculated five feet...and they named a mall after him .

we need people...

we need people so cats can compare themselves to them and feel better about themselves .

the three nut people...

what the world needs...is a rock opera concerning the rise and fall of the three nutted water buffalo .

rudolf gets blow-job...

"rudolf gets a blow job...and dancer has to wash his face"...coming soon

alligator fucking

did you ever catch someone fucking an alligator...but you didn't want to point it out to them...because you might embarrass them ???

fuck-eyes...

cardinal richelieu...performs..."fuck-eyes"...and many more hits from his life long retrospective...also included..."let's rob the sperm bank " .

send 100 dollars...

send 100 dollars to FLARMOLOGY...and get your free cardinal richelieu dill-do...batteries not included .

government poem...

i mailed the government a poem...they criticized my syntax and diction .

pyro grinch...

"grinch that stole christmas part 2...pyro grinch"...heating up the screens this holiday season .

things you don't say at a funeral...

a human life is precious beyond all things...you know...besides this one .

harry potter...

two geese watching "harry potter"...one says to the other..."that fucking harry potter guy keeps on picking on that nice fellow , "voltimort"" .

the lady at the coffee shop...

so the lady at the coffee shop asked me if i needed room for milk...i replied..." no , i don't need any room for milk...thank you very much...however...if i could have some room for cream...i would really appreciate it " . 

your sister is hot !!!

soooooo...that's your sister...right??? soooooo...you won't be dating her , right ???

coming this december...

coming this december..."santa and the texas chain saw massacre" .

more holiday shit...

"santa becomes the human lizard...and poisons all the little boys and girls" .

rudolf gets a blow job...

coming this december..."rudolf gets a blow job "...you will laugh...you will cry...it will become a part of you .

charlie manson christmas...

coming this december... " a charlie manson christmas" .

the grinch that stole christmas

before you judge..."the grinch that stole christmas"...just remember...he could have decapitated every fucking " who " before they had gotten out of bed if he had wanted to .

greyhound...

there is a greyhound within all of us...longing for a winter coat .

viking in all of us...

there is a bit of viking in all of us...lets just hope it isn't the rape are pillage part .

obedience school

my dog came home from obedience school...and baked a banana cream pie .

dummy

...that's right...i called you dummy...and if you weren't a dummy...you wouldn't be so offended that i called you dummy...dummy .

what pisses me off...

what pisses me off...is when i drop a piece of paper towel right into the toilet...and miss .

stacken high returns...

coming soon..."stackem high part 4"..." fuck off , 'cause this ain't no dick inside me pants...( it's a gun )" .

secret of the universe...

having sex with suzi may have been the secret of the universe...but apparently...everyone knew the secret of the universe .

a mouse named rob ford said..."fuck this cheese thing"...

a mouse named rob ford said..."fuck this cheese thing...if i wanted to be put in a box...i would climb up my wife's vagina" .

seeing shit with shit in your eyes...

the more you can't see a fucking thing...the more people seem to be wonderful .

stack'em high

he raped and slaughtered and pissed down the necks of 23, 653 innocent people...just to defend his religion...stackem is back !!!!

bees

bees...by stu strang...oh , bee...so bee-like in the morning dew...what's that you say , bee...mmmmm...well then...FUCK YOU !!!

dear santa...thanks for the dope...

the dope you sent me caused hallucinations...and i saw herds of yeti...got any more ??? 

skanky whore .

this hockey player took # 64...because it rhymed with skanky whore .

first dinosaur to go extinct...

the first dinosaur to go extinct...masturbationasauras rex .

dear santa

you will find that if you abstain from all sexual activity for two days before you make your christmas eve delivery run...you will have a lot more energy .

sincerely

stu

dear santa

if you are so fucking drunk that you see three chimneys...choose the one in the middle .

love and kisses

cardinal stu 

harmonica sluts...

i have a harmonica...it is in the key of..."made in china" .

sex with popes wife...

..so there i is...trying to be a good catholic , eh ??? so i confess to the priest that i has sex with da pope's wife , i did...and the fucker gets right mad at me...like the sex was my idea or something...

santa clause loses his testicals

break and enter specialist , known as "santa clause"...was allegedly attacked by fellow felon ,"rudolf the red nose reindeer"...and had his nuts bitten off...news at eleven .  

bad christmas cards part 1...

you are like one of batman's enemies...except you are fat , stupid and lack creativity .

merry christmas !!!

fuck-ups

the greatest people of every society...have traditionally been seen as fuck-ups...my advice to you...only fuck fuck-ups .

penis envy...

intelligent people measure their age...by how well their penis works .

apology..." sorry you are an ass hole"

best apology ever : "sorry you are an ass hole " .

the one who does nothing wrong...

the one who does nothing wrong...is really in deep shit .

older...

the older i get...the more i forget the names of people who i don't know the names of .

penis head

penis head was not allowed to join the army...because his helmet didn't fit .

sigmond freud

sigmond freud...was a dick

sex and bullshit...

if you are bullshitting when you are having sex with yourself...what is it like when there is another person involved ???

billy's vagina

the boys might have made fun at billy for having a vagina...but that's not all they did to him .

my sermons...

the only time i have ever given myself a 100 %...was in australia...and i was just kidding ...i gave myself a 98 % and the teacher said "take another look"...i came back an hour later and said you are absolutely right...and had changed my score to 100 . 

martha'a vagina

putting ones hand in martha's vagina turned out to be the secret of the universe...but over half the boys in the county were aware of this already .  

10 suggestions...parts edited out of the bible part 5

and god said to moses..." i will give you these 10 commandments to give to my people...but don't take it too seriously...since you're doing all this heavy shit for me...for you , they are only suggestions" . 

ejaculation...

ever since my horse kicked me in the nuts...i've bee able to ejaculate through the ceiling ...and , oh , yes...i blew my wife's hear right off her shoulders .

persecution of church...parts edited out of the bible part 4

and paul said back to jesus..."i'll tell you why i'm persecuting your people...they are the most self-righteous bunch of pricks that i have ever met in my life" ...and jesus nodded .

parts edited out of the bible part 3

and farrow said to moses..."i see your locusts...and raise you a herd of retarded turtles" .  

my cock is soar...

and i quote : "my cock is soar"...warren zevon 

the masturbating goalie

i used to be an n  h .l. goalie...but they kept scoring on me while i was masturbating...so i got fired .

smoking weed...

for everything you don't want...an angel smokes a gram of weed .

santa fucks up...

SANTA...caught in bed with two prostitutes...painting graffiti on their asses...or something like that...news at 11 .

fuck , centipedes...

if you had told me that there were 80 feet long centipedes with enough venom to wipe out the entire easter parade ...then maybe i would have reconsidered going down the fucking tunnel .    

parts edited out of the bible part 2...moses smoking dope ???

and moses said on to the people..." listen , dudes...i could part this fucking sea so much easier...if someone could just roll me a dooby  " .

parts edited out of the bible part 1...blood thirsty savages

no , no , no...i did not give you my blood so you can be a bunch of blood thirsty savages !!! it is not like that at all .

1492

in 1492...columbus got a blow job...or something like that anyway .

bears

there are two types of bears...house bears and outside bears .

sasquatch and sexuality...

if you ever get eaten by a sasquatch...what does that say about your sexuality ???

car engines...

according to "horror movies"...87.5 % of all engine starters...are faulty .

the second coming...

jesus is coming back...but only those with wheaten terriers will be raptured . 

all brains must go...

clearance sale...humanity...all brains must go !!!

spiderman's new enemy

my pick for "spiderman's " new enemy...is..."ducksuck"...and you better hope your name is not "richard" . 

monkey teeth

why are these monkey teeth marks all over my banana ???

"blinky" fucked !!!

"blink blink the magic fish"...found dead...linked to bizarre religious bullshit .

coming soon...

coming soon..."blink blink the magic fish" .

the last days...

in the last days...godzilla will lick rodan's nuts...and there will be peace for 1000 years...or something like that .

the milkman who delivers sperm

a milkman who delivers sperm...ain't really a milkman at all .

sasquatch armpit...

they say nothing smells as bad as a sasquatche's armpit .But who is the fucking idiot that goes around smelling them ???

cock-o-puss...

cock-o-puss...the horniest guy in the sea...and with eight cocks .

sex with your wife

yes , i did think of having sex with your wife...but take comfort...it was a nightmare , not a dream .

bible college

i swore an oath in bible college...not to do anything that i couldn't get away with .

slut slammers

started a basketball league for loose women...call it "slut slammers" .

...i see a bed...

every time i see a bed...i am just so fucking glad i am a vampire .

monkey psychology

my goal in life , you ask...to learn monkey psychology .

talking fish

the talking fish called me a "cock sucker "...he don't talk no more .

...the talking fish

"blink blink"  the talking fish...has taken a vow of silence .

long cock octopus...

the truth of the matter is that an octopus has seven legs...and a really long cock .

if sex were a city...

if sex were a city...it would be one with lots of car accidents .

mints...

if you are really giving me these mints...then i can forgive you for murdering my father . 

space monkey to earth...

space monkey to earth...i think i see rainbows .

whore hoops

started a basketball league for prostitutes...call it..."whore hoops" ...sign up today!!!

olympics

if i were the prime minister of canada
for the next olympics
i would send a special olympic team
that was really overweight
chain smokers
and maybe a couple of them
had only one leg
that way
if we won
people would be really impressed  

...superhero .

sticking your head up your ass...does not make you a superhero .

weird

there is nothing weird going on here...you know...besides the weird shit .

2027

it is the year 2027...west highland terriers rule the world...masturbation costs three cans of dog food...we need a hero !!!

toilet paper collection

...just wait until you see my toilet paper collection .

don't tell...

don't tell anyone...but i wash my kitchen floor...with shampoo . 

robot cabbage .

my fucking robot cabbage ate my wife...now all my friends want to borrow it .

testicle man

your favorite super hero is 'testicle man ???' are you nuts ??? .

never...

never come out of nowhere...the government will experiment with you .

the rolling stones

i never said you fucked 'the rolling stones'...i said...fuck 'the rolling stones' are great...there is quite a difference .

cults

before you get too proud of your cult...remember...the bigger the idiot...the more people he will get to follow him .

jerk-me-off

never name your child...jerk me-off...unless you are from north europe .

grandma's pie

i used to eat at "grandma's pie"...until i found out grandma was the main ingredient .

three toed yeti...

three toed yeti shot dead...local yeti sodomizer in big depression .

sexual hang-up

everyone has some sort of sexual hang-up...but you just don't know how fucked up it really is...until you go to church .  

domestication

if we can domesticate dogs...how come we can't domesticate people ???

the hat

you are aware that leaving your hat on a table...is exactly the same as a bear pissing on a tree ???

sasquatch hunt

the best thing about a sasquatch hunt...is not finding one .

guys are only after one thing...

guys are only after one thing...fried trout .

pageview...

i named my dog..."pageview"...she had puppies and that brought my total to 231 pageviews in one day .

the great white...part 1

one person to be killed by a fluffy pillow...and they will be considered as dangerous as the great white .

shark up ass

lots of shark hunters out there...thing is...the one who get a "great white" to swim right up his ass...gets the most money .

suck my dick...

suck my dick...gluten free .

grade seven...

i barely passed math...and completely flunked puberty .

trigger condems

"trigger's condemns"...invisible...no plastic...completely imaginary...sperm goes flying everywhere...but you can pretend that it don't...that's "triggers" . 

just remember...

just remember that when you buy your wife a chocolate chip cookie...it does not have the power to turn her into a civilized human being .

N .D .P. tax strategy

N . D. P . tax strategy...tax every can of beer ten billion dollars...and pray to god that someone is stupid enough to buy a six pack .

the shitter

...and the sign outside the shitter read..."no shitting" .

domestication

did you ever wonder how man can domesticate animals...but can't domesticate himself  ???

the album...

i am sorry that your album only sold 5,000,000 copies...but maybe next time you shouldn't fart in the microphone .  

loch ness monster's head...

i saw a photo of the loch ness monster's head...which means he must be jewish .

priest and minister...

the difference between a catholic priest and a protestant minister...is that the priest has the guts to wear the dress that the minister wants to wear .

inner peace

to reach this state of inner peace...i had to kill over three dozen people .

homosexuals...

i think homosexuals...are gay !!!

horror movies...

there would be no horror movies...without stupid people .

as the crocodiles...

as the crocodiles converged upon my body...it suddenly dawned upon me...i can't fuck my way out of this one .

slug football

invest in slug football...the wave of tomorrow .

sasquatch jailed...

sasquatch jailed in iraq for having penis pierced...protests abound .

sex with t-rex

the best way to have sex with a tyrannosaurus rex...is to first kidnap its  child .

my slug is !!!

i think my slug is freaking out !!!

girl monkey...

the most amazing thing a girl monkey can do...is play with her penis .

the milkshake...

it is a very nice milkshake...but i ordered a whore .

the loch ness monster...

receiving the loch ness monster into your heart...will not get you to heaven . 

hey , god...

hey , god...guess what ??? our plagues are better than yours .

pet slug

why does my pet slug think i am gay ???

confucius says..."buy all your underwear...either brown or yellow" .

slug hard on

how does a slug get a hard-on ???

not getting caught...

the best way not to get caught...is to not fuck around .   

the obituaries

according to the obituaries...no ass hole has ever died .

slug deodorant...

my slug deodorant company has gone tits up .

lifs is...

life is what is being shoved up your ass...while you are busy planning your hostile takeover .

never haunt me...

never haunt me from your grave before you die .

a bad idea...

a bad idea is just a good idea...gone to shit .

haunting...

so you are haunting me from your grave...thing is...you ain't even dead yet !!!

the worship leader

what do you mean , you won't let me see your tits ??? why do you think i made you the worship leader , anyway ???

my muskrat...

what i need is a muskrat to take the family pictures .

the lack of...

the lack of cannibalism is explained by the lack of hungry people .

coming soon...

"rimity-rim-rim and the blonde pecker sparrow"...coming soon to a theater near you

my cat...

i named my cat judge judy...just because it was really fucking self righteous and wouldn't shut up .

never...

never raise an asshole from the dead .

whatever you do...

whatever you do...don't judge those fucking idiots !!! ( evil shits they are ).

wobbly wooks

why buy wobbly wooks ??? 'cause wobbly wooks are wonderful !!!

slug freaking out

i think my slug is freaking out .

love is...

love is a plague...that a bunch of idiots found the antidote for .

stupid-head

before you get upset that my chicken tastes like shit...consider how long it took to get the bone inside the turd...stupid-head !!!

satanic bible...

hey , lady...you dropped your satanic bible .

in the summer time

in the summer time , every player in the N.H.L ...is equal .

slug football

i invested all my money into slug football ..did you know that no quarterback has ever had a shoulder injury in the history of slug football ???

dead people...

if i were a country...i would enter dead people into the olympics...you know...for a laugh .

sex

sex is for the hard hearted...the emotional take it too personally .

getting to heaven...

and jesus said..."there are two ways to get to heaven...be born again...or win the town hog calling contest" .

the pug...

i was walking down the street and i saw a pug...settled...jesus wants me to have a pug .

take away...

take away all the control and manipulation from sex...and all you have left is a dead poodle on the side of the road .

fucking up...

we spend the first half of our lives fucking things up...and the second half practicing it .

my favorite sound...

my favorite sound is the sound of my answering machine , saying..."you got no fucking messages" .

three lives...

We live three lives...the one that we learn from...the one that results from the one we learn from...and the one we spend humping the postman's leg .

the best shows...

the best shows are audience participation...but without an audience .

year 2027...

it is the year 2027...west highland terriers rule the world...masturbation costs three cans of dog food...we need a hero !!!

when the world blows up...

remember , when the world blows up...everything works out for the best .

entering yorki terrier...

sasquatch caught entering yorki terrier into a west highland terrier dog show...authorities are irate .

pierced nippled sasquatch...

pierced nippled sasquatch dies in captivity .

three yeti...

three yeti shot dead...local yeti sodomizer in big depression .

nipple pierced sasquatch...

wouldn't it be weird if the first sasquatch ever brought into captivity...had his nipples pierced ???

the best sasquatch hunt...

the best sasquatch hunt is the one where your fellow sasquatch hunter gives you oral sex .

elvis and sasquatch...

apparently , elvis never even saw a sasquatch...and they call him "the king" .

sasquatch goosed

if you have been fingered by a sasquatch , please call 1-800-soar-hole , and get some free medical assistance .   

missing...

missing...small black dog...answers to the name of "buttercock" .

mr chicken...

let's go eat at "mr. chicken"...i hear they use real , authentic chicken substitute there .

ass hole

it is not being called an ass hole that bothers me...it's when they have proof that it is true .

rattlesnake tails...

rev. stu strang says iggy mcdonald's new book..."rattlesnake bites as a cure for being stupid "...is "better than the encyclopedia of fluffy mammals from distant trilobite breeding facilities" ...bubby twist says..." nice!!!" .

mr. chicken...

lets go eat at "mr. chicken"...i hear they use real chicken substitute there .

favorite docementary...

my favorite documentary is "planet of the apes" .

waving a gun...

isn't it ironic how waving a gun in someones teeth...can actually make them friendly ???

all is not lost...

all is not lost but be careful what you find .

werewolves...

if we are going to defeat the werewolves...we got to stick together .

if you love someone...

if you love someone...fuck them around...if they come back...they have deep issues...if they don't...good on them .

are we here ???

some believe that we are not here...others believe...we might as well not be here .

if you love someone...

if you love someone...fuck them around...if they come back...they have deep issues...if they don't...good on them .

the human race...

maybe planet earth is just some fucked up experiment...to see how long it takes strawberries not to taste  like strawberries .

the entire universe...

the entire universe consists of...either me or somebody else .

punch the bird...

if you didn't punch the bird...then why do you have all those feathers on your fist ???

evolution of egging houses

i rubbed a hard boiled egg over someone's  window once...darwin would have been proud .  

what would you rather have ???

what would you rather have...a functional family...or a family that has the greatest time ever treating each other like shit ???

truth and the sasquatch...

what does the truth have in common with the sasquatch ??? we pretend they both aren't there .

law in china...

did you know that china has a law against killing sasquatch ??? now if they could just work on the people thing .

mothra

the one thing we learned from mothra...is that moths can't fight .

darwin...

so let me get this straight...darwin created the human species...but god thinks this is bull shit ???

if a cat...

if a cat could learn to use his thumb...would he give you the finger ???

listen to the fart

people communicate very well...just not through their mouths .

joy in cooking

there is much joy in cooking...especially if you are cooking some ass hole who pissed you off .

penis cut off in door

...just saw a movie where a monster got his cock cut off in the door...the only thing that could have made it better is...george lucus .

only jerks jerk...

ONLY JERKS JERK...the anti-masturbation society of the bible belt .

stealing someone's shit...

stealing someone's shit...is not growing the economy .

what is a yeti ???

a yeti is a sasquatch...that doesn't like oral sex .

the first time i played basketball...

the first time i played basketball...i got a strike .

to error is human...

to error is human...to forgive...canine .

the only thing...

the only thing that is not going on...is what we see .

my goal in life...

my goal in life...is to hit a cow in the penis .

for every winner...

for every winner...there is someone smart enough not to give a fuck .

destroying earth...

once we destroy our planet...all the aliens will sit around their spaceships and mourn our demise...either that or not give a flying fuck...you take a guess .

(it's the second one). 

kill the sasquatch...

you go kill the sasquatch...i'll make the lemon-aid .

get rich quick...

wanna get rich ??? go into a layer of COYOTES and sell them FUCK THE ROAD RUNNER shirts .

peace and harmony...

if you are not in a state of peace and harmony...i will beat the shit out of you !!!

the loch ness monster

it does not matter if we believe in the loch ness monster...what matters is that he believes in himself .

signed bigfoot

if you believe in the loch ness monster...you are an idiot...signed bigfoot

capitalism...

the most interesting thing about capitalism...is selling bullets to people so they can shoot them at you .

butter tarts

butter tarts are so much better without the shit in them .

breakfast sandwich...

just got a breakfast sandwich at "tim hortons'"...it was the best sex i have ever had !!!

donkeys on the wall...

i prefer an asylum with pictures of donkeys on the wall...and piss on those non-donkey people .

witch doctor...

choose the right witch doctor...or you will burn in hell .

cleopatra

are you aware that cleopatra used to poison people for entertainment ??? if that don't get you hot...then nothing will .

aliens have invaded...

aliens have invaded to abduct our sasquatch...send ten dollars to help stop this shit...

...pudding

the truth is in the pudding .

real bigfoot...

real bigfoot live up north...only pussy bigfoot live down south .

nick names to hockey players...

i think i could get rich offering pro hockey players a course on making up nick names...because they're fucking horrible at it !!!

...bum tits

"eating horseshit and the pyramid of unequivocal bum tits" ...the new album from "frost mittens"...coming soon to a record store near you...i mean...it would if the fucking things still existed .

shit eating contest...

The thing about a shit eating contest they don't tell you...is that the winner loses .

dr. gill...

dr. gill's new pop psychology book , entitled : "how to burn down the houses of those who piss you off" ...coming soon .

on line dating...

the best thing about online dating...it comes with a cord to strangle yourself with .

jar jar binx dream : bob dylan...and justin beiber...

me has a dream-o...sad , it was...bob dylan's badger dead indeed...trampled on at a justin beiber concert , it was !!! 

cure for werewolves...

cure for werewolves...two bull terrors and a quart of rum .

a 21 gun salute...

the only difference between a 21 gun salute and a firing squad..is a 25 degree angle .

...my poodle

my yeti beat the crap out of my poodle .

new group...

i've formed a new group...i call it..."justin and the beavers " .

my wolverine...

i think my wolverine needs more love and affection...or something like that .

if an octopus...

if an octopus only has 7 legs...he needs no prophet...the future already is written .

from my first book in 1993

it does not matter if you believe in the loch ness monster...what matters is that he believes in himself .

life is fixed...

life is fixed...people are broken...and the dog has his tail between his legs .

masturbation video

this guy crapped all over my masturbation video...said he liked having sex with his wife...i calmed him down...said..."yea , i like having sex with your wife too" .

a maniac...

a maniac is just someone who loves god more that you .

reward...

me gest wyn a reward...far best spelin and gramer on da playnet .

become one with the universe...

become one with the universe...just not this one .

make yourself...

make yourself look better...ruin the reputation of all your hero's .

unconditional love

i believe in unconditional luv...but only under certain conditions .

the monkey in the airport

the monkey that kid had in the airport...looks delicious .

love is...

love is the wine...i frequently shove in my wrong hole .

rat on a stick

you heard it by now..."rat on a stick"...apparently...was grinding up rat shit for their "ratnuggets"...what is this world coming to ???

recycling

the cat does not want me to recycle...it says it means you are sexually insecure .

my cat...

my cat scared away the only girl i ever loved .

oh , that antler...

antler mchoof...first openly gay album..."it's raining yeti"...just send me your fucking money !!!

my cat...

my cat thinks i am a homosexual .

my cat...

my cat thinks i am a failure .

inside joke

maybe life is an inside joke...with no one on the inside .

pretending...

what bothered me about church...pretending that i never had to have a shit .

the reverend...

maybe the reverend would not have been in so much shit...if he hadn't named his kids..."sodom and gomorrah" . 

the story of antler mchoof continues...

antler mchoof and wife , betty...have filed for divorce...reason...lack of sodomy .

english teachers...

english teachers masturbate...efficaciously .

snarkiest dinosaur

of course , the most snarky dinosaur...was the go-fuck-yourself-a-sauras-rex .

women that don't turn you on

a girl sasquatch has bigger tits than feet...and if she chases you down a hill...her tits will bash her in the face and you will get away.

religion and "texas chainsaw massacre"

the difference between religion and "the texas chainsaw massacre"...religion doesn't need gasoline to get it started .

my favorite song

my favorite song??? "there is a sasquatch in toronto" .

compromise...

never compromise...unless there is something in it for you .

get that fucking werewolf...

get that fucking werewolf out of my kitchen .

if by sorry...

if by..."sorry"...you mean..."go fuck yourself"...then i am absolutely sorry".

saved ???

"saved" in church ??? depends...is getting post traumatic stress being saved ???

the owl within

there is an owl within us all...but who really gives a hoot .

in our world...

in our world...liars are disdained...but good liars are worshiped .

swollen blood cells

maybe if we take all my swollen blood cells...and inject them into my penis...things will be fantastic !!!

sasquatch in sneakers...

i saw a movie about a sasquatch wearing sneakers...i mean...where would he get sneakers anyway ???

going crazy...

i thought i was going crazy...but now i think it's just in my mind .

my favorite shakespeare qote is...

my favorite shakespeare quote is..."hi , my name is william ".

everything you can imagine is out there somewhere...

everything you can imagine is out there somewhere...especially if you have no imagination .

good intentions...

the thing about good intentions...is that they can hide your bad ones .

flying rat reunion concert

"flying rat" reunion...rat billy : "i got some serious shit on the other "rats"...they fuckin' well better want a reunion !!!"

it's not that...

it's not that we are living in a post thinking society that bothers me...it's that we are living in a post thinking bothersome thingie.

sperm sample

i am just not sure why my gardener needed a sperm sample .

world peace

world peace would be like masturbating in the dark...you never see it coming .

texas chainsaw massacre

last night i watched "the texas chainsaw massacre" ...you know...just to see how the other half lives .

fucking up your life

better start fucking up your life before someone does it for you .

your father

your father can go fuck herself .

jesus camp

jesus camp...where you can get your dick sucked and people will actually believe you when you tell them that the ministers wife was just saying her prayers...cum to jesus camp .

resistance to life

resistance to life...is like a pie...without any pie .

every business meeting...

just remember...every business meeting...you are only one fart away from losing a contract .

two stages to life

get a fucked up idea...then find a religion that believes it .

triple murder

i would have gone to bible college...if not for that triple murder charge .

a reasonable question

do cannibals say grace ???

"the texas chainsaw massacre"

"the texas chainsaw massacre"...a great movie about building the family unit by finding things to do together . 

good catholic boys

good catholic boys don't masturbate...and that's why there are no good catholic boys .

catholic history moment

are you aware that in one point in history the catholic church supplied some of their priests with prostitutes so they would not masturbate ??? that makes me so mad...i just want to beat myself .

religion and psychosis

religion is some jack-ass's idea of how to justify psychosis .

generally speaking...

generally speaking...there are two types of people in this world...the type that will join a group of evil bastards because they have nice uniforms...and the type that won't even admit that they have nice uniforms .

sucking dicks

LISTEN...i did not spend my entire life repressing my homosexuality...just so you could skip down the fucking street...singing a chorus of elton john's greatest hits...with a dick in your mouth !!!  

teach your children well

if you are going to teach your children to tell the truth...don't forget to tell them how stupid they are going to look doing it .

your pet rat...

name your pet rat...rat...and never forget what kind of animal it is .

there is a key...

there is a key to peace and love...unfortunately...there is no fucking door .

smells like dope

i am glad you smell like dope...and i can't wait until your mother gets a sniff  .

people and badgers

are you aware that in the time of jesus...it was actually believed that people were smarter than badgers ???

god created us...

god created us to have harmony and peace  in common...however...truth be known...all we really do have in common...is that we all screwed jennifer toddles . 

the music industry

the 70's were characterized by people writing songs about muskrats having sex...and making millions off of them...now...people write songs about nothing...and fuck muskrats...strange .

professional wrestling is like religion...

professional wrestling is like religion...but with more body odor .

does it bother you...

does it bother you that your dog enjoyed his bone...more than you enjoyed your trip to disney land ???

english teachers...

english teachers masturbate...efficaciously .

becoming a professional hockey player

in order to become a professional hockey player...first you have to learn the art of finding someone the shittiest nick name ever .

worthless...

i used to feel worthless...but i beat that out of myself .

three nut tony

i finally got to see "three nut tony" in the shower...only to discover that he only had one nut...FIGURES !!!

a heretic

a heretic is just someone who loves god more than you .

the 60's may be long gone

the sixties may be long gone...but the name of burgschine mcdiggerduff...will live on forever .

beating the shit out of you

i'll stop beating the shit out of you...when you stop feeling entitled that i should stop beating the shit out of you  .

what god thinks of you...

it doesn't matter what i think of you...what matters is what god thinks of you...and just let me assure you...he thinks you are a fuck stick .

oral sex

next stage in the evolution of a horse...oral sex .

a heretic is just someone who knows more than you do...or...possibly...less .

the tennis match

it was a great tennis match...but when the goose took the raquet...stuck it up his ass...and hit a perfect cross court winner...that has the high point .

on line dating

the best thing about on line dating...is it comes with a cord to hang yourself with .

viagra

meanwhile...billions of light years away on the planet viagra...someone comes up with an idea for a great export business .

leo

my goal in life is to meet leonardo decaprio...and convince him to have a
 "critters 3" reunion .

marrying an ass hole...march 18 2013

marrying an ass hole...does not give you special privileges with the rest of humanity .

the cigarette...march 6 2013

this fellow asked me for a cigarette...he tried to anyway...i mean...it's kinda hard to when you have eight hanging out of your mouth at the same time .

milli vanilli

when milli vanilli got caught doing all that lip sync shit...they should have went back on the road...called it their..."FUCK YOU" tour...complete with a free c.d. telling people to grow the fuck up...get a life...and if you like the music...then let the music speak for itself...you know...basic shit .  

go fuck yourself

"i just found jesus and his eternal mercy and forgiveness...so you can go fuck yourself !!!"

a spouce

a spouse will always agree with their partner...or always disagree...what is actually going on is just about incidental . 

news flash :

reverend robert jones found naked and shot dead just outside his church...bishop ralph "the herpes machine"  mackay wanted for murder...police suspect it was a drug deal gone wrong .

god's mistake

almost everyone spends the majority of their lives hanging out with morons...or being a moron...unfortunately , it is a lot easier to be one than to hang out with one . 

the cop...march 10 2013

so this young fellow is about to commit suicide but a cop sees him...the cop yells out..."stop or i will shoot ".

sucking your own penis...march 10 2013

once a man can suck his own penis...he will begin being honest with you concerning his sexual relationships .

prayer...feb. 28 2013

this guy is walking down the street in a deep state of prayer when he finds a used condom...through this experience he concludes that he should go home and have sex with his cousin .

heterosexuality...march 7 2013

just because you like to have your wife watch you have sex with guys...does not mean that you are heterosexual .

a good religious person

you are not a good religious person...until your beliefs have no reason or explanation .

thank you...march 2 2013

the happy , happy...joy , joy puppy club says..."if you can't say thank you...then fuck you".

your name...march 3 2013

people don't like it if you can't remember their name...but how about if you can't even remember your own name...you think that would lead to compassion , would you not??? maybe...sometimes .

bill's religious empire...march 1 2013

bill's religious empire...trespassers will be shot on sight .

sex

i envy young people because sex is always on their mind...i pity young people because sex is always on their mind...i pudding young people because sex is always on their mind .

the minister

so there is this minister who claims to have a ministry of tucking in professional athletes and kissing them good night...he doesn't do very well .

an ode to a color blind child

my father told me that brown hair "looked like shit on the top of someones head"...what he forgot to tell me was that i had brown hair .

what i forgot...

i know what i forgot to tell you...your brother was put in jail yesterday for armed robbery .

yes

"yes"...the new "no"...amen
"fat"...the new "skinny"...crucify him

"run away"...the new "standing still"

homosexuals

you can always tell a cross dresser...by the way they hate homosexuals .

kermit the frog

kermit the frog just may be the only male celebrity that never let his penis get him in trouble...of course , he doesn't have a penis but that's beside the point .

catholic morality

...at one century or another...the catholic church supplied their priests with prostitutes so they would not masturbate... now , if that doesn't make you want to jerk-off  then nothing will .

big money...

big money will kill you...and small money will murder you .

marriage

there are three reasons to get married :

1-so someone can watch you die
2-so you have someone to yell at
3-and so you have someone to yell at while you are dying

trust

there is nobody more untrustworthy than someone who insists you can trust them .  

never blame a religion...

never blame a religion for being corrupt...just be thankful they can do something very well .

the shit will it the fan

they say  "the shit will hit the fan"...and that is why i never go to a hockey game .

talking fish

definition of a drag...a talking fish that doesn't speak your language .

cock sucker

it was bad enough that his last name was "sucker"...but he had to name his first born..."cock" .

hockey players

maybe you are not allowed to be a professional hockey player...unless you have one of the worst fucking nick-names in the history of the universe .

the queens corgie's

if the queens corgie's ate her...would the english people still think them adorable??? 

this father says...

this father says to his 11 year old boy..."son , are you old enough yet to to get a girl pregnant???"...the kid replies..."depends which hole i stick me dick in , daddy".

control

he who controls god...controls the money .

knowing you are stupid

knowing you are stupid...makes you smart .

ants

if ants are as strong as they say they are...then they must really hurt their penis when they are jerking-off .

a sucker born every minute

there is a sucker born every minute...and my penis is forever grateful .

condoms

i was in the "dollar store"...and they were selling condoms...i mean , do you know what they call people who buy condoms from the "dollar store"??? parents !!!

the god fearing lady

wanting to be a god fearing christian...she wore her hat to church...no pants or underwear...but a really nice fucking hat .

k.f.h.

they are coming out with a new recipe for fried chicken...made with 11 different natural aphrodisiacs...they call it..."kentucky fried hard-on" .  

people being stupid

it is not that people are stupid...it's just that they use their brains for really fucked up things .

the inauguration

...of course i didn't watch it...i saw it four years and and feel quite sure that they just played the same tape .

reincarnation

of all the millions of people who claim to be reincarnated...i bet you that there isn't one of them who claims to have been a retarded pedophile in a previous life .   

this father says to his son...

this father says to his 11 year old boy..."son , are you old enough yet to to get a girl pregnant???"...the kid replies..."depends which hole i stick me cock in , daddy".

fruit bats

the difference between a fruit bat and an ordinary bat...is that a fruit bat always has a big fat penis in his mouth .

life sucks...

life sucks...so put your penis right in it !!!

the baptists

I don't  necessarily know who got religion right...the the baptists sure as fuck got it wrong .

if you...

if you can ignore everything...then the rest is absolutely fastening .

expert

so this guy tells me that he considers me an expert in my field...i reply..."what field is that???"...he says that he doesn't know .

a new movie

a great idea for a movie would be to have someone living in an airport just to meet celebrities so he could insult them and tell them what a better person he is .